Stephanie Marie, the TG Southern Belle

Saying Goodbye to a Friend

2011-07-27T21:49:00.003-04:00

Last week, a giant in the local transgender community passed away even though she would not see herself as such. Pamela Jones gave and lived more during her final years on this earth than anyone I've known. During a time when most people are thinking about retiring, she was beginning a new. Her ability to communicate the very basics of integrity and human dignity went beyond labels like transgender. Pamela is truly one of the most remarkable people I have ever known, and her effect on me will last a lifetime.

I will admit I've had a difficult time dealing with Pamela's death. I've known her over 14 years back even before I went out as Stephanie for the first time. We met online via our Geocities websites (remember those?) and emailed for a couple years. We finally met in person in 1999. In recent years, she became a confidante. Pamela was someone I could run thoughts and ideas by without feeling I was being judged. We thought a lot alike about many issues running the gamut from religious to the LGBT community to the Carolina Panthers. Pamela was one of the most principled, centered people I have ever met. It was that genuineness that I think attracted people to her even if they vehemently disagreed with her.

This allowed Pamela to bridge so many gaps stretching even into mainstream circles. She became active with the LGBT Community Center of Charlotte, Equality NC, Sean's Last Wish, and her church, Hold Trinity Lutheran Church. In February 2008, Pamela met Elke Kennedy of Sean's Last Wish at an education initiative about ENDA outside the HRC Gala in Charlotte. This is one example of how putting herself out there opened other doors. I was inspired by her to begin making baby steps into mainstream groups. Contra dancers can credit Pamela to some extent for me being out in that community.

I think of a story Pamela told about being in a church float during the Pride NC parade one year in Durham, NC. A short part of the parade route was open to protesters. While screaming and yelling some very un-Christian things, she smiled, looked at one of them, and mouthed, “God loves you, and so do I.” That story has stuck with me as a way Pamela helped our community by not lashing out or retaliating. She related as a fellow Christian and human being.

Pastor Nancy Kraft delivered a touching memorial to Pamela. Hearing Nancy speak, I felt like Pamela was once again with us. Her words of wisdom have often been quite comforting. Only when Nancy stopped speaking did it really hit me that Pamela was gone.

I miss Pamela dearly. Already several times I have caught myself wanting to email her about something. I went through a job loss back in early June. Even then, she emailed me with encouraging words. She even let me vent a bit. Above all, she told me to take care of me and not to worry about her. That's just how she was. I'm thankful for those who did worry about her until the end. She knew she was not alone.

Some of Pam's websites are still up. I would encourage you to pay them a visit:

http://pamela1nc.blogspot.com/
http://pamrenee.com/

Lifesavers

2011-05-26T21:09:00.003-04:00

At a recent contra dance, one fellow offered everyone in his square a Life Saver candy. It was the second half of the dance night following a thirty minute medley (which was wonderful and exhausting!). I'm sure my breath was less than minty so I was glad to accept a lemon one. Virtually nothing was said as we passed it around, but I thought it was a nice gesture. I'm sure my future partners were quite appreciative as well.

It got me to thinking about acts of kindness that we do for each other as individuals while expecting no recognition. Just doing it because we see a person in need. I'm not talking so much about organized group efforts which serve so well in our community. These are the daily acts that go unnoticed but still affect people in such a strong and positive way. There are no ulterior motives... just a desire to see a person live a better life. In the hustle and bustle of life, I'll be honest in that I don't do the best job of recognizing such opportunities. I think I do a little better in the contra dance community as more situations present themselves. Even there though, I have days when I fall way short.

I think of each act like the candy mentioned in the opening. They are life savers. Call it the Spirit. Call it karma. Call it the law of averages. I truly believe we meet the people we are supposed to meet by simply being out. We are in a position to raise their lives with the smallest of acts. We may never know how a simple smile, a quick touch of the shoulder, or a helping hand will make a person's day. I know it has for me too often in my life on a down day. Someone who thinks no one in the world cares about them may have their spirits lifted. That can save a life!

The contra dances present so many opportunities for giving. People of all ages, backgrounds, and dance experience are thrust together to accomplish one seemingly daunting task... dancing. We ask a partner, form our lines, and listen to the caller walk us through the upcoming dance. Then we dance. It becomes a kaleidoscope of feet walking, bodies twirling, people connecting to the music performed for us by a live band. We combine our individual styles with the group so everyone experiences the joy that is contra dancing. The beginners are helped along with pointing to the shoulders and gentle nudges. Basic style points are taught during swings and other movements. It can look chaotic at first, but I have also have been taken up with the idea that everyone in the hall is doing the same thing at more or less the same time.

Partner asking can also be an act of kindness. You are, in essence, offering a ticket to that person to the next dance which of course happens to be your ticket too. It is an invitation that can be freely accepted or declined although it is customary to accept unless you have a very good reason. Everyone has wildly differing ideas about who to ask. Some stick to people they know. Others do a better job of balancing their dance card. It is usually encouraged to get the beginners involved early and often and also to look for those who sat out the last dance. This leads to greater participation which benefits the dance community in the long run. I think of it as not keeping a good thing to myself. If I have found something that has enriched my life this much, why would I not want to share it with someone who is already there wishing to participate?

Conversely, it is up to the person asked to accept. This is where it can be a bit tricky if the answer is “no.” Maybe the person asked does not want to dance with the person or was hoping to dance with someone else. Taking too long to say “no” pretty much relegates the other person to the sidelines as all other partners are taken by then. Also the person asked may already have a partner. Do they offer a future dance? Then there is, “I think I have a partner.” That one really hurts.

Writing the above reminds me of the acts that make my day but also of those that send me into a funk if I let them. I have been part of both extremes. I know I am not alone in experiencing those extremes. I also realize how easy depression can lead down a self-destructive path. I think of people I have known who committed suicide and wonder what could have been done to take them off that path. I believe that we can do so much for each other early in that cycle by simply being there and being available to help. Before a person descends into an isolation that spirals out of control. Before it is too late to help. As Olivia Newton John once sang, “Let Me be There.”

So is dancing a life saver? I think so. You never know what kind of day any of us has had when we walk into that dance hall. By making sure everyone is dancing, everyone gets a good piece of a very tasty pie that makes the rest of life better. I'm sure there are many other worthy activities that raise the quality of life . Dancing is the one that does it for me. Fortunately, it also does it for my partner, my square, my line, the hall, the whole community.

In My Mind

2011-04-03T18:52:00.006-04:00

You know the song by James Taylor beloved by all University of North Carolina alum. In my mind, I thought this day would never come. I graduated from UNC in 1994 and soon after left for Charlotte to work. I received a piece of paper saying I had graduated with a BA in something, but I felt like there was still some unfinished business. By the time I started going out en femme in 1998, my old life in Chapel Hill seemed like the opening to Star Wars... a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Yesterday, I returned as the real me and found I still belonged.

When I was a student at UNC, my belief system was much more rigid and unforgiving not to mention extremely conservative. This was my time in a fairly fundamentalist church which viewed gays (and really most of the world) as perverted and sinful. I was only beginning to explore my gender identity which I knew would be completely incompatible with the church. When I was discovered, I felt like it would be the end of everything I knew. In a sense, I was right I was very much wrapped up in the church to the point that my whole life revolved around it. Being separated was one of the best things that could have happened even though I didn't recognize it at the time. I started my life almost from scratch in my final year at UNC and realized there was hope away from the prison that the church had created.

The return all happened as the result of a friendship at the Carrboro dances. Rebecca, like so many in the dance community, has been a strong support to me and a good dancer too. I knew she was involved in LGBT causes at UNC and was on the leadership team for the annual Southeast Regional Unity Conference, a conference that draws from all over the south. I had offered to do Transgender Adventures in History in 2010, but we weren't able to fit it in. This year, under a re-branded name, Gender Pioneers, Rebecca felt it would be a good addition to the conference.

Driving in to Chapel Hill and crossing the James Taylor Bridge, I caught a glimpse of the Bell Tower. That's when it hit me that this was really going to happen. Like anyone returning to their old stomping grounds, I noted familiar sites and changes comparing them to my years on campus. I had been back a few times in male mode for other work projects, but this was special. I found my way to a new parking deck and finally the student union. Poor Rebecca must have thought I had never been there because the interior had been renovated a few times in the interim years.

I have made a habit when doing my history presentation of dressing fairly plain jane (Carolina blue sweater top and blue jeans on this day) before changing into my period dress. This makes the transformation even more dramatic for me. I wrote one of my reenacting friends the night before how putting on the dress does more than change my outward appearance. It affects my mind, body, and soul and takes me to a different place and time. It is such a drastic change from present day clothing particular for women. Rebecca was visibly impressed when I stepped out of the dressing room. It was also nice to receive compliments while walking to the meeting room. You would have thought women had not dressed that way in about 150 years!

The actual presentation went pretty smooth. I wasn't sure how I would feel during it, but it was all pretty normal. I had the largest crowd ever for my transgender history workshop, and I was honored to give it before this audience. I realized this group of students is well ahead of where I was at their ages. They are already figuring it out, living their lives, and making positive change for themselves and others. A big thank you goes to Rebecca and Kelly, another of my dancing friends, for being there. It was nice to talk to the students afterward and get many new ideas. The education continues for me which makes future presentations better.

I hate returning to modern clothes, but at least I had a dance to go to in Carrboro. So that made three outfits for the day! The dance was crowded, hot, loud, and fantastic. It was a perfect ending to a fun day. The dance reminded how far I've come as I hugged, talked, laughed, and danced with friends old and new. A few know what I have told them about my past life. Like the Star Wars opening, it is almost like that time was part of a movie or in another universe. However, it also a huge influence on my desire to be true to myself. I made a decision around the time I came out that I would never let another group make that choice for me. My identity is for me to determine. The friends I have now are even better because they are attracted to the real me, not some character. We appreciate and celebrate each other for who we are.

No longer is my return to Carolina in my mind. It is another item removed from the darkness of the closet and seeing the light of day. UNC still draws me with its southern charm, some good basketball, a beautiful campus, and a growing LGBT community that is light years beyond what I could have imagined on my graduation day in 1994. There is still a place for me in the southern part of heaven, and I hope to return often.

March 2011 Update

2011-03-23T21:31:00.006-04:00

Almost three months into the new year, and I am beginning to see some turnaround. As usual, it occurs at a snail's pace. However I am making progress towards both the person I want to be and the person I'm intended to be. Call it maturation, an opening of the eyes, a clarity of purpose. They all apply. Just a few short stories to flesh out that idea...

I recently celebrated my 41st birthday. Yes, I'm still counting. The outpouring of love particularly on Facebook was humbling. All the kind words and notes were said and written by friends that I never would have met if I had never come out as Stephanie. My birthday was culminated by my Charlotte contra dance group singing Happy Birthday to me. This was particularly special as the words "dear Stephanie" were part of the annual rite for the first time in my life. I cried tears of joy on the way home. It is moments like these when I know I'm on the right path. Even with all the difficulties of life as a transgender woman, there is a place for me in this world as the real me.

Continuing on the dancing theme, the Charlotte Dance Gypsies held their annual dance weekend, Gypsy Meltdown, at Camp Thunderbird in Lake Wylie, SC this past weekend. Dance weekends are an intense experience on a physical, mental, and even emotional level. I'll have more to write as its a blog post unto itself. Friday night, I went with my usual reddish blond wig. Saturday afternoon, I decided to experiment with my real hair which I've been growing out for about three years now. I liked it so much that I didn't wear the wig the rest of the weekend. The hair still needs some work, but it's a big step to take away the protection of the wig and show more of your real self. I am thankful for all the compliments. I am my own worst critic, but I do finally see a feminine style developing.

Finally, I will be presenting a program called Gender Pioneers at the Southeast Regional Unity Conference at UNC-Chapel Hill on Saturday, April 2 at 3:30 pm. Gender Pioneers is an offshoot of Transgender Adventures in History with more of a focus on the stories of the historical characters. It will be an emotional experience as I have never stepped onto the campus of my alma mater presenting as Stephanie. I have shared the story of being caught cross-dressing by a roommate back in 1992. It was one of my darkest times as I had no idea what to do with my feminine identity. However it was the catalyst to deciding some years later that I would never give control of my identity to a group that did not have my best interests in mind. To come back to UNC and present one of my passions is truly beyond what I would ever have imagined at that time.

A couple of Youtube videos from Gypsy Meltdown. I filmed the first one Sunday afternoon. The second one is from Saturday evening by Michael Simpson. See if you can spot me in it :)

2010 - Taking Some Hits

2010-12-31T00:08:00.002-05:00

I had thought about not continuing my year end series from last year which ended with so much promise and hope. 2010 on paper was not the best year personally. I took more hits as a transgender woman in 2010 than in several previous years combined. There was much disappointment in many of my efforts for the community and myself. I was also the target of many unkind remarks more so this year than ever before. Some of them even came from people in the LGBT community. I can only guess I am riling a few feathers although the fruit is not obvious. Through it all, contra dancing remains a social and spiritual lifeline. While nowhere close to perfect, I can't imagine my life without it.

I have been going out as a transgender woman for almost 13 years although only in the last few years have I started down the road of transition (that is, committing more of my life to living as a woman). I am not a beginner at this, and I've had my share of colorful incidents and encounters. For some reason this past year, those incidents have ramped up in number and intensity. In September, I was ogled and gawked at by several Wendy's workers at the drive-thru in Spartanburg, SC. For the first time, I reported an incident at a contra dance involving hurtful comments during a dance (I could have reported several more over the past year and a half). I have even been insulted by members of the local LGBT community essentially saying my views are uninformed and stupid. It makes a girl want to scream.

What really hurts is that the comments don't always come from obviously bigoted people with no lives. Those are easy to dismiss. Many are made by otherwise nice, welcoming, accepting people who are stalwarts in their respective communities. Seeing me pushes them across a line that somehow it is acceptable to insult me, and they have no fear of any repercussions. That is why it is important that all be treated with basic dignity and respect. I don't expect to win over everyone, and I am thankful for friends who love and accept me as I am. I am slowly developing a thicker skin although the words are always hurtful. I am learning to see my friends and appreciate them. I must add that I have received more random compliments and encouragement from unexpected sources that always make my day.

I do not see a similar light at the end of the tunnel for the Charlotte transgender community. I had so much hope at the end of 2009, but right now we are a very splintered group each going our own separate ways. Without going into too much detail, I must report that the local support group is struggling. Part of the challenge of a support group is dealing with difficult situations. There will always be a part of the group that is going through hard times while others are succeeding. These issues do not go away, and it often takes significant time for a person to get out of a crisis situation. The actual discussion month after month can become overwhelming and discouraging for all concerned. Frustration grows as little progress is shown with the same issues coming up every meeting. The people who are doing well end up leaving as they feel they are getting nothing out of the meetings.

It is a difficult task to keep the support group relevant and positive. Part of the answer lies in everyone contributing what they can to the group. Often times, the loudest complaints come from those who have invested nothing. They expect to show up and be entertained without contributing anything. At one of of my first Kappa Beta meetings back in the day, Sherri Carmichael made the point that the best way to get more out of the group experience is to become involved in the group. It is one of the things I love about the contra dance community. So many give of their time and abilities outside of the actual dances so that others can experience the joy of dancing in a clean and safe environment. They give because so many have given to them.

On the national front, there have been many legislative victories. Unfortunately few of them involve the transgender community. We rejoiced over the passage of the federal hate crimes law late in 2009 and the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell recently. Also the marriage rights issue continues to move forward with major progress in the courts very possible in 2011. Unfortunately, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act never came to a vote despite repeated promises. This, in my mind, is the most important piece of legislation as it involves our right to live and work, and yet it is treated like the least important.

In so many ways, the transgender community is being told it is not worthy of respect. The City of Charlotte changed policy (but not law) protecting sexual preference (but not gender identity) in the municipal workplace. Charlotte city attorney Mac McCarley has made comments in 2010 and 2009 almost gleefully saying that gender identity is not a legally protected class. We were openly mocked by an LGB event during race week in May. Many of my transgender friends have been told by the LGB community to “Get over it.” That is a terrible thing to say to someone. I will never get over it much to the consternation of many. It just shows how much work still needs to be done even with our allies. This is not true of everyone in the LGBT community, and I am thankful for the many positive conversations even when we disagree.

Much of the above has left me depressed particularly in recent months. I have cried, overslept, under slept, isolated myself, not eaten well at times, and been moody. I am fortunate I don't drink much or do drugs. My work has actually improved slowly in the past year and shows great promise for 2011. For my transition, that is the big key. I have not progressed as much physically (no hormones, hair removal, etc), but I have grown socially. Many thanks go to my friends in real life (thank you Holley, Emily R, and Pamela) and virtually (thank you Jenna T and Nicole S). It is hard to express my full gratitude as they often hear about the ugly things in my life. Their listening, encouragement, and yes the tough love has helped me grow immensely even with all the negativity. If I can make one resolution for 2011, it is not to cut myself off when I need to be around people. I have also been neglectful of my spiritual side due to my weekend schedule. That cannot continue in 2011.

On the positive side, I have grown to love contra dancing more and more. I love the connection it gives me to people. I especially enjoy the dance weekends as I feel the most acceptance there. I also learn the most as it draws dancers from all over the world. With a new camera and editing system, I can give back to the dance community by filming and posting dances from all of my travels. I am continuing my living history research in the Civil War era and gender variant people. Transgender Adventures in History will probably get a new name in 2011. It's just time for a little re-branding. I was especially excited by a good turn-out at Southern comfort Conference in Atlanta. Now I need to find a way to generate more interest locally. The stories are good. I would like for more people to hear them.

Much like the beginning of 2010, difficult decisions lie ahead in 2011. I may have to cut back on some things so I can grow in other areas. I may even hurt a few people in the process. It is not intentional. I must grow in my feminine identity and presentation so I can be a more useful person and pursue the long-term goals I have set out. One friend advised, “If you want to be a woman, then be it.” It sounds simple, but it is quite the revelation. Be and embrace who you are. I am not very good at being someone else or being what others think I should be. My life is much more fulfilling and rich as a genuine person. So that is who I will strive to be. Then I can truly fly.

2010 Transgender Day of Remembrance

2010-11-21T09:39:00.004-05:00

The following is my speech for the Transgender Day of Remembrance observance in Charlotte, NC on November 20, 2010. I was asked to speak on the history of the event.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance was first officially observed in 1999. However it really began with a candlelight vigil following the murder of Rita Hester, a popular African-American transsexual woman, on November 28, 1998 in Allston, MA in the Boston area. Rita Hester was stabbed 20 times, but nothing was stolen from her person. Like so many murders including those in the transgender community, this one would have been forgotten and conveniently overlooked if not for the efforts of the local community organizing a candlelight vigil on December 4 which drew an estimated 200 in attendance. The lack of investigation by local law enforcement and the negative coverage in the press only a month after the tragic murder of Matthew Shepard angered many. The press consistently referred to Hester as a “transgendered man.” By the next year, the Transgender Day of Remembrance had been established in San Francisco by Gwendolyn Ann Smith.

Smith set up the Remembering Our Dead website and started the Transgender Day of Remembrance when she realized the murder of Chanelle Pickett, another transgender woman of color, in 1995 had been forgotten by most in her regular chat room despite heavy coverage and activism following the murder and during the trial of the killer. She realized the need for an annual memorial to read the names of all of our transgender brothers and sisters whose lives were taken away. The website is a way to document all the known names and be sure they are never forgotten.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance grew from one city to thirteen in 2000. There are now several hundred across the globe including many in North Carolina. As far as we know, the first Charlotte remembrance was in 2006 and has been held every year since 2008. Smith's work on the web has been picked up by Ethan St. Pierre also from the Boston area who makes our official international list. Both Gwen and Ethan's websites are listed on the back of your program.

The Transgender Day of Remembrance serves as a means of calling attention to lost lives by means of brutal murder. Most of these murders remain unsolved. We remind all of our friends, whether they be transgender, gay, or straight that we are your family members, co-workers, worshipers in houses of prayer, and fellow human beings. While we often talk about hate crimes and other appropriate legislative efforts, this is not about politics. This is not about building up any one person's or organization's ego. No one should benefit from politicizing our dead. It is about basic human dignity. It is about seeing the sunrise, the dawn of a new day and all the hope and promise that comes with it. We understand that when one life is taken away because of who they are, we all lose.

I had the honor earlier this year to visit the USS Arizona memorial in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. In the midst of untold natural beauty on the island paradise, the memorial is a stark contrast that remembers the American men and women who gave their lives on that awful day that will live in infamy. It is a quiet serene place above the wreckage of the sunken ship with oil still drifting to the top of the water. At the back wall of the third and last room sits engraved all the names... over one thousand names. That's when the enormity and significance of the day hits you. For me, it was quite overwhelming. When we read the names tonight, don't be afraid to be affected by it. Think about each one. Some, especially those listed as unidentified, did not receive a proper burial, a real funeral, a time for friends and family to pay their last respects. Let us undertake that role tonight. Thank you.

Transgender Adventures in History outline

2010-09-19T19:22:00.003-04:00

I recently brought back the Transgender Adventures in History presentation at the last Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta. Walking through the hotel lobby wearing my green Civil War era dress, several people approached me about attending the seminar but had conflicts with the scheduled time. They asked about an outline of my seminar notes. So here is a Reader's Digest version of the presentation. Of course, it is better to attend if only to see the beauty of me in a corset, hoop skirt, bonnet, and big dress! My next presentation is September 28, 7 pm at the Charlotte LGBT Community Center as part of Pride Charlotte Week.

Transgender Adventures in History is designed as a combination of my gender identity and mainstream reenacting. At the 2006 Southern Comfort Conference, I was so moved by what all my transgender brothers and sisters were doing that I decided to revisit some old ideas. I presented the seminar idea following 2007 SCC and have continued with it ever since. It is for both the LGBT and mainstream communities.

Part one is the historical characters themselves. These are pre-twentieth century folks who lived another gender identity for some portion of their lives and were celebrated for it. My philosophy is to leave the 20th and 21st centuries at the doors as those periods are better known. I enjoy discovering those who persevered and even thrived even without the benefit of medical technology, support groups, and a good makeup mirror. My current rotation (in no particular order) is the Greek hero Achilles, pirates Mary Read and Anne Bonny, Chevalier Charles d'Eon de Beaumont, Deborah Sampson, Albert Cashier, and Sarah Emma Edmonds. The last three fought in American wars and showed tremendous bravery living as men.

Part two is a brief fashion history of American women in the 19th century. Many are fascinated at my dress and how it is put together. After all, no one can go into any store today and buy clothing resembling such a dress. So many of my reenacting women friends talk of the feeling of putting on the dress and how it takes your mind back to a different time and place. It really is an amazing feeling. I describe the many layers of my outfit and the purpose of each. I also show period and reenacting photographs with various styles from around the Civil War.

Part three, the newest addition, is about Civil War era dancing. My recent discovery of contra dancing actually flows pretty well into many of the dances popular during the Civil War. Dancing was important as a social construct and as a form of escape from the rigors of war. Like any art form, the American dance had evolved from its European roots. Group dancing such as quadrilles (i.e. square dancing) were the predominant dance forms although couples dances like waltzing were popular as well. Of course, dancing in my dress is a bit more refined and gentile than the modern contra dance. If time and space permits, I try to show a few of the basic dance moves.

The final part is my stories from reenacting trips and living history including the story of the green dress, the Ghost Walks, and Bentonville. I also include terms and a brief history of Civil War reenacting. Many outsiders assume that reenacting is just dress-up and boys playing with toy guns. Nothing could be further from the truth as Civil War reenacting has become a serious hobby for many over the last 50 years. Many movies from recent years have relied upon the knowledge of seasoned reenactors for authenticity. Needless to say, my going out as a transgender women acts a bit of spice and intrigue to the story!

The presentation concludes with my hope that LGBT people will be inspired by my stories. I speak of ideas, thoughts, and aspirations that we put in little boxes only to set them aside and never consider. We used words like "fantasy", "impossible", "dream", and "wish." A few years ago, I decided to reconsider this idea of reenacting as part of my gender journey. I no longer wanted to dream and fantasize about it. I wanted to pursue it knowing that the path wouldn't be easy, but it would stretch and push me like never before. As a result, I have grown in both my mainstream presentation and my inner soul as a woman. The seminar is the result of that continuing journey.

Clearing the Gunk Out

2010-07-18T02:12:00.002-04:00

Nothing like a hometown dance with a wonderful band to clear all the gunk out of your heart, soul, and mind.

I posted the above on my Facebook page last Wednesday night following a particularly fun dance in Charlotte with the band Nor’Easter. It was a magical night where it seemed every partner and I were in sync with each other, the music, and the rest of the dancers. It truly is special to have a connection with your dance partner that goes beyond the dance and spoken word. That human connection has given me life experiences that I’ve never had before as a woman which is a special gift.

My growth as a dancer recently has been in that connection with others. You start out very wobbly learning the steps and then how to work those steps to the music. Like learning anything new, those initial dances are a bit of a stumbling process. Fortunately the contra dance community is very forgiving which gives new dancers room to develop. I was so tight and nervous the first several months of dancing as I wanted to be perfect. My friend Holley told me it’s not about being perfect. I credit her with dragging me out of beginner’s stage by helping me to relax. The moves will come. The understanding of the music will come. Don’t worry about the mistakes, and enjoy the dance. It’s supposed to be fun after all.

In all of the above, I have not even mentioned being a transgender woman. At my regular dances, it’s just not that much of an issue anymore. One of the most rewarding experiences was my full dance weekend in June in Asheville, NC. A dance weekend is just that. Dancers from all over the country descend on one spot for a weekend of dancing. From Friday night through Sunday afternoon, you are immersed in the contra dance world. I had my own dorm room at the site, Warren Wilson College. Except for breakfast, I presented as Stephanie the entire time. The acceptance and welcoming attitude was beyond anything I have ever experienced. I think being a transgender woman was an issue for maybe two dances. After that, I was part of the group. What was important was I there to dance and expand my horizons. The biggest issue was one of stamina. I fizzled out late Saturday night and had to recharge for the next day. I’ll be in better shape next year.

What the dance weekend showed me was the true spirit of contra dancing. While we choose our partners, we have little control over who is in our dance lines. It forces you to appreciate all different kinds of people, smaller, bigger, men, women, older, younger, black, white, brown, etc. The one commonality is all the smiles from dancing, laughing, dipping, and giggling. The happiness for me comes from the human touch and warmth of others. I have been shown kindness, friendship, love, even affection and intimacy… all things that I have not had in great quantities as a woman. It’s all part of the socialization process for me as Stephanie. I constantly have doubts whether I can make it in this world as a woman. My friends give me the strength and courage to carry on and embrace who I am. They accept and even celebrate my uniqueness and gifts. I can’t think of a better gift.

So why the need to clear the gunk? Besides life’s usual struggles, there are a few dances that require a bit more work. Normally it is at a new dance venue, and that was the case a week ago at Valle Crucis (near Boone, NC). Unlike the first visit to River Falls, people were not openly critical of me. However I had to work a bit harder to find dance partners as I was being turned down early and often. In talking to other dancers, I have learned that every dance community has a different culture that may not be welcoming to outsiders. That’s true in so many different activities. Add to that me being a transgender woman, and the result is predictable. I did not connect well with my partners as I’m sure my anxiety showed. Halfway home, I pulled over in the dark for a good cry. It was that frustrating. I’ll be back though as it is a beautiful setting, and the dancers are good if not completely welcoming.

That is why Wednesday night was so magical. It was a complete turnaround from Valle Crucis and made me drop the sadness I had been carrying around like a dark cloud over my head. All the negativity disappeared and was replaced with a calmness and brighter outlook. It reminded me of one of the points that we make at our transgender support group meetings. You never know the kind of day each person has had. A listening ear, a friendly shoulder, an extra hug, even asking a person for a dance can brighten their day. You may never know the positive effect you have by showing you care.

Thank you to all my dance partners both on and off the floor. You have made my life richer and fuller beyond measure. I hope I can give some of that back.

Magnolia Ball Memories

2010-04-08T16:38:00.003-04:00

In the initial discussions for the 2010 Carolinas Gender Odyssey, it was pretty quickly decided that the Saturday night formal event should include the return of the Magnolia Ball. For those that do not remember, the Magnolia Ball was held each May (usually in Charlotte) up until 2001. For many years in the 90's, it was the premier spring event in the Carolinas. I must admit that a smile and a tear came to my eye when we decided to include the Magnolia Ball in the inaugural CGO.

My first Magnolia Ball was in 1998 at the old Valentino's on Independence Blvd.I had bought a royal blue prom dress at a Goodwill store in Wilkesboro. It was a few years The dress became very special as I had always wanted to be the girl at the prom. Putting on that dress, seeing myself in the mirror, getting help with my makeup were all quite emotional. I even was a back-up lip-syncer in one of the acts. The late Dyana Lee Radke complimented us on our timing with the twirls.

I have been fortunate enough to go well beyond my original goals and dreams. However every time I put on a formal dress, I think back to that first dress and my first Magnolia Ball. It is a symbol of dreams coming true and more to come.

I Love My Friends!

2010-02-06T12:11:00.004-05:00

Those who are friends with me on Facebook have already seen part of this story. I have had conversations with transgender people over the years whether it is worth the effort to be out in the world as a TG woman. This is my response. One disclaimer and caveat is that your mileage may vary. What works for me may not work for you. That's just life.

For the longest time, I had been looking for another social outlet as Stephanie. I had a desire to make friends and be around people who knew me as the real me. I have been very blessed in the past 10 months to have found this outlet in contra dancing. While it hasn't always been easy, it has been rewarding in a way that I could have never imagined before. One of my TG friends, Paige, said it very well that you will of course meet people who reject you out of hand. That's life. The opposite is also true. I have many new lifelong friends.

One of my dance friends, Holley, told me around the holidays how much the Charlotte dance community thought about me. I had been struggling with feeling accepted completely there, and she wanted to make me feel better about the situation. I didn't believe her totally until an incident Monday night.

Monday night is the regular Charlotte dance. After the dance, many of us went to our usual hangout, Jackalope Jacks. Another TG gal, Jenna, joined us there, and we all had a wonderful time eating, sharing stories, texting each other, trading food, writing new dances, laughing, taking pictures, and enjoying each others company. It was hugs all around as I left on my own around 11:30pm.

I walked outside (a bit too fast I might add) and was immediately read by two half drunk twenty something men. One immediately said, "What the f*** is that?" I kept on walking as I always do in that situation. Turning on the iced over wooden walkway, I slipped and almost fell twice. Knowing their eyes were boring right into me, I regained my composure, looked over my shoulder, and then walked slowly to my car. As I turned the corner of the building, I heard a few guffaws and grunts.

I've reached the point where I honestly do not care what people like that think. It is meaningless to me. My main concern was for my safety. Most of us who have been out in public know that adults in general are usually too polite to say anything to us even if they are offended or taken back. These two crossed that line with little effort. I was concerned they would cross other lines. Fortunately they didn't. Still it is a lesson that I should have had someone with me that late at night.

Returning home, I posted a quick Facebook status: "Not the most graceful exit from Jackalopes... otherwise a fun night!" My friend Julie asked what had happened, and I gave her the quick version. I had so many responses of support the next two days. I was really moved that what could have been a depressing incident turned into something so heartwarming. I received notes from people in the TG, contra dance, church, gay, and straight communities. Pastor Nancy said it best: "I sincerely doubt that those who made hateful remarks are as loved by as many as you are Steph. One reaps what one sows. A hateful heart only attracts hateful people."

I rarely toot my own horn, but this is why I am out there. All the labels in the world didn't matter. I have friends who know the real me which goes beyond being transgender. I like to think I got there by being gracious and genuine. If people are interested, I am glad to talk about my transgender life. I don't force it down people's throat. I may be the first transgender person they knowingly meet and interact with. Now they have a positive impression of our community which I hope makes it easier for those who follow. I take that responsibility seriously.

So Holley was right more than either of us knew. So many stood up for me, and I do the same for them. It's not about the labels. It is about the friendships which come from unlikely places and develop in surprising and beautiful ways. Those are the blessings I count daily.

Perspective

2010-01-23T15:03:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite scenes in Dead Poet's Society involves the Robin Williams character asking his poetry students to stand on their desks. Initially thinking the exercise silly, the students comply with wondrous results. An otherwise ordinary classroom looks very different from an unfamiliar position. The idea is of course that a change of location, even something very simple, produces a very different view of the world.

Contra dancing has somewhat of a similar perspective element. You're always in motion with regards to the dance floor and the people around you. However one move, the swing, has the wondrous capacity even while in motion to make the world stand still. It all depends on where you look. If you point your eyes in the space around you, the world becomes a literally dizzying confusing place. It is near impossible to maintain balance. Looking at your partner's eyes produces the opposite effect of calm and stillness. He/she is in the same place for the whole move with respect to you. Your partner becomes your rock, your solid place. Looking at your partner also gives both of you a greater connection during the dance. That connection is something I'm still learning. It is more than learning the moves of the dance. It involves an unspoken communication that is quite beautiful when fully realized.

My perspective living in both the female and male worlds also changes as I move between the two. While I consider myself the same person no matter which gender I present, the roles are so different to make it seem like I'm a different person. It is one of the more difficult aspects of living a 50/50 life. In my mind, I know who I am which goes well beyond my transgender identity. I do many other things in life. As a transgender woman, it is often problematic for a person to look beyond my presentation. Those who do take the time to see the whole person have become amazing friends. When presenting as a male, I have to act many times in a way that is contrary to my inner being. It is as much survival instinct as anything as I still work in the male world. It is an unusual perspective that few ever experience. I believe in the long run as I move towards more of a feminine presentation that it will be useful. For the time being, it takes much energy to maintain that balance.

Time is one element that is constant. It moves at a consistent pace. Yet, our perspective of various events whether personal or global is always changing. Certainly some events such as September 11 or Pearl Harbor lose little of their emotional impact and intensity for those that lived through them. Most wounds do heal over time. Each day, each week's issues and problems will fade in the overall tapestry of our lives. That is why I am thankful for friends who help me maintain a proper perspective. Keeping my eyes on my partner during a contra dance swing reminds me that in the midst of a group dance, peace and lasting friendships are formed by being focused on the one you're with.

2009 - Learning to Fly

2010-01-01T19:56:00.002-05:00

Wishing all a very happy and joyous 2010. I begin my first post of the new year with a look back at the old year. I posted on Facebook on New Year's Eve:

I have dubbed 2009 the year I grew my wings and learned to fly with some nervous but certain steps into the world. In 2010, I will fly higher into that world and soar like the great eagle.

Later that night while waltzing at the contra dance, my partner Gretchen asked me if I felt I had transitioned in 2009. I don't think she meant transition in the sense that the transgender community uses the term (i.e. full-time living, surgery, etc.). I think she was asking about how I viewed myself. I said yes in the sense that I had begun socializing in the mainstream world as Stephanie. She agreed and added that it showed very much in my dancing. I am always moved when a friend makes that kind of comment. Looking back, it seems I am being shown a path that I had never before considered. It involves being vulnerable and more intimate with people. Before I had taken baby steps. In 2009, I took a leap of faith. The old saying is true. I grew wings along the way.

I started 2009 very much wanting to become more involved in Civil War reenacting. My experience in Bentonville in March however was very much a reality check. It was quite educational to see that world. I didn't even really think at the time that what I was doing was particularly a big deal. I was simply following the next logical step in my reenacting goals. Along the way, I realized that I learn the most when I put myself in less than ideal circumstances. Some of my dreams are so big that I don't care what others think about them. Yet I do care about how my presentation is perceived. I so do not want to be a man in a dress because I don't see myself that way. The hard lesson was that my presentation must continue to improve. Due to those issues and others (finances, time, etc.), reenacting was put on the back burner in 2009. It is not going away though. I will return at a time when I can give this wonderful hobby its proper time and respect.

Out of that March episode came an invitation from Stormi, my reenacting contact, and her boyfriend Peter to a contra dance in Durham. We had never met face to face, and I was happy she wanted to chat even after the Bentonville situation. Thinking back, they may have known that I needed to expose myself to the world more. I needed to socialize as Stephanie with the mainstream. Maybe they thought contra dancing would be uplifting, and I would be more accepted in that community. Maybe they wanted to make up for a bad incident. I enjoyed that first dance enough to return. I even found contra dances locally in Charlotte and Winston-Salem. Ironically, I have not been back to the Triangle dances since July due to scheduling and the odd snow storm or two.

A few dances from the past year are worth noting. My first trip to a dance in Charlotte was one of the scariest things I've done. I had become comfortable with the Triangle dancers (and hopefully they with me), and now I was walking into a new place knowing virtually no one. A special thank you goes to Dean, Lisa, and Hampton for being so welcoming that night. Also a big thanks goes to Will, Emily, Heather, and Cynthia at the Winston-Salem dances for their friendship and support. Other favorite dances from the year were Contrathon in Glendale Springs, Feet Retreat at Camp Sertoma, the Charlotte Halloween dance where I actually danced in a prom dress for the first time, and last night's New Year's Eve where I actually danced in a little black dress for the first time.

One dance trip that I have not mentioned was a Halloween night trip to River Falls in northwest South Carolina. Like Bentonville, I put myself in a less than ideal spot. I chose not to wear a costume as it was a long trip. You can guess what happened from there. I was called names that I had not heard since junior high. The pre-dance time was not very pleasant. They didn't know how to react to me. I think many were surprised that I knew the woman's role in the contra set. Fortunately, the cavalry came to the rescue in the form of Holley, Tracie, and Britt who arrived later. It was so good to see friendly faces. Holley, in particular, is the one that keeps me grounded whenever I'm upset at people's reactions. She's also a wonderful teacher encouraging me to take the lead role. I returned to River Falls the Saturday before Christmas with much better results. Maybe it was a different crowd especially not being Halloween, but I had a much better time. The girl power that night was off the scale as the women were very much into the dancing. I enjoyed the feeling of being one of the girls and feeding off that energy. It was quite infectious.

Another positive in 2009 was the growth in the Charlotte LGBT community. Of note were the Pride Charlotte week programs including the Transgender Living Experience and Library. I was honored to organize that event and gratified at the excellent presentations and turn-out. Another noteworthy series is the roundtable discussions at the center. Kudos to Pamela and Teresa for their leadership in those monthly discussions. It's amazing how certain subjects (religion, discrimination, etc.) pop up no matter the original topic. It has been an educational experience to meet so many of my brothers and sisters going through similar struggles in their daily lives. I believe we in the LGBT community have so much in common. We may not always understand each other, but we are often the best support structure. Finally the Transgender Day of Remembrance is a solemn time to remember those who have passed on due to hate and violence. I was proud to see so many join us for that event.

The growth however is in fits and starts. Some of the conversation during the Christmas potluck at the community center was on the need for more cooperation from the various entities of the LGBT community. The old saying is true about a house divided. We as a community must come together and pool our resources. Otherwise none of us will make it.

The same is true of the transgender community. We have many outstanding outreaches going on by individual members. Many of us go out and do our thing and then report back at our Charlotte Gender Alliance meetings. I feel the allure of the mainstream world as being out is the start to fulfilling the long term goal of living completely as Stephanie. Yet I never want to abandon the transgender community. There are too people to reach and too many stories to tell.

2009 was also a time I began a return to my faith, and it has been way too long. I need to be in a family of believers after several years of being a lone ranger. Thank you to the Trinity United Church of Christ in Concord for being so welcoming. I look forward to becoming more committed to my church family. I take to heart their line of, “God is still speaking.” I pray everyday for wisdom, guidance, and strength for our leaders, the world, and finally myself. None of the above happens by coincidence. God through the Holy Spirit and the Bible speaks to me everyday. I am very much a work in progress. I was created this way to His glory. I can only hope that I become closer everyday to who I am intended to be.

In 2009, I grew wings. In 2010, I soar. Thank you to all my friends, new and old. You have enriched this girl's life beyond measure. You are the wind beneath those newly grown wings. For so long, I had been scared to become too close to people as Stephanie thinking I would drive them away if they knew me too well. I assumed the worst of the people in the mainstream world. The opposite became true in 2009. While there are some who are and may never be comfortable with me, I found friends willing to reach out to me. They shared of their life, their experiences, even their love. I have been shown kindness, dignity, tenderness, respect... all the things that we as human beings need to make it in this world. With all of these things, life is good. The best is yet to come.

A Question

2009-11-29T01:19:00.001-05:00

The most interesting conversations happen with your partner and sometimes other dancers during a contra dance. Most revolve around the quality of the band or of the dancing itself. During one of the swings of a dance, I was asked something that cannot be answered in the space of two twirls. The question was, “How long have you been transgendered?” This was someone whom I’ve thanked for being welcoming from day one. So I did not have a problem with her asking. My answer was, “All my life.” I realized though that may not have been what she was asking. As we met for each “balance and swing,” I tried to fill in the gaps best I could. I thought of each of the various iterations of the questions. Perhaps this was a chance to add a bit more to my back story as a transgendered woman.

How long have you been transgendered? The literal answer to this question is the one I gave: all my life. I was born this way so I have always been transgendered. My identity (i.e. what is in my brain) has always been hardwired to female. I don’t know how or why. I just know it is. Over the years, even with the effects of testosterone and male social conditioning, I still identify as female. That tells you the brain’s wiring of gender identity is pretty strong.

How long have you known you were transgendered? I have known I was different since a very young age… probably since age five. I know I had dreams where I was a girl at that age. I have also shared the story of watching my grandparents ballroom dance at age nine and being entranced by the women in their beautiful dresses. However once I stepped out for the first time en femme in broad daylight… only then did I know for sure. I knew this was right. This is who I was. Only in recent years have I begun to understand the full extent of my female identity in that it goes beyond the clothes.

When did you start acting on your transgender identity? This may have been the real point of my friend’s question. When did my life and my outward presentation begin reflecting my inner being? I put this in three stages. First was my exploration period that began in college and up to time of being discovered by my church friends and then chatting on the internet. Second was actually going out en femme in public with Kappa Beta beginning in February 1998. For several years following that first public outing, I thought it was just the clothes. That began to change around 2005 as I realized my feminine being was much deeper. The third and most recent stage is my involvement the last couple of years with mainstream and LGBT efforts. These activities (Civil War reenactments, contra dancing, community event planning, etc.) have solidified in my mind my feminine identity.

On another note, this week has been an especially hard one with the loss of two of our own in the transgendered community. Heather Ramsey was the technical coordinator at Southern Comfort Conference for the last several years. She died in a car crash a week ago Saturday (Nov 21, 2009). I volunteered with the tech crew for a couple years and was able to see her work first hand. She was as talented and committed an individual as I’ve ever seen. She also taught me something about being myself. There is a huge hole in our community with her passing that will not be easily filled. I am only glad that I left her with a hug at the last SCC. You can see her memorial page at the SCC site. RIP Heather. You will be missed.

I am also saddened by the report of the apparent suicide of L.A. Times sportswriter Mike Penner/Christine Daniels. We never met, but I was moved by her transition story in May 2007. It was announced in October 2008 however that she had de-transitioned and returned to being Mike Penner. I wrote at the time that I believed that she did not stop being transgendered. Her circumstances, whether it was job, family, or something else, forced her to return to her male role. Over a year after that de-transition, she made the ultimate decision. Depression to the point of suicide is common in our community. That’s why support is so vital. Only a week after the Transgender Day of Remembrance, we have a name to read in 2010. Mike/Christine was an immensely talented writer. I pray for the families of both Heather and Mike/Christine that they may be comforted.

SCC and Feet Retreat

2009-09-29T15:18:00.004-04:00

I promised a recap of story links from past posts at Transgender Adventures in History:

My Dream Dress

A Place to be a Southern Belle

A Place to be a Southern Belle Pt. 2

A New Adventure Realized

A Step Forward into the Past

Ripples

This past weekend was tremendous attending both Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta and Feet Retreat in Danbury, NC. As I mentioned earlier, my SCC trip was shortened due to scheduling and finances. I once again had a wonderful time with the http://vanityclub.com/ ladies Thursday night at the lovely Maggiano’s in Perimeter Mall. I enjoy every chance to dress up and breaking bread with friends I haven’t seen in so long. I finally went with one of my prom dresses with a black velvet short sleeve bodice and taffeta wine red skirt. Everyone looked lovely which you would expect from our group. I do have some pictures forthcoming.

Friday morning, I had the pleasure of presenting Transgender Adventures in History for the second year. It was nice to see some faces from the previous year and some new ones too. One topic that we discussed was how restrictive the women’s clothing was in the 19th century and how it mirrored the overall lives of women. While I can say I very much enjoy wearing the dress, corset, and hoop skirt, I’m not sure how I would view the clothes if they were my only choice. Even as a transgender woman, I have many more options today. I also enjoyed sharing the stories of women soldiers in the Civil War as detailed in They Fought Like Demons. Please feel free to email me at nc_southernbelle “at” windstream.net with any suggestions for future presentations. I’d love to have more attendance, but I also want the seminar to continue to be useful and informative.

I caught up with many friends by lunch on Friday. SCC has become quite the family reunion. There were plenty of hugs, laughter, and catching up. There are even a couple of people who knew me only as a name on a chat board before I ever went out. Now that’s going back a ways. Even with the economy, the registration numbers were encouraging. It’s a credit to the SCC board and volunteers that each conference builds on itself with compelling and useful programming. It’s what moved me to get involved a few years back. I was saddened to leave in the middle of Friday lunch.

Who knew that Saturday held in store an equally compelling experience? Many recent posts have detailed my contra dance visits. You probably get the idea that I like it quite a bit. In short, it has been a huge blessing for me this year. I feel I have another group I can safely call family. It’s been that good.

Saturday night was part of a weekend dance event called Feet Retreat. I was only able to attend the Saturday night dance. I made the hour and a half drive in a downpour which wasn’t a big deal until the final five miles. Road construction had a road with no pavement markings, and there were no street lights. Imagine the beginning of any horror movie with a young girl lost in the rainstorm happening upon a haunted house. I pulled in the gravel driveway of Camp Sertoma and saw signs of life. In the distance, I viewed a large wooden cabin with lights and a beautiful noise pouring out. The noise was laughter, applause, foot stomping, and music. I parked my car and ran through the rain towards it. Inside I put on a wristband and waited for the next dance to begin. About 250 dancers filled that large cabin, and the music came from Notorious. Talk about a perfect evening.

Much like SCC, I greeted friends at every turn. The only difference was I didn’t know any of these people six months ago. If you had told me at 2008 SCC I’d be a dancing fool, well you know the rest. I danced every contra except the first that night. The running joke about Feet Retreat was that no one’s feet got any retreat! So many asked if this was my first dance weekend like they knew that it was a special experience for me. A few even encouraged me to attend a full weekend even knowing my logistical hazards. It shows that I am accepted and welcomed for who I am. When the volunteers were acknowledged for Feet Retreat, I gave a knowing nod to my dance partner. Any event of this magnitude doesn’t just happen. Like SCC, it requires a huge commitment and much planning.

Two events, two wonderful communities, and one very grateful dancing southern belle. I am thankful to be involved and welcomed by both. They add so much that is good to this world, and they don’t keep those good things to themselves. The world could learn a thing or two from these communities. I’m happy I already have.

Transgender Adventures in History at 2009 SCC

2009-09-21T13:16:00.002-04:00

Hoop skirt, check. Corset, check. Big cotton dress, check. Lots of makeup and digital camera, check! Hmmm, it must be time for Southern Comfort Conference (SCC) in Atlanta with a bit of a historical twist. For those who have not heard of SCC, it is the largest transgender gathering in the world. For several days every fall, the community comes together in a celebration of its gender gifts. The three main days of SCC (Sept. 24-26) consists of seminars, outings, luncheons, and the marketplace in the lovely Crowne Plaza Ravinia in northern Atlanta. It concludes Saturday night with a formal dinner. This year’s theme is “Heroes in Our Lives,” and many efforts are being made during SCC to recognize those who have gone before us and many who are thankfully still contributing.

SCC will be a bit different for me this time as I am only staying one night and two days (Thursday/Friday). I will once again gather with my Vanity Club sisters Thursday evening at a local Italian restaurant for our annual Glam Dinner. We love dressing up to the nines and enjoying each other’s company. For many of us, this is the only time we “see” each other. I am still deciding on a dress… decisions, decisions!

Friday morning at 10:35am is my Transgender Adventures in History presentation. Like last year, it will be broken up into four parts. First, I will share some stories from gender variant people of the past. As part of the SCC theme, I will give special recognition to the women who served during the American Civil War. Second is a history of 19th century women’s fashions. I have many new photos to show this time. Third, I will tell some of my own stories breaking into mainstream reenacting. Those who read this blog regularly will have a head start on those tales! Finally, I will speak about the world of reenacting with special attention to Civil War reenacting. I will, of course, be dressed appropriately in Civil War era dress. This time, the costume will be much more historically accurate, although still not perfect. Like any reenactor, my impression must grow and improve, and the costume is a big part of that.

One of the wonderful things about SCC is the many who choose to go out en femme for the first time during the conference. The organizers and longtime attendees are always amazed and humbled that so many discover their feminine identity at SCC. I am inspired by their courage and resolve. I am also lifted up by all the stories from my transgender brothers and sisters around the world. It was 2006 SCC that moved me to begin taking more steps in being out in the real world. The Civil War reenacting and contra dancing are some of the fruits of that inspiration. I will be sad to leave after the Friday lunch, but I will be returning with many new stories. The great thing is I will be diving right back into the real world with a great contra dance event Saturday night (Feet Retreat) and some other planning meetings. I want to keep my feet firmly planted in both the transgender and mainstream communities. This week is another step in that direction.

Fall Dancing

2009-09-10T00:05:00.002-04:00

While the fall season technically does not begin for another two weeks, the cooler air has me thinking of October and November instead of the last days of summer. I speak often of the playfulness of the hot temperatures and late sunsets giving way to the seriousness of the changing leaves and shorter days. I feel it once again as my focus shifts to the important work at hand. Specifically for me, that means a continuous search for free lance video production jobs (which has been going better as of late). It also involves planning for many events such as a Southern Comfort Conference presentation and the Transgender Day of Remembrance on November 20th. There are many other exciting endeavors, some of which I hope to share with you.

Labor day weekend was very nice with a Charlotte Gender Alliance meeting on Saturday and then three straight nights of contra dancing. Talking with my friend Pamela Jones after the meeting Saturday, I was very excited about going out. I think some of my transgender friends believe I'm a bit off my rocker for going out into the mainstream as an open T-gal. As I mentioned in my last post, I am in a somewhat vulnerable position. There is no hiding who I am especially after a few dances with sweat pouring down my face. I do open myself to rude comments, strange looks, and even outright rejection. Maybe I am getting a thicker skin, but it doesn't bother me as much.

What also helps is that most of the contra dance community is quite accepting. I made a point of thanking a couple of people the last week for going above and beyond in welcoming me. I wanted them to know how much it meant to me. As I have become a regular at many of the dances, the feeling of community has become apparent. The dance Sunday was a 12 hour contrathon (of which I only did six hours!) at Glendale Springs in the beautiful North Carolina mountains. The cool and wet weather was a relief from the Charlotte region. Many of us went out to the local seafood restaurant at the dinner break. I don't know if anyone realized the significance of me as a transgender woman being with an otherwise mainstream crowd in a public restaurant. The waitress called me “ma'am” when asking for my order. No kids screamed. There were no hysterics about a man in a dress. Conversation flowed as our tired bodies allowed. All was as it should have been.

Racking my brain remembering my experiences over the last 11 years of going out en femme, I believe the above is a first for me. I have of course gone out to restaurants with transgender or mixed company and also on my own. I don't think I have ever been out in public with a group as the only transgender person. And you know what? It wasn't that big of a deal. I say that completely in a positive way as no one seemed bothered by me eating with them. I also went out Tuesday night following the Winston-Salem dance with similar results. It was nice to relax and not worry so much about being who you are. That barrier has been torn down, and we could talk about normal things like jobs, hometowns, and even dancing.

One friend relayed a story about a post-dance gathering at a bar following one of my earlier dances. My transgender identity was a huge stumbling block even with a fairly accepting group. They didn't know how to approach me. What do you say to her? I was something completely new, but we have all figured out that friendships develop the same regardless of gender identity. We're all human. We all have baggage of some kind, but we all also need others to love us and accept us as we are. She told me the story to encourage me about how much I've grown. The same person even said I was breaking new ground. I don't see myself as an activist, but I do love being out as the real me. By being vulnerable, the positives far outweigh the negatives. I have friendships that I never would have had otherwise. I am experiencing life in ways I never would have dreamed about. I am truly blessed.

One note on my SCC presentation in Atlanta, Transgender Adventures in History. It was rescheduled for Friday, September 25th from the 9am slot to 10:35am. I hope to have a short preview soon, but women in the Civil War will be a prominent theme. Hopefully the later time will let more of the late risers attend. I hope to see many folks there. It's also an honor and a pleasure to speak to people I consider family even if we have never met. So more to come... until then, I have to plan my next dance!

A New Dance

2009-08-05T23:01:00.003-04:00

In my efforts to move my femme side into the mainstream, I had been looking for something, anything I could do regularly with a social group. Anything from a book club to yoga would have been sufficient. Civil War reenacting has been somewhat of a small step that will eventually become a giant leap. However certain barriers that I have detailed in past blog posts prevent me from immersing myself completely in reenacting. It is frustrating to say the least but hardly an impossible situation.

Following my Bentonville outing in March, a couple of my reenacting friends invited me to something called a contra dance. I had seen pictures of them dancing on Facebook and had no idea what it was about. It seemed fun, and my friends described it as “uplifting” and “stress relieving.” The music (something between bluegrass, country, and folk) seemed pretty fun. Just what the doctor ordered I thought.

My first dance was at a small community center called Pleasant Green in Durham, NC. It is quite the bandbox with these wonderfully dark old wooden floors and no air conditioning. Each dance has a 30 minute beginner's session. I thought I had everything figured out until we got to this move called the “hey for four.” I was lost after that! A good crowd was gathering as the band that night (Atlantic Crossing) is pretty popular. One thing I love about the dances is the live music. There are so many talented musicians.

I must admit to some trepidation at the start. I have seven left feet, zero dancing experience, and no musical background. I had never danced close with a man. I had never sweated en femme like I was going to that night. Oh, I was the only transgender person in the hall. No big deal, right? In a sense, I was making myself very vulnerable. Everyone seemed nice though, and I was reminded often that mistakes were expected and not a big deal. Plus it seemed fun.

I was even asked for the first dance as experienced dancers are encouraged to ask newcomers. What followed... well think about how Andy Griffith described football. It was that kind of experience... something completely new. Think of contra dance like a line dance with some square dance and folk dance elements thrown in. You and your partner dance with another couple (called your neighbors) for about thirty seconds and then move up or down the line to another couple and repeat. Each dance has a set structure which is walked through before the music starts and called out by an experienced caller.

In that first dance, the thing that caught my eye was all the twirling by the ladies. I'm thinking, I didn't do a single twirl in the beginner's lesson. I was also getting dizzy as there is ballroom style swing each go-around. Lesson number one: look at your partner! At the end of the dance, I thanked my partner and immediately found a chair. I'm sure I looked like a drunken sailor sitting down!

Contra dances usually consist of ten to a dozen dances over about three hours, and everyone is encouraged to seek out a different partner each dance. Women often dance with other women if the gender imbalance is too large. The dances grow progressively more complex so it's not a good idea to sit out too many in a row. I ended up dancing half the dances that night. There were a few guys that I felt were not comfortable with me. I'm sure I reflected that discomfort back which only worsened the situation. Over time, I've learned not to worry about it. I also figured I would have to be more proactive in seeking out dance partners. I had a good enough time to try again. I just hoped I could become good enough to not embarrass myself.

After a few dances in Durham and Carrboro (big hall with AC!), I started checking out dance groups closer to home. One of the scariest experiences was walking into Chantilly Hall in Charlotte not knowing a single soul. A big thank you to everyone who made me feel welcome. Each place you visit, you learn so much from the new dance moves and contra sets to the different people. Winston-Salem was a better experience as many of the Triangle dancers go there as well. The dance hall there (the Vintage Theatre) has a wall length mirror so I can admire myself ;) Over time, I have become more comfortable and confident dancing. I have started leading a few dances as well which increases the potential partner list greatly!

So I have to say I'm hooked. My analytical side says contra dancing meets so many needs: fitness, social, even a little spiritual. All I know is I enjoy it more than anything in recent memory, and I feel better everyday I do it. One week had me going to five dances! About those earlier fears... I'm down to two left feet. Dancing with men isn't so bad (most are quite nice!) although I very much enjoy dancing with the women. Sweating does rearrange the makeup a bit, but I've become used to it. Most callers are good about reminding you to drink plenty of water.

Another great thing is happening: I am making many new friends. A couple of ladies have gone so far as to giving me girly advice! One friend also gave me a short pep talk a few nights after a less than stellar outing where I had a difficult time finding partners. She said to give people time to get used to me, but the community supported me being out as Stephanie. Sure enough, I've had a full dance card ever since.

After the last dance Tuesday night in Winston-Salem, I was sharing a bit about my male work with another woman who I had danced with a few times. I even went so far as to tell my male name. She said, “You'll always be Stephanie to me.” That really made my day. Driving home, I thought that is all I have ever wanted: to be my true self and be a part of the world as my true self. Contra dancing has become a wonderful way to socialize and to test the waters a bit. Reenacting will always be there. My work with the transgender community will continue on as well as the needs are so great. There is something though about being part of another community that has people who will accept you for who you are. A few of them will even ask you to dance with them. What better way to spend an evening?

Transgender Living Experience and Library

2009-07-18T20:37:00.003-04:00

The Charlotte Gender Alliance cordially invites all to the Transgender Living Experience and Library at the LGBT Community Center the evening of Tuesday, July 21, 2009. As part of Pride Charlotte week, the Transgender Living Experience and Library will feature members from the local transgender community presenting topics related to their expertise and past experiences. Topics include transition issues, community outreach, religion, and history. Visitors will have the opportunity to browse at their leisure and “check out” each presentation with ample opportunity for questions. Special exhibits related to the transgender community will also be available for viewing and study.

Doors at the LGBT Community Center open at 6:30 pm the evening of Tuesday, July 21, 2009. The Transgender Living Experience and Library will open at 7 pm with a special introduction of the presenters, topics, and exhibits. Visitors are welcome to drop in and browse anytime afterwards until 9 pm. Light refreshments will be served. This is a free event, but donations to the center are gladly accepted!

The Charlotte Gender Alliance is a monthly discussion group welcoming any adult who identifies as transgender or transsexual. CGA’s motto is, “Diversity will not only be respected; it will be honored.” For more information on CGA, please visit http://www.charlottegenderalliance.info/

The LGBT Community Center is located at 820 Hamilton St., Ste. B-11, Charlotte, NC 28206 (in N.C. Music Factory area of Uptown Charlotte’s Fourth Ward). More information on activities at the LGBT Community Center can be found at http://www.gaycharlotte.com/

One Step Forward, A Half Step Back

2009-04-20T23:29:00.002-04:00

Evaluation is a good thing. Believe me, I have gotten much of it over the past several weeks, and most of it has been positive. Special kudos go to Christopher Graham on a positive post on his Whig Hill blog. It's one thing to read the very kind personal notes. It's another to write positively in a public blog. All the support is very much appreciated.

Self-evaluation is also important. Taking a good look at yourself and deciding on areas of improvement is the one constant of the human race. In my case, improvement must come in many ways. Number one is my overall feminine impression. Number two is my knowledge and period skills. Fortunately I have numerous opportunities to work on the above.

Another question that has been vexing to my transgender friends and me is the idea of kindred spirits in history. Surely, there were those throughout time that found ways to live as their true selves. History records much better the exploits of genetic women taking on traditionally male roles. That is accepted in a far greater manner than the reverse. However there must have been some brave lads who explored and even lived a female life. I have been looking for documentation of such during the Civil War. Thanks to a good friend, that quest has borne some fruit:

They Fought Like Demons by Deanne Blanton and Lauren M. Cook, page 147.
Marsena Patrick, provost marshal of the Army of the Potomac, was hoodwinked by a male soldier who wished to go home and therefore presented himself as a woman in disguise at City Point in January 1865. Patrick wrote in his diary, "I had to examine a woman, dressed in our Uniform. Charley (of Charlotte) Anderson, of Cleveland.... She has told me the truth, I think, about herself". There can be no doubt that general knowledge of women discovered while serving in Union regiments contributed to Patrick's decision to take this soldier's story at face value. Patrick read the newspapers, too, and probably listened to gossip that circulated around the army camps. He sent Charlotte Anderson home to Ohio.

Upon arrival in Cleveland, however, Anderson's ruse was finally revealed after an accusation that she was actually a he led to a physical examination. Anderson admitted that he had enlisted in the 38th Pennsylvania Infantry in July 1863 and left it a year later by dressing in woman's clothes and "representing [himself] to Major Wells as a woman". He later enlisted in the 60th Ohio Infantry and left the regiment by the same means. When cornered in Cleveland, he claimed, " I adopted the course I have pursued to get home and was intending to go back to my regiment", adding, " I told him I was a girl; he told me to go home". Charlie Anderson had a famine appearance. He took advantage of that, and of the common knowledge that women were among the men in the ranks, in order to take leave from active duty whenever he wished.

Citations:
The Diary of General Marsena R. Patrick, Provost Marshal of The Army of the Potomac pg. 18 & 22, Jan. 1865-unpublished transcription, City Point National Historical Site, Petersburg National Battlefield Park, NPS.

A Male Woman, Chicago Evening Journal, Feb. 16, 1865.

Thank you to my friend and confidant, "A Union Reenactor," for the above research.

I truly do get emotional thinking about my TG brothers and sisters who have gone before us. I can go to a historical site, and the worst I get is a few stares and one questioning person. Those ladies fought to be themselves despite severe persecution and ostracizing from society. Much like the TG community today, they knew this was the only way they could be true to themselves. The above gives me hope that many more told and documented their stories.

As Christopher Graham suggested in his blog, I do have the option of portraying a transgender woman. It would be a much different impression. Yet much like today, it might prove more inspirational and educational to do that role. Those who knowingly meet a transgender person today take away a different perspective versus meeting someone who "passes" well. It is something I will strongly consider.

In the meantime, it is time to read and plan. I do love researching history and finding my role in making it come alive in the present and future.

Ripples

2009-03-30T23:12:00.002-04:00

During the past week as I became aware of some of the tension caused by my Bentonville visit, my recurring thought was, “All this fuss over lil ol’ me?” Really I don’t think I’m that big of a deal, but I do understand my presence and my feminine impression was disturbing to many. My goal is to be as accurate as possible in my impression. It will take some time to make all the parts and pieces fit right, and I do have more obstacles than most attempting that impression. As I stated at the end of my last post, I do feel there is a place for me in the reenacting world.

As my northern supporter stated very well, one of the problems facing living history groups is that of accessibility. The entrance cost is quite high especially for women with the many layers of clothing required to come close to the period correct look. I myself had to buy a corset (which arrived this weekend from Abraham’s Lady… thank you!), a bonnet from Timely Tresses, some passable boots, and the pantalets. For someone still quite underemployed, that is quite a haul. I have no idea how I’ll do a second dress or bonnet. I have to make do with what I have. I’m not complaining as I feel lucky to put one outfit together.

The Bentonville trip reminded me of my first few months en femme. I had a makeover done for my first outing with Kappa Beta, but my second time was a minor disaster with the makeup and hair. I’m sure I looked like an extra from the Thriller video. I’ll never forget though that no one screamed or fainted. A few asked if I was ok. As I was leaving, Sherri Carmichael simply said, “Let me give you a few makeup tips before the next meeting.” She did, and I still use many of her techniques today. About six months later, I could look in the mirror and see a somewhat attractive woman looking back.

The point of the above tale is to illustrate that Sherri, instead of berating me for a clearly shoddy makeup job, chose to help me. Over the years, I have come to understand better why she did that beyond just being a nice person. She gave back because someone helped her out when she was starting out. I feel compelled to do the same for the new girls. Even more than that though, I want them to feel the joy, fulfillment, and sense of discovery that I have enjoyed over the years. I don’t want to keep this to myself. If another person is meant to be out as a transgender woman, I don’t want to create barriers. Being TG is hard enough without me being elitist towards another girl coming out. I would prefer to help them overcome the numerous obstacles.

A quick word about my transgender life... I did not choose to be this way. However once I discovered through prayer and spiritual life that my Creator endowed me with this gender gift, I have chosen to embrace and celebrate that gift. My life is much fuller and richer as Stephanie. I would be cheating myself and the world if I chose to deny my feminine being. As my friend Pamela Jones says so well, “This is not something you do. It’s who you are.”

My last post has generated by far the most comments of any post on this blog to date. The one telling point from those critical of my presence at Bentonville is they feel I have no right to be at reenacting events. I actually appreciate Ms. Sands’ comment as it contains some helpful advice. I can work with that. Jan approached me at Bentonville in a beautiful way to guide this new girl. She thinks I can do it. My challenge to those who think I don’t belong is how much you enjoy and get out of living history. Why do you do it? Do you want others with a genuine interest in reenacting to experience the same? Do you want to help grow the hobby?

Believe me when I say my interest is genuine, and my commitment is real. Could I have waited until I passed a little better or had a better kit? Possibly, but I have waited long enough, and I am not about to make any more excuses for why I can’t do this. This is not a lark or a fleeting fancy. I am committed to seeing this through. I would ask those who see me at future events and are not sure about me to give me ten minutes of their time. Those who take the time to chat and know me (and me you) as a person generally like me. They may not agree with my lifestyle, and I have no problem with that. However, sharing our stories has a way of breaking down barriers and fear. I usually find common ground in the reason we’re there in the first place: history! What a crazy concept!

One final word about CONS. I am deeply saddened about what has happened. I have finally come to peace about not being responsible for the breakup of CONS. Any group that really is dedicated to each other and its community will find a way to work through problems and stay together. Conversely, any group that wants to split will usually find an excuse to do so. I was that excuse, but not the cause. I can live with that. I would hope that the various fragments find ways to continue furthering living history. The main cause is too important to get lost over minor quibbles.

So my journey continues. Life is nothing if not interesting. It is my sincere prayer that the ripples that we all leave guide us down the proper and correct path and affects us all in a positive and constructive way.

A Step Forward Into the Past

2009-03-22T14:08:00.004-04:00

Update (March 29, 2009): I generally do not accept overly negative or anonymous comments. However I thought some of my readers may find the opposing viewpoint interesting. I will have a response of sorts to post soon. Oh, the name is Stephanie Marie :)

Yesterday (March 21), I attended my first reenactment in female costume at the Battle of Bentonville. It was an experience to say the least. I knew it would be an education stepping out as a transgender woman into a mainstream and somewhat conservative environment. I was shown much kindness particularly by my fellow reenactors. Many of the site visitors weren’t quite sure how to approach me. However the staff was completely supportive of me and helped in so many ways. Much like my first Ghost Walk at Latta Plantation, I will learn from where I am lacking.

I spent Friday night at a hotel in Smithfield, NC. Still needing some passable boots for a Civil War era civilian woman, I ventured to the outdoor outlet mall. Most of my outings over the years have been in urban areas. Ninety percent have probably been in Charlotte, Greensboro, or Atlanta. I had some concern about how I would be perceived in a smaller town in a conservative region. A few years ago, that concern might have prevented me from venturing out en femme. Now it’s just an afterthought. I visited six shoe stores in the mall and finally found a pair of perfect black plain square toe boots at Easy Spirit. I finished with a trip to CVS for some lipstick and other supplies. Every place I went, I was treated with courtesy.

One issue getting ready for my trip the next day was one of luggage and clothing logistics. How much of my costume could I get away with wearing without creating a driving hazard? What could I pack reasonably into one suitcase that I could drag to the changing room at the battlefield site? I ended up wearing my pantalets underneath my long green broomstick skirt (which doubled as my petticoats), a waist cincher (still waiting on the corset), the new black boots, and a white cotton chemise under my long sleeve green sweater. I stuffed my hoop skirt, dress, and bonnet into the suitcase. Whewww!

Arriving at the Bentonville site, I looked up my reenactment group, Citizens of the Old North State (CONS) and found several working in the kitchen. My email contact had told them I was coming, but I don’t think she explained I was transgender. I’m sure I caught them by surprise that yes, I am doing a feminine impression. I met Lora, CONS’ contact with Bentonville, and Hilda initially. Lora set me up with the changing room.

Putting on the dress is always an emotional experience. I’ve written before how wearing the formal dresses reminds me of a time when living the feminine life was just a far off fantasy. Putting on the Civil War era dress brings similar feelings, but it goes even deeper. The costume does take a bit more time and effort to put on. Once you are done and you see yourself in a style of dress that hasn’t been worn in over 140 years, it really puts you in a different mindset. There simply is no modern equivalent. One day I will write more about the feeling of wearing the full Civil War era women’s dress. I think every woman should do it at least once.

The first couple hours were spent chatting with Lora while she served breakfast and cleaned up. I helped where I could, but Lora has the period cooking down to a science. I must admit to a bit of nervousness knowing I had surprised the group with being transgender. My voice is a work in progress while my feminine period look still needs to be developed. As much as I don’t want my transgender life to be a central issue, it does take some adjustment. Add to that being the new person in the group searching for a role, and the initial awkwardness was amplified somewhat.

I do believe God sends His angels when you need them, and sometimes they take the form of humans. My angel was a lady by the name of Jan. She struck up a conversation with me after noticing me struggling a little bit with my hoop skirt. Jan complimented me on my dress and offered me a few pointers on walking and some other period correct accessories. This is the type of conversation I enjoy so much. Jan and I spoke for awhile as I wanted to pick her brain for more reenactment tips. It brought me out of my shell as I realized this is why I like reenacting. It’s the people, the stories, the shared experiences, the knowledge, and they all love giving freely of themselves with fellow reenactors and the public.

The rest of the day ended up being quite fun as I walked around the grounds chatting with many of the display artists and site volunteers. One lady, Jennifer, had a wonderful display of care packages sent to soldiers. Another pair of ladies dressed in all black showed off mourning photos, jewelry, and other related items. If a period photograph could tell a thousand words, it goes to show how much we have in common with our ancestors.

I also have to commend Lora and her son Wesley as they did a fantastic job on a television news interview with the local NBC affiliate. As much as I preach education for us in the TG community, reenacting faces obstacles as well. Many people see it merely as dressing up and playing with old guns. Lora said so very well that it is one thing to read history from a textbook. It’s another thing to step into their shoes and hoop skirts and attempt to live their lives. I couldn’t agree more!

One incident almost put a damper on the day. After chatting with a couple of the site volunteers inside the Harper House (which was used as a hospital during the war), I was approached by a man (probably in his 30’s) outside who asked if he should call me sir or ma’am. I replied ma’am initially thinking he was joking. He then asked if I realized there were children around and if I was being a good example to them. I tried to give a 15 second synopsis of my TG life (impossible!). He repeated his question to which I responded, “If I am the worse thing they see, then they will have lived a good life.” He thought that was a good answer, wished me a good day, and left.

I have mixed feeling about the above encounter. While I would like to “educate” as many as possible, I realize it is not always possible. My very existence and life is very different than the norm particularly in this community. I literally may be the first TG person many in the crowd have ever seen. I am also concerned that a snappy comeback is not always the best solution even though it worked here. I like to approach such encounters with humor and fun. If I can come across as a genuine person, then I’ve won. I was upset for about ten minutes. Lora thought I handled the situation well. One of the site volunteers also checked up on me which I very much appreciated. It had been too good of a day to be upset over one incident.

So all in all, it was a good day as I spent eight hours in the past (about 9am to 5pm). The weather was beautiful (a bit windy), and the large crowd attending the reenactment seemed to enjoy the festivities. I learned quite a bit. Even with a few missteps and much to grow in on many levels, I now have the reenacting bug. This is not a lark or a fleeting fancy. I feel I belong and have much to contribute. Living history for me is the perfect convergence of my feminine and social being. It’s hard to put into words, but it just feels right. I want to grow and express myself in a way that shows both the transgender and reenacting community in a good light. My education continues, and it will never end. That is the way it should be.

ENDA is Needed... Yesterday

2009-02-13T23:50:00.002-05:00

Those who live in the Charlotte area have probably seen the story of Anne Marie Clukey, a transgender women fired from her job as a maintenance worker with the City of Charlotte. Here are some of the links to the local media:

Charlotte Observer

WCNC News 36

Several things disturb me about this story, but the saddest part is that this is not news for many in the TG community. Everyday, even closeted crossdressers face the fear of being outed for something they may only do once a month. In this case, a transsexual woman living in stealth simply living her life had her past come back to haunt her. She was a valued employee until her manager found out she had once been a man. In the manager's eyes, that made Ms. Clukey no longer worthy of basic respect. She was passed over for promotions and eventually fired.

Reading between the lines, it seems that her co-workers had accepted her long ago, and her being TS wasn't really a issue. It was only the manager who didn't know who had the problem. Anyone who has worked for someone for any length of time knows that a boss can make or break a job. In short, a good manager communicates well the needs of the company or group and treats the workers with respect and integrity even in less than pleasant situations. A poor manager can make everyday at the workplace a living hell. The one constant I've seen is that if a well respected manager backs a person, then everyone usually falls in line. If a manager shows doubt about an employee, that attitude will also resonate through the workforce. It seems that Ms. Clukey's manager (a woman by the way) arbitrarily decided to no longer support her despite a strong work record.

Another troubling aspect is the comments made by the city attorney, Mac McCarley. Again reading between the lines some, he seems to be rubbing it in the face of every TG person by saying, "Transgender individuals are not protected under the federal employment discrimination laws." While understandably trying to set the tone for the case, there was still no cause for this statement to be made. Unfortunately, thanks to the lack of ENDA at the federal level, Mr. McCarley's statement is correct.

I wrote some of the following thought's to Donna Rose, and she kindly posted them in her blog. She has had much to say on HRC and their recent Workplace Report. It is rather ironic timing with the HRC Carolina's Gala in Charlotte on Feb. 21. Earlier in the day, some of our local HRC friends (and I do mean that seriously as they are supportive of the local TG community) touted the HRC Workplace Report as evidence of HRC's lobbying efforts. As Donna stated so very well, many here also feel that HRC has no place to take credit for these advances.

It is this disconnect that I feel with HRC as the people at the local level are tireless grassroot workers who truly do support all letters in the LGBT community. However we know all money raised goes to the national organization. I would even argue that HRC did not read its membership very well when supporting a non-trans ENDA. Almost every conversation I have with my friends in the gay community says they are supportive of our rights. I suppose it is consistent with issues of all kind when discussing politics with the inside the beltway crowd versus the realities in the rest of the nation.

I am not a lawyer, but there still may be some grounds for Ms. Clukey's lawsuit to be successful. Certainly the recent victory of Diane Schroer versus the Library of Congress gives us all hope. There may also be grounds to argue the manager created a hostile workplace. I hope the ACLU and HRC can lend their support here. It would make a world of difference.

Computer Games Revisited

2009-01-19T18:29:00.005-05:00

While getting ready for the snowstorm of the century set to hit the Tar Heel state, I realized I had not updated my gaming list in a year. I wrote an unusual post about computer games that fit my feminine personality well. Note that many of my selections do not necessarily have female characters. I love Tomb Raider as much as the next person, but I do not think most buy it to admire Lara Croft's sparkling personality. I like my games to be a little deeper, a little more involved, and if it involves a pretty girl, so be it.

So here's my recent list. Note that not all of these have been released in the past year. I have at least one game on my hard drive I play regularly that is twenty years old. If a game has staying power with me, then I will keep it.

rFactor (2005, Image Space Incorporated) is not only one of the best PC racing games of all time. It might be the best direct download ever too. A road course racer at heart, rFactor was designed from the ground up with a mod friendly framework that has allowed the original game to grow well beyond the original few cars and tracks. Several dozen professional quality cars mods ranging from the open wheel rockets of the F1 world to the sports cars of the GT circuit have graced this excellent racing game. Add to that several mostly road course tracks from around the world. rFactor is decent as a single player game, but it really shines online with a few good buddies. A racing wheel is a must to get the full experience out of rFactor.

My favorite tracks:

1) Spa Francorchamps in Belgium is a lumberjack's dream in the woods, but be sure to keep to keep your eyes on one of the most difficult stretches in all of road course racing near the start/finish line: the La Source hairpin followed by the Eau Rouge curves.

2) Lime Rock Park in Connecticut is a deceptively easy looking track that clocks in at only 1.53 miles. However, the new driver will not find it so easy after running the tight curves and blind spots into the grass and hay bales.

3) The Catalunya track near Barcelona, Spain has long been a popular testing site with F1 teams with its wide variety of corners and elevation changes. It also features the longest straight in all of F1 racing. Be sure to snag the pre-2007 version of the track as the two final sweepers were changed and not for the better.

4) The Daytona Road Course is mostly on the same track as the famous NASCAR race. However, several series use an infield course along with the oval which provides a stern test for driver and mechanics alike. Look for the 24 hour Rolex Series series around the corner to get a good look at this track.

5) The Monza track in Italy is all about speed. Several chicanes have been added over the years to slow down the racing, but the fans (mostly from Ferrari) still turn out in great numbers to watch F1 and moterbike series. As an added treat, you might be able to find a version which allows racing on the now abandoned oval section made popular in Grand Prix.

Visit rFactor Central to find all of the above mods and tracks. With the death of NASCAR racing games on the PC (thank you, EA Sports!), rFactor has become the de facto standard bearer for PC racing. Other sim racing games worth checking out include Live for Speed, GTR 2, GTR Evolution, and the subscription based iRacing.

Fallout 3 (2008, Bethesda Game Studios) is technically a continuation of the Fallout series made popular by Interplay in the late 1990's. Really though, it is a brand new start with Bethesda putting its stamp on this role playing game in a fully realized 3D graphics world. Playable on the XBox 360, Playstation 3, and the PC, Fallout 3 takes place in a post apocalyptic Washington, DC 200 years after the bombs fell in a fictional future.

The strength of Fallout 3 lies in the atmosphere of the gaming world. One would think walking around in a dead world would be mostly depressing. Certainly seeing the famous D.C. landmarks in various stages of ruin is quite profound. Add to that the desperation of the survivors trying to cobble together what they can for living. You as the main character are thrust into this world after your father escapes from the only world you've ever known: the vault. The vaults are underground living areas built prior to the war. Your character was born there and thought she would die there until that fateful day. Your job: find him. Oh by the way, your friends in the vault are not exactly pleased to see you go.

While not necessary to play the first two games, it is still not a bad idea to do some back reading at the Fallout 3 Wiki site. Just be careful to avoid spoilers. The Fallout world has a fairly deep back story comparable to Star Wars. The immersion is fairly impressive and even includes radio stations with the self appointed president John Henry Adams and DJ Three Dog of the Galaxy News Network. The only weak point may be the story itself which has a fairly rushed ending. Fortunately you can pursue the main quest at your own pace.

Oh, I mentioned one game I've had for twenty years. That would be the true spiritual father to the Fallout series: Wasteland. It's a DOS based game that may take some work to run on Windows (hint: use DosBox). Even with the now dated graphics, it is worth a place on your gaming rotation.

Other open ended PC RPG games of note are all the Elder Scroll series games including Oblivion (also from Bethesda), Mount & Blade, and the Gothic series.

Civilization IV Beyond the Sword (2004, 2007, 2K Games) is also a continuation of a series that I mentioned a year ago. Beyond the Sword is the second expansion pack and an absolutely necessity to fully enjoy the CivIV experience. The Civilization series has always had the player starting with a small band of settlers in the year 4,000 BC, building their first city, and growing through the ages into the dominate empire. This can be done on a military, cultural, technological, and economic level. The ways to win (and lose) are almost limitless.

CivIV is sometimes referred to as a genre called "4X" which stands for explore, expand, exploit, and exterminate. Essentially these are the four stages for these type of turn based strategy games which start you off with your own tribe, city, or planet. The player will begin by exploring the surrounding gaming world and then expanding into it. Eventually, the human player encounters computer controlled players which must be eventually exploited and exterminated. Pretty simple, wouldn't you say?

CivIV may seem daunting at first. The number of options just to begin a game may seem mind boggling. It might help to begin on a world like we have where you know where the other players will begin. Then move on to a randomly generated world. Leonard Nimoy helps you along the way as you discover new technologies. The tutorial system is also pretty good, and the computer players will take it easy on you... at first!

For those who prefer space faring civilizations and conquests, check out Masters of Orion II or the more recent Galactic Civilizations II.

College Hoops 2K8(2007, 2K Sports) may be the last college basketball game from 2k Sports for some time as the NCAA license was not renewed for the current season. This leaves the EA Sports improving but still inferior game as the only officially updated college basketball game. Available on console only, College Hoops 2k8 can still be had for under $20 in many gaming store bargain bins.

The good news is that 2K Sports incorporated a wonderful new feature which allows users to upload files including updated rosters. So even though no new game is forthcoming, you can still play a reasonable facsimile of this season complete with all the school and names. Also included are many all time great teams from years gone by. Ever wanted to match Michael Jordan's UNC teams against UCLA with Lew Alcindor? Now you can. Of course, you'll have to decide on things like shot clock, dunking, three point line, etc. That's half the fun comparing eras.

None of the above would mean much if the on-court gameplay didn't stand up well. Fortunately the game is a joy to play with numerous options to set your offense, defense, and line-ups. My only complaint is court spacing is not always represented well. The controls can be daunting at first but are worth learning. A legacy mode even allows you to continue your program into future seasons with recruiting, early graduations, job offers, and yes even job termination all part of the game.

Combined with NBA 2k8 for the pro game, College Hoops 2K8 is in my mind the best basketball game on consoles or PC period. This got me to thinking. What are the best for other sports? Here's my list:

Basketball: College Hoops 2K8 and NBA 2K8 - explained above

Football: ESPN NFL 2K5 (Xbox) and NCAA Football 07 (Xbox) - One of the real shames in sports gaming is the exclusive licensing which eliminated some good competing products. EA Sports has the lion's share of the exclusives with the NFL leading the way. Most gamers know the Madden series simply has not improved its product which leaves the ESPN NFL 2K5 as the best onfield game. Oddly enough, EA Sports finished well with the NCAA series on the XBox (not the 360) with the 2007 edition leading the way.

Baseball: MLB Series (Playstation 2 and 3) - This series is literally the only reason I keep a PS2 hooked up and is a great example of solid improvement every year. Honorable mention should be given to EA Sports for MVP 2005 and MVP NCAA Baseball 06.

Hockey: ESPN NHL 2K5 (XBox) - Note that the NHL does not have an exclusive deal which has lead to strong competition between the 2K and the EA Sports series. I understand the 09 game from EA Sports is particularly strong this year.

Soccer: Winning Eleven 9 (XBox) - The Konami series peaked with this edition a couple of years ago. Even without many of the international license deals, Winning Eleven for many years represented soccer in a nearly perfect manner. The FIFA 09 game from EA Sports has also been getting strong reviews.

Other: Links 2004 (Xbox), Tiger Woods 2006 (PC), Rugby (XBox), Top Spin (XBox)

So while the weather is cold, be sure to enjoy some of the above games. Many can be had without breaking the bank. Meanwhile, I'll keep working on the prom queen southern belle video game release. I'm sure it will be a big hit!

Security Blankets

2009-01-16T23:07:00.002-05:00

The above title may seem appropriate for most of the nation as winter has truly arrived. Here in the not so deep south, the thermometer will plunge below 10 degrees. Talk about brrrrrrrr! Fortunately no snow or ice, but that is the coldest in aboout four years for the Charlotte, NC area. I have a good online reenacting friend from Wisconsin who is laughing at us silly southerners quite hard right now. At least, we'll make it back above freezing this weekend. I have jokes with many friends that I like to watch Lawrence of Arabia the coldest night of the year. Makes me feel a lot warmer! Well I did just that tonight. I'm sure I'll finish tomorrow night.

With all the extra time at home due to unemployment, I've spent a bit of it rearranging my apartment in addition to sending out resumes and making phone calls. For many years, I had a bad habit of setting gifts aside and not looking at them for maybe as much as a couple of years. We've all gotten the odd article of clothing that didn't quite fit the wardrobe. Me, I've collected blankets over the years. I just never knew what to do with them. About a couple years ago, I finally put them all to good use. The older faded ones, I used in my storage building. I arranged the newer ones around couches, chairs, recliners, and yes, even beds. They were finally being used.

One of my favorite blankets is a custom made quilt made by my grandmother before she passed away. She asked me one year for some items or logoes from my alma mater, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. She even told me her project, and she started working on it as only a grandmother can do. She presented the quilt to me for Christmas 2003 (even going so for as to quilt in the date of completion on it). It was a beautiful blue and white checkerboard pattern complete with the UNC logo including the rams head in the middle. It was a work of art. I hugged her, thanked her, and then proceeded not to use it for two years.

I made all kinds of excuses. The cats will get it dirty. It doesn't match my bed. It's too pretty to sleep in. You know what though? It looked great as the top spread on my bed, and it was plenty warm. The cats enjoyed sleeping on it and seemed to treat it with more respect than the rest of my furniture. I felt silly not having put this loving gift to good use. It needed to be used.

In my most recent rearranging, I moved the quilt to the main room as a partial cover for my couch. I think it is a wonderful place of honor to show off as the couch belonged to my grandparents. Being under the weather earlier this week sleeping on their couch covered by her blanket, I was reminded of their love, care, and sacrifice for my parents and myself. Even at a low moment of sickness, it brought a moment of joy to me.

It also made me think a bit deeper about the gifts I have been given both by man and God. The reason I have those gifts is to use them in some way because the givers thought I could. It's up to me to use them wisely. I learn everyday about my gifts, whether they be tangible, spiritual, or emotional. I only hope I am worthy of them, and someday I will give back as I have been given to. Oh, but tonight, I will keep those blankets!

A Question of Justice

2009-01-06T20:56:00.004-05:00

I hope everyone is enjoying a happy and safe start to their new year. I am among many who were glad to say good bye to 2008. Despite the lack of posts, I have been fairly busy including unfortunately joining the ranks of the unemployed. If anyone needs a good video producer,I'm your woman, or man, or whatever! Yes, I get confused too.

I've had the honor of meeting Elke Kennedy of Sean's Last Wish and getting to know her a little bit over the past year. Her story of resilience in the face of unspeakable tragedy is an inspiration to all who hear her story. I have written about the murder of Sean Kennedy and the unjustly short sentence given to his murderer, Stephen Moller. I put to you the following request from Elke:

Sean Kennedy's family will never see justice done for Sean. Because of the inadequacy of South Carolina murder laws and the lack of hate crime statutes, his killer, Stephen Andrew Moller, could be out of prison as early as February. We must protest this injustice and ask the parole board to make Moller serve the remainder of his sentence.

Moller was plea bargained down to involuntary manslaughter and received a suspended 5 year sentence for his crime. Because of the credit he received for time he served before his sentencing, the longest possible time he will have to serve in prison is until September 2009. Despite the violence of his crime, he could be eligible for parole by this coming February, meaning that he will have served only 8 months since his sentencing in prison.

The parole board is currently conducting an investigation to decide whether to allow him to have a parole hearing, so it is critical that they hear from you that Stephen Andrew Moller violently murdered Sean Kennedy and should serve the remainder of his sentence!

Please consider writing a letter to the parole board and ask them to deny Stephen Moller parole and serve out his sentence. In your letter, please remind the board of the violent and unprovoked nature of Moller's offense and the pain and suffering it has caused in the lives of Sean Kennedy's family and friends. If you have the time, please write a personal letter by hand or by computer, as those will be the most effective, and if you knew Sean or his family personally, please include that information.

Also, please let Elke know if you send a letter and if possible, send her a copy of the letter, so she can have copies to take with her to the parole hearing.

Be sure to include Moller's full name and ID number:
Stephen Andrew Moller - SCDC ID # 00328891.

Send your letters to:
Department of Probation Pardon and Parole Services
2221 Devine Street, Suite 600, PO Box 50666
Columbia SC 29250
Please forward to your contacts, friends and family.
Thank you for all of your support!

I know I'll be writing a letter, and I hope the parole board will see many others as well. Seeing Stephen Moller serve out his term is not about revenge or vengeance. It is about justice. We can only hope that it is served this one time.

2008 Transgender Day of Remembrance

2008-11-16T21:00:00.001-05:00

My Schedule

2008-11-12T15:14:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone has been enjoying the cool fall weather and the colorful leaves. This is one of the times I really enjoy apartment living watching everyone rake up their leaves. I love the explosion of color, but I detest cleaning up the fallen leaves. I must admit most everyone in my town has done a beautimous job in keeping their yards clean.

A good friend recently asked me about my reencting schedule and other appearances. My goal for 2009 is to have a full slate of Pride shows and other activities on the slate. I enjoyed so much the Pride Charlotte and Southern Comfort presentations that I'd like to expand as much as time allows. A lot of this will be dependent on my work schedule and my application to a local reenacting group. Once I start confirming events, I will put up a schedule someplace on this blog

My ideal situation is a combination of mainstream and GLBT events. I feel a desire to work in both arenas. The mainstream events give me an opportunity to grow in that world and develop new friendships. It also shows the world a positive transgender role model. On the flip side, I hope to encourage those in my community to follow their dreams by being at the GLBT events. I have mentioned before that so many keep doors closed because no one else is doing something. My philosophy is to calmly and gently blow those doors wide open! Well I do have to remain the genteel southern belle :)

One date I would like to mention is Thursday, November 20th. We will be having the 2008 Charlotte Transgender Day of Remembrance at the GLBT Community Center in Charlotte. Doors will open at 7pm with the memorial beginning at 7:30pm. I will post more details soon.

I will also be at the first Transgender Policy Summit this Sunday in Durham put on by Equality North Carolina. I look forward to learning the latest on the federal and state initiatives particularly with the recent elections. There's much ground to cover, but we are making headway.

SCC 2008

2008-10-07T11:54:00.004-04:00

A big thank you to everyone who attended my seminar, TG Adventures in History, at the Southern Comfort Convention this year! That was my first presentation at SCC, and I was pleased with the good turnout (about a dozen) for a 9am start. I know history may not be the most exciting subject at that hour, but it was a true pleasure to be surrounded by people who enjoy studying all aspects of our past. The best thing was all the ideas for reading material and transgender related topics. It meant so much for the attendees to share their experiences with me. I was particularly moved by the lady who says that this is my "reality" versus being a "dream." Those who read my blog know that is a big deal for me. That is a big part of the magic of SCC... hearing everyone's stories. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Once again, I volunteered with the tech crew at SCC. Due to my work schedule, I missed all of the fun setup work ;) I heard it went fairly well with the great sound crew from Be-All arriving early Wednesday morning. It also helped that we were more familiar with the Crowne Plaza Ravinia being the second year there. Someone on our crew made a great point Thursday that our volunteer work saves SCC a fair amount of money which can instead be used for scholarships. With so many newcomers this year to the conference, it is so gratifying to put a value on what we do. Saturday night was especially fun as I ran a handheld camera in front of the stage during the band's (TMI) performance. I love that kind of creative work although I've never done it wearing an LBD! Hey, I can still be stylish while lugging around the camera.

That reminds me also of the fantastic Thursday night at Maggiano's with the Vanity Club gals. Everyone knows I love dressing up, but I also enjoy seeing all the lovely ladies in our club show their stuff. It really is a varied group of intelligence, beauty, and style. I'm honored to be a part of them. So many asked about my reenacting. Thanks to Andrea for organizing the dinner. The food was great, and the company was even better.

So for those of you who keep track of such things, I wore 5 dressy/formal dresses: Thursday night: the pink strapless a-line dress at Maggiano's; Friday night dinner: the floral green dress; Saturday morning: the green Civil War dress; Saturday night dinner: the blue Loralie southern belle prom dress and the little black David Bridal's dress. Whew! I know my roommate Maddy thought I was a bit nuts with all those dresses. I still need to wear that debutante dress somewhere... hmmmmm. Work on that one.

The Sunday morning at the conclusion of SCC is the first planning meeting for next year. Everyone goes around and gives a quick thought. There are so many good ideas and tweaks. It's hard to do them all, but I know the planning committee appreciates all of the suggestions. Anyone presenting new ideas is generally encouraged to get the ball rolling on it. The biggest challenge is finding entertainment that most can enjoy. Some of the acts (particularly the stand-up comedians) fell a bit flat. The couple who played Friday night (Coyote Grace) were fantastic. I also enjoyed TMI Saturday night, but hard rock isn't for everyone. Donna Rose and Mara Keisling both spoke at Saturday lunch and were inspiring as always. I hope both speeches can be streamed online.

I will leave you with a thought that a few made Sunday morning: SCC saves lives. A bit of a stretch, you say? Just look at all the first timers at SCC (some of whom are going into public en femme for the first time). They have finally found the start line for their gender journey. Sometimes just starting the trip is the biggest triumph of all. I'm sure many never thought they would get to this point. Some may have even given up. Now they know there is a family ready to embrace and help them along the way. That knowledge can lift one's soul and spirit to never before imagined heights. Yes, SCC saves lives. And even more importantly, we can all carry that back to our homes and give that gift to more. Each of us can save a life by helping a person find their true self. Labels don't matter here. Living is what counts! Help all of us live to the fullest.

Am I TG Enough?

2008-08-30T21:21:00.002-04:00

Something that the religious world is quite familiar with is the idea that one must be a committed to a certain philosophy in order to be right with God. These are sometimes called "chosen sects." Anyone who has not understood or applied a particular principle is not consider "saved" according to these sects' belief system. Even if this person has been devout and committed all their life, none of this matters to the "chosen one" if he/she has not accepted a way of thinking partiular to the group.

One example I will give was my time with the International Church of Christ (sometimes called the Boston Movement in the 80's) in my college years at UNC-Chapel Hill. Like many so called fundamentalist groups, they believed they had the key to salvation due to a literal interpretation of the Bible. In Bible studies with potential recruits, church members were trained to dismiss any past Christian experience of the recruit. If one area of non conformance with church doctrine was discovered, that point was hammered to the point of making the person believe he/she was not saved. The church could then push re-baptism (thus nullifying any past salvation experience). Really it was a baptism into the church making the new member compliant to the new teachings.

The fallacy with the above is that at no time do we ever fully understand the level of any commitment even to God. Our growth has been called by some a spiraling path upward. We learn over our lifetimes, but the initial decision never changes. We may recommit ourselves, but that is not the same thing as accepting salvation. Over time, the new member of the ICOC learned that the leaders' commands and teachings were considered gospel as well. To disobey the leaders is to disobey God. Essentially, the leaders were the gatekeepers to God and salvation. They created hoops that were never intended by God. Much has been written how this tactic is commonly used by cults to keep members in line. Needless to say, it has lead to many wrecked lives over the years.

I wonder if at times we have similar gatekeepers in the TG community. They can take many forms from leaders in the community to therapists. We also divide ourselves so much with all the labels... TS, CD, TV, drag queens. We even have gender variant groups who refuse to associate themselves with anything TG. Each group has its own spokespeople who create rules (some seemingly in an arbitary manner) deciding who is in and out.

This can be especially frustrating for newcomers to the community trying to find their place. They walk into a community with the same politics as the real world. I know I was shocked at much of the infighting. I agree we should educate ourselves and others of the issues facing our community (especially workplace and health). That is part of the plan to achieve greater acceptance in this world. However, I had hoped that with all the grief we take from the mainstream, the TG community could pull together in a better way.

Fortunately, this is not true everywhere. I understand that my path is different from everyone else's. What works for me may not work for someone else. We all must choose the path that we believe is intended for us. Support groups play a vital role along those paths. The kind word of encouragement or even a small helpful suggestion may be the turning point for a fellow lost soul. Conversely, a unnecessarily harsh comment could easily drive one of our sisters or brothers back into the closet. We may never know the results of our actions. Do know they have an impact, both positive and negative. Just knowing you are not alone in your journey may be the thing that keeps us going.

One of my favorite Bible passages is in Romans 14, verse 5 (NIV):

One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind.

This tells me that it is possible for both parties to be right. In our competitive society, we have been taught that there must be a winner in every situation. When it comes to determining my path, I will win by doing what is right for me. I cannot make that decision for anyone else (nor would I want to). Some will say they can. I doubt it. We can best help each other by removing the obstacles to self realization. Eliminate the pettiness. Be kind to each other. No matter what label you think you can put on another person, they are first and foremost a human being the same as you. Never forget that, and maybe we can move towards making this world truly better for all.

Summer Doldrums

2008-08-19T20:05:00.002-04:00

In the old days of Kappa Beta, summer was a very quiet time. Since many crossdressers did not want to shave their legs and arms for fear of being outed, they simply went into hiding until they could start wearing outfits that covered more. Some had summer family obligations and did not want to embarass others by showing unshaved skin. I always feel for many of my married sisters who have to compromise in this way. As Dr. Phil says, negotiate everything.

We even had a prom of sorts in May called the Magnolia Ball. It was like a going way party. See you in September. You know I loved it being the prom queen. It went away after 2001 as it became too cumbersome to organize. If you're interested, here are the dresses I wore each year:

1998

1999

2000 & 2001

Part of me misses those days. However, if this blog is any indication, I hope it's obvious I am not going back. I still like the pink dress though!

This summer has been quite productive particularly with 2008 Pride Charlotte. The CGA booth was quite successful and gives us hope to take it to other festivals. Transgender Adventures in History was also a huge thrill. Telling my story makes me feel like I am telling the whole community's story. It truly is an honor. Here are a couple of pictures:

The thing about summer is that it must give way to fall. The season of fun turns more serious as the kids return to school, and the vacations end for the adults. It seems there is that period when my thoughts turn to the latter half of the year even with the thermometer in the 90's. I call it the summer doldrums because my mind and heart are ready for the fall activities... things like Southern Comfort Conference, Civil War reenactments, the fall fashions, high school football, and even the U.S. Presidential elections. Summer fun still beckons though. I even wore a short skirt for the first time in ages at Pride, and yet I look forward to wearing that green Civil War dress when the leaves start to fall. So fall is not all gloom and seriousness. It's just the work must continue, and so must the fun in its own way.

A couple other notes:

Congratulations to the Durham Gender Alliance on a successful first meeting. Victoria and Susan are wonderful representatives for the community.

I have also set up a Flickr page. Feel free to add me as a contact :) Now I'm being told I have to do Facebook! These social pages will be the death of me yet...

Pride Charlotte 2008

2008-07-20T19:46:00.003-04:00

Just a reminder that Pride Charlotte is this Saturday, July 26, 11 am to 6pm at the Gateway Village on the west side of uptown Charlotte. For those not familiar with Charlotte, Gateway Village runs between Trade Street and 5th Street between N. Cedar Street and N. Irwin Avenue. Pride Charlotte is a day when the GLBT community can be out and proud. This year's theme is "Live, Love, Be." It's that last word that means so much although the first two are pretty special too.

I am scheduled with my Transgender Adventures in History presentation on the Community Stage at 1:20pm following Elke Kennedy of Sean's Last Wish. I couln't be more honored to be following this courageous lady. She is such an inspiration. The Community Stage is one of two stages at Pride Charlotte. It will be on Trade Street. I look forward to being in my southern belle best and then quick changing to something cooler! As my friend Nancy Wichmann reminds me though, women in those days could not change into something cooler. So I can't complain too much.

On a more serious note, I do hope this is the beginning of a greater presence for the transgender community in Charlotte. Last year's booth was somewhat hastily organized and not even a CGA or Kappa Beta function. Pam and I still had a great time being a part of the day's activities. By the way, Pam will be saying a few words at 12:20pm on the Main Stage. This year, we have asked for input from so many of the groups including PFLAG. Also many of the regular CGA attendees are volunteering to staff the booth for the entire event. Even a few new members have jumped in to provide a banner, buttons, and the handouts. I am so impressed with their willingness to contribute.

My hope is that as Pride Charlotte grows, so will all the letters represented in GLBT. While we continue to learn more about each other, we also will show the mainstream a united front of people who are being true to themselves. In my mind, anyone who attends a Pride event is saying just that: I will be true to who I am. I know in my life I have reached a point where there simply is no other option. The other choices are not really choices at all.

I would like to invite anyone who is interested in learning more about the community to drop by and say hello at our table. Parking and admission is free. We should be near the Main Stage in the covered shady portion of Gateway Village. There are plenty of entertainment and food vendors. I would even welcome the new transgender person or crossdresser to attend and chat with us. You'll be amongst friends, and all of us have been down that road before. We would love to help you on that same road.

Pride Charlotte Entertainment Page

Week of Pride Charlotte Schedule

Pride Charlotte - TG Adventures in History

2008-07-04T12:24:00.001-04:00

My "award winning" presentation, TG Adventures in History, has been scheduled for the Community Stage at 1:20pm at Pride Charlotte 2008, July 26. It will be similar to the presentation I did for the Kappa Beta Christmas party except I will wear only one costume. For those who missed it, TG Adventures in History is a combination of my living history stories and experiences, TG historical notes (primarily ancient history and 19th cenury), and 19th century women's fashion. I will be dressed (hopefully!) in my famous green Civil War gown including the hoop skirt. I am still waiting to hear back from Jeff on a changing room. Otherwise, I might just wear a simple prom dress ;) I invite everyone to attend! I will also be representing CGA at their booth that day which is a huge honor. More information about 2008 Pride Charlotte can be found at http://www.pridecharlotte.com/

Also, I was recently approved for a seminar at this year's SCC. It is scheduled for Sat, October 4 at 9am in the Gardenia Room at the Crowne Plaza Ravinia in Atlanta. This will be over an hour long presentation with a Q&A at the end. You can find more information about this year's Southern Comfort Conference (scheduled for September 30 - October 5, 2008) at http://www.sccatl.org/

The theme for all my presentations is being who you are and following your dreams. I have a dream of being an openly TG living historian and reenactor. I want everyone to have the faith and courage to follow their dreamds even if it's something that has never been done before. My love of history and period fashions is very real, and that is what wins people over.

Sean's Last Wish (cont.)

2008-06-12T19:47:00.002-04:00

Stephen Moller was sentenced to three years prison time at a courthouse in Greenville, SC for the punching death of Sean Kennedy. Moller pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter. He could have received anywhere from time served up to five years. The three year sentence falls somewhere in the middle, but he will likely only serve another year in jail.

My heart goes out to Elke Kennedy, Sean’s mother. The pain she has had to endure is beyond description. She received very little comfort or relief at the hearing yesterday. Moller’s attorney, Ryan Beasley, put forward several shaky arguments as to why his client should be released on time served (about seven months). He tried to downplay the incident as merely a disagreement and fight between two drunken party goers. Beasley even went so far as to suggest that Sean’s fatal injury came about from someone helping him after the punch and dropping his body. I understand our justice system gives every defendant the right to a vigorous defense. However I wish our intelligence would not be insulted so much.

The larger question is the role of a hate crime. In a way, should it have mattered? A young man was killed, and it was not an accident. While death may not have been the mostly likely outcome, it is one of many reasonable and possible outcomes. Also where were the charges of assault and many others that I’m sure I’m not aware of? Why did the DA’s office agree to such a simple charge in this death? I realize in the state of South Carolina there is no second degree murder or voluntary manslaughter. However, it appears other charges were not even pursued.

This is a situation in which the gay and transgender communities have become all too familiar with. Our cases as a general rule are not investigated or prosecuted as strongly. Why is that? Part of the justice system says that you are at the mercy of the local system no matter whether you are a victim, suspect, or the accused. Across this country, there is a huge variance in how similar cases are handled. Add to that the complexity of politics and election cycles, and we are all subject to how a particular DA may be feeling that day. We are all affected by the prejudices and whims of the individuals in justice and law enforcement. This is why it’s so important to elect fair minded and level headed candidates when we have the opportunity. At some point, the scales of justice must be made truly level. We all lose when they are not level.

I will be seeing Elke Kenndy at the PFLAG meeting in Salisbury Saturday morning. I look forward to giving her a big hug and offering my support. In her grief and sorrow, she has triumphed with her spirit. By carrying on her son’s memory, Elke insures that Sean will continue a positive impact on the world. At the same time, I pray for Stephen Moller’s soul.

Greenville News Article

Associated Press Artcle (courtesy Charlotte Observer)

Debutante Dress with a Pic and Video!

2008-06-01T23:28:00.006-04:00

I'm sure many of you were wondering if I was ever going to put on that debutante dress again. After all it has been a year since I wrote about it, and she has shown all these other beautiful dresses. In fact, it was the first post in this award winning blog. Well never fear, my dear debs. Not only do I have a pic. I also have a video!

You'll probably also noticed that the debutante dress makes an appearance in the title page. It signals the start of a slightly different path for my life. I will always be the "Prom Queen", but I am now more the "TG Southern Belle." It is hopefully a maturation on my part. A Southern belle signifies a woman while still quite young but now a bit wiser. She is much more worldly yet still knows how to be feminine, and she still gets to wear beautiful dresses too.

Enjoy the video. Remember, since this is my debut, there is much more to come!

Sean's Last Wish

2008-05-31T18:22:00.001-04:00

One of the great controversies in the TG community is our association with the gay community. Many fear such a connection will only reinforce the belief in the mainstream that all crossdressers and transgender people are really gay. There is also the disillusionment over the ENDA debacle. The reality even there is that it brought our two communities closer as we realized how much our struggles are similar. Only those at the top of the HRC leadership do not see that. However that is a story that has been debated and analyzed in much better ways by better writers. However the fight does still continue.

Then there are those stories where the labels can be thrown away. They are simply about the human condition. It is a truly tragic story. Out of the despair and grief of losing a son, hope and even triumph reigns. Such is the story of Sean Kennedy, a 20 year old man that was taken from us far too soon. Yes, he is gay. That’s only part of the story.

Sean Kennedy was murdered just over a year ago. The short story is that he was leaving a bar in Greenville, SC early the morning of May 16, 2007. A young man in a car asked if he could spare a cigarette. He obliged, and then another person got out of the car and felt like he had the right to throw his fist through Sean’s face breaking the bones. Either the hit or the resulting fall shattered a piece of Sean’s spinal cord and killed him.

The four young people sped away in their car not realizing that Sean was dead. The young man who delivered the fatal blow even left a cell phone message to one of Sean’s girlfriends saying that Sean owed him $500 for a broken hand. The message was callous and cruel as he literally laughed about what he had done. Fortunately he was caught the next day. Unfortunately the South Carolina court system was not setup to properly dispense justice. The best they could charge the killer with was involuntary manslaughter as it was determined the act was not premeditated. Ironically the phone message was the deciding evidence. The sentencing hearing is set for later this summer. Chances are he will get off on time served.

Elke Kennedy, Sean’s mother, has spoken out since her son’s death about the lack of appropriate laws for this situation. Any kind of federal hate crimes law would have brought on federal charges. The death of the Matthew Shepherd Act last year likely means Sean’s death will not be the last. Also in South Carolina, there is not voluntary manslaughter or second degree murder. The prosecutors were very limited in how they could charge Sean’s killer.

Elke has crusaded tirelessly across the county speaking to many groups. The CGA was graced with her presence at the May meeting. An amazing thing happened as we shared our experiences. We realized we are not alone in our struggles. Elke admitted to us a lack of knowledge about the TG community. She now knows we support her in her fight. Once you get past the labels, our experiences are so similar.

One part of the discussion that I will share concerns churches and religious groups. As I noted in a recent post, it is difficult for a self professed TG Christian to find their place in either world. In Elke’s case, her church family abandoned her shortly after Sean’s death. They could not find anything in their belief system that would allow them to support Elke. In their view, homosexuality is an abomination. They will not come out and say it, but they probably believe Sean deserved to die.

So I asked Elke why does the church (particularly in more conservative regions) focus so much on this one supposed sin? One of my biggest pet peeves is that this world has far bigger problems such as corruption, greed, and lack of love. Why do we rail so much against this one “sin?” My belief is that addressing the above problems would force us to look in the mirror. At least with homosexuality, we can throw stones and be self righteous. Elke also correctly noted that so much of the belief system is taught from a young age. Many don’t associate with the gay or TG community. It becomes much easier to speak against and eventually hate a group of people you don’t know. It is my firm belief that hate caused Sean’s death.

Please note that the above is not a blanket indictment of all Christians. Pam and I have had the wonderful opportunity to talk with Christians who while they disagree with our lifestyle clearly do not hate us. Some have even taken the opportunity to know us and realize we’re not such bad people (and vice versa). We’re even somewhat normal sometimes! It is my prayer and hope that these conversations are the beginning to a greater understanding for all parties.

I will finish by saying that if you have the opportunity to hear Elke Kennedy speak, please do so. She is scheduled for the Salisbury PFLAG meeting at 10am, Saturday, June 14th. Go to their website, Sean’s Last Wish, for other appearance dates. She even apologized to the group at CGA for coming on a bit strong. I told her there was no need to apologize. She is a wonderful and impassioned speaker and an outstanding listener. I was honored she could attend CGA. You will be lifted by her story and undying spirit. We need more Elke Kennedy’s in this world.

I Wrote a Story

2008-05-29T22:25:00.003-04:00

And it has now been published! Entitled TG Short Stories with Carollyn Olsen and Friends, this paperback features three short stories. The first, You've Got Male, was penned by my good friend from the Vanity Club, Carollyn Olsen. The second, Loving Change, was written by yours truly. The final story is Third Kiss from Lady Silke Loretta Martin.

Loving Change features a crossdresser and her supportive live in girlfriend on the evening of their six month anniversary. A night of love making leaves a permanent change on our protagonist, or does it? A short excerpt:

Every touch from her brought such a tingly wave of joy upon me that I barely noticed her leading me to our bedroom suite. We both kicked off our heels as I followed her siren call.

“Close your eyes,” she said. “This will take a minute, but keep them closed until I say so.”

I closed my eyes. Amanda was a sensual, tender lover and I relished these moments of surprise. I felt her unzipping my dress letting it fall to the floor. She moved my legs to help me step out gracefully. My bra and waist cincher were undone letting the coolness of the room rush against my smooth hairless chest. She moved my arms straight up, so I could be feel a silk material sliding over my torso and falling down below my knees.

“Just a moment more, Shell,” I heard the luscious voice command me. Something special was in store when she called me by my femme name. I sensed Amanda moving around, the rustling of fabric, and then her closeness in front of me.

To order, send check or money order to:

Carollyn Olson
PO Box 1241
Loomis, CA 95650

The cost of the book is $12 (US regular mail); $15 (US Priority Mail) and $18 (US for International Mail. Add $5 and Carollyn will also enclose a copy of Deception which was her first novel.

God Does Not Make Mistakes

2008-05-26T14:28:00.005-04:00

My good friend Robbi Cohn has been passing this link around about a Fox News story on transgender children. Dr. Norman Spack, a pediatric specialist at Boston's Children Hospital, is amongst a growing number of doctors that recognize TG tendencies in children. He also assists in therapy for children as young as age seven and recommends medicine that will delay the onset of puberty while these children are given the opportunity to determine their true gender. Of course this being a Fox News story, several conservative doctors are used for a rebuttal essentially questioning Dr. Spack's morals and judgment. One even goes as far as calling him and the children's families child abusers. Another word used is "barbaric." Dr. Spack is truly a courageous individual for pursuing true science in the face of increasing opposition from his learned colleagues and the public at large.

While I agree treating TG children must be approached with all due caution, it must be noted that this treatment is not done in a vacuum. The point of therapy is to involve the family and their child in the decision making process. We know children realize the difference between boys and girls at a very young age. It would make sense for children to figure out over time if they do not fit in with their birth gender. This is a worthwhile area of study so that children do not grow into teenagers and adults that at best can't find their place in this world and at worst commit suicide.

God does not make mistakes. If you scroll down to the comments section, you will see that phrase from a conservative audience numerous times. It is one of their mantras repeated so often like a skipping record. Guess what? I agree, but not in the sense they are referring. Many of the posters believe gender is fixed and cannot be changed. To do so is like playing God. To change it is sacrilegous. Never mind that no one is born "perfect." We all have imperfections whether it be bad eyes, ears, or heaven forbid any number of conditions such as autism or Down's Syndrome. We most certainly attempt to treat all of those and more in order to improve a person's quality of life. Transitioning (both surgical and non surgical) for TG individuals is no different.

God does not make mistakes. I agree. I and all of my TG brothers and sisters were made this way for a reason. I am only now starting to understand that. I have a long way to go in my understanding, but I know I am this way to God's glory. It goes beyond the prom dresses, the Civil War gowns, makeup, the wigs, etc. I truly was blessed with the soul of a woman. I see the world through a woman's eyes. I am a woman. I was dropped into the body of a man. I don't totally know why. I know I have to work a bit harder to be me. It's still worth it though. I wouldn't trade my life for any other.

Those who know me well know me as a woman. Even on a Saturday trip to Latta Plantation, I was treated as a woman. They know me no other way. My friends tell me they see my confidence in being who I am. Maybe I am just sick of hiding. Whatever the case, it's a wonderful feeling to be accepted. That acceptance begins with you. Once you accept the real you, the possibilities are endless.

God does not make mistakes. I couldn't agree more.

Continuing Education

2008-04-27T21:48:00.004-04:00

One of the fun things I get to do from time to time is speak at universities across the area. I love going back to campus as a college girl of sorts because I get to live somewhat vicariously through the students. Of course, the engery, enthusiasm, and influx of ideas are all infectious. At times I wonder what life would have been like if I had come out in my college years and lived en femme. This is somewhat self defeating though as I do believe in a greater purpose for my life, and I am on the path I need to be.

Wednesday afternoon, my good friend Pam put out an email call for a speaker for the Day of Silence event at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, SC. The other scheduled speaker had become sick the previous evening and could not make it. I got the email at 5:15pm and immediately phoned Pam that I'd love to join in. After getting my directions straight and jumping in my phone booth, I made it to the campus at 7:30pm in time for the 8pm event.

I met a wonderful group of students involved in GLBT outreach. The Day of Silence is meant to bring attention to the issue of bullying and harassment of young gay and TG students. The national day was Friday, April 25, but the Winthrop group held theirs on a day when the auditorium was available. Several taped their mouths as a way of saying that it is the silence that is killing the community. Removing the tape at the end of the day is a way of breaking the silence.

Pam gave a wonderful prepared speech focusing on how far we've come. I delivered my impromptu speech which nowadays also features the debutante dress and the Ghost Walk stories. I shared these because I am beginning to relate Stephanie to the real world, and the real world is in turn knowing me and hopefully liking me better. In fact, one of the banners in the auditorium said, "Don't hate... relate!" That is the story in a nutshell of how I win people over. It is more difficult to hate someonew when you know them. One person at a time, we are knowing each other better.

I believe Pam and I pass along more than just a few extra years of experience. We pass along hope. Hope that because of their efforts, they are literally creating a better world right before their eyes. All of our efforts are never in vain. If we can give the younger generation hope that they are fighting the good fight, then we all have already won.

A couple of more notes: I have a new YouTube video with the dress in the picture. Of course, that is the Loralie model. I think I have found a dress I can wear this year. I love digging through my closets and finding outfits I had fogotten about. I would do a Story Behind the Dress, but this story is still in its preliminary stages. Wait a few months on this one!

Southern Comfort registration is now open. The earlier you register, the better a deal you get. I will be at the last planning meeting in August, but I'll also be sure to pass along any new details I hear before then.

One new group I've started visiting is the PFLAG chapter in Salisbury, NC. I came out to a friend in that group in March. They are still somewhat low on TG members, but Pam and I hope to change that. I had a very nice dinner with them Friday.

My Favorite Color

2008-04-03T18:37:00.004-04:00

When anyone asks about my favorite color, I will now point to this lovely shade of fuschia that I had my nails on my hands and toes done in at Happy Nails in Charlotte. I am blessed with fairly small hands and feet for a ::cough, cough:: male body. I just love the extra feminine touch that this color adds.

I have added a new video as well to my YouTube collection which will now have a link to the right. In addition to my videos, I have a favorites list with all the best videos of prom, formal, and historical gowns. Of course the poofier and longer the gown, the better I like it!

Roll the Video

2008-03-24T19:39:00.005-04:00

A very bad first video, but it gives you a nice look at my favorite Civil War dress with a little sparkle thrown in for good measure.

Stories with this dress:

Latta Plantation Ghost Walk

My Dream Dress

Finding That Perfect Dress, Part II

2008-03-04T17:56:00.003-05:00

Today we will look at some general tips for shopping for formal dresses. Most of these are common sense, but many still overlook them. Again, everything here applies to both genetic and t-girls.

1. Start Early

I would suggest starting at least two months ahead of time before a planned formal. Add another month if it’s during prom season. This gives you time to find the dress, have it altered, accessorize, and have a picture session ahead of time. Most of the nice shops have extra staff during the busy prom and debutante season and can work you into their alteration schedule. Make sure you have the same shoes and underwear you are planning on wearing when you go to have your dress altered. Don’t skip or delay these appointments if you are shooting for a certain date. At Poffie Girls in Gastonia, NC, they worked with over 400 girls during prom season alone!

Now if you’re not on a schedule, you can do the above at a more leisurely pace. Just understand that if you don’t give a specific date during a busy period, you will probably be pushed to the back of their schedule.

2. Do Your Research

When you have a formal coming up, know what style of dress is on the invitation (semi-formal, black tie, etc.). Many shops are geared to specific events such as the prom and the debutante ball and will have the appropriate dresses in stock. Also look at the price range, and set a budget for your entire outfit including accessories. That is a number you can give to the store ahead of time. Finally research the dress styles by visiting online sites and reading fashion catalogs. That leads to the next tip.

3. Try Several Styles

Some events like a debutante ball are specific with the dress styles. Others are more open ended which allows you to experiment a little. Admittedly the number of choices can be overwhelming with different looks in length, cut, material, and color. Also add in the current fashion trends which can send you a direction you don’t want to go, and the new dress buyer can be in for frustration. That is why it is important to try on several different dresses each time. Get into the habit of trying on something that you think you wouldn’t like. You may surprise yourself! It is quite the experience when you find the dress that is truly you.

4. Accessorize!

Once you have found the dress, you’re only half finished. The accessories truly complete the look. I love finding the perfect necklace and the right set of gloves with each of my dresses. It’s like they were meant for each other. Also find a nice set of shoes. Even a second pair that is more comfortable for later in the night is not a bad idea. Schedule an appointment with your hairdresser, and have her help you. Don’t be afraid to play with different hairstyles. For cold nights, find a nice fur coat or shawl. Mix and match as you see fit. Play with different combinations once you have your dress. Try the outfit on at least once beforehand with all your accessories to see how they come together.

5. Be Nice to the Help

While working with Jackie, the seamstress at Poffie Girls, she told me so many stories of snooty girls who couldn’t find the time to stand still or get off their cell phones while having their dresses altered. She then told how nice I had been. When it came time to ask for some pictures, I know she was more than glad to help me out.

The moral of the above story is that it pays to be nice to people no matter the situation. However, many young women do not take the dress buying process seriously enough to take advantage of the best resource… the people. Be nice and respectful to the sales lady and the seamstress. They can make your life so much easier. They want you to be a happy customer so you’ll come back. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. They are professionals who have dealt with most situations and can make your dress buying experience as close to perfection as possible. Use their knowledge to your benefit, and be sure to thank them afterwards. It really will come back to you in a positive way.

6. Have Fun!

All of my dress buying trips have been on my own, and I have a blast each time. Even as a T-gal with an admittedly deep voice, I am not afraid to chat it up. I have the best conversations. I have been fortunate that most times, I have not been on a schedule for a particular event. Ninety percent of the time, I have seen a dress and picked an upcoming event that it would match. So I suppose I do things in reverse. I also love making a full girl’s day out with a pedicure, shopping, and eating out. It is difficult to enjoy if it is one thing in an already hectic schedule. In short, don’t just buy the dress. Enjoy the process and the day to the fullest.

I hope the above tips have been helpful. Each dress brings back memories not only of the times I have worn it but also how I obtained it. When I wear the dress and accessories, I am feeling more than just the material against my skin (which is wonderful in itself) but also the memories and emotions associated with it. I can think of few other things that have that kind of affect on me. It’s a little like magic. Imagine that all in a dress. The discovery of that special dress is truly only the beginning.

Finding That Perfect Dress, Part I

2008-03-03T17:24:00.004-05:00

With prom season right around the corner, many young ladies (both genetic and trans) are searching for that perfect dress. It can be a daunting and time consuming experience. One of the fun things over the past ten years has been searching for and finding some wonderful dresses. I have probably found dresses and gowns from every possible venue. Each has its advantages and disadvantages. I will go over each of the possible options in Part One. In Part Two, I will pass along some tips when shopping for dresses. All tips are good for both genetic and t-girls.

Shopping Options

1. Specialty or Boutique Shop

Some of the best bridal and formal dress shops can be found in the most unlikely of locations. Even the smallest towns have at least one boutique that caters to brides-to-be. While you may not be looking for that dress in white, most of these shops also have bridesmaid, debutante, and yes even prom dresses.

The advantage is a well trained staff that can help you with sizing and styles. You also cannot beat the ambiance of being in a place dedicated to you finding the right dress. It’s nice to have a personal assistant working with you every step of the way. Being surrounded by all those luxurious dresses is an experience beyond description. Many even have alterations onsite. Of course, you also have the best in quality of dresses. The disadvantages are costs and sometimes selection. Call ahead if you have a favorite designer in mind to see if the shop carries them. If your budget allows for it, the experience and the dress itself are worth the extra costs.

2. Discount Dress Shop

Shops like David’s Bridal have become popular for their costs and even better selection of dresses, accessories, and shoes. While the name may still suggest wedding day attire, most of these shops have plenty for the formal gal as well.

The advantage of a discount store is usually a greater variety of dresses since these shops rely on volume. Some even have online stores so you can look ahead. The prices are more affordable as well. The staff quality is not as consistent as the specialty store. One associate may have to work with several people at once. It may be best to visit during slow hours. Also the quality of the dresses themselves is a notch below the boutiques. However, if you still want the experience of shopping for a dress without breaking the bank, the discount store is the way to go.

3. Goodwill or Consignment Shop

In recent years, the donation stores have gotten a better reputation particularly in ritzy neighborhoods. They are no longer the rundown stores of old. The newer Goodwills are clean and well stocked. Some of my favorite dresses (including my first and most recent) have been bought at Goodwill.

The major advantage is costs. The most I have ever paid for a dress is $10. One in between area is selection. I have found some older styles that I adore. Of course, it is all hit and miss. It is best if you are open to looking for all segments of your wardrobe as you’re more likely to find something. The time to visit is the weekends as that is when most of the drop-offs occur. It is also the busiest time. The one disadvantage is that you’re completely on your own. You will also likely need alterations.

4. Seamstress/Dressmaker

A good seamstress can be a girl’s best friend. Even if you already have the dress, chances are it will need to be altered. Establishing a relation with an experienced lady can reduce the headaches considerably. She will make sure the dress fits *you* . When you wear the dress on that special night, you know it will look and feel good. Once you are confident in her alterations, you might even move on to having her make dresses from scratch. They will be completely unique, and the choices of material, color, and style are limited only by your imagination.

Another choice is an online seamstress (like the Very Merry Seamstress) that specializes in historical or other costume dresses. It is nice to find someone with that kind of experience to make a specialized dress. Communication is key here since there is no face to face contact. Make sure the sizes and instructions you send in are correct. Also follow their instructions to the letter as this will allow them to do the best job for you.

5. eBay and other online sites

eBay has become an internet institute with everything you would ever need. It is almost an economy unto itself. As such, it is far more difficult to find the good deals as most sellers are savvy enough to insure they get the highest bids. Still with a bit of perseverance, you can find some amazing dresses for less than retail. The standard rules apply for staying within budget (don’t overbid yourself and check shipping costs) and checking for sizes (read the entire listing for correct sizing). The selection increases before prom season and also before the Christmas holidays. However, you can find numerous auctions for just about anything year round. Accessories like jewelry, gloves, and shawls are also in abundant supply.

Almost any outfit you buy online will require alterations. Figure that into your costs. Also don’t forget the online stores particularly during clearance time. I bought my favorite peach dress which retailed for almost $300 for under $100. Also sites like Craig’s List offer some good options particularly on wedding dresses.

I have 16 formal dresses in my closet, and I have used all of the above routes for buying a dress. My favorite? Clearly the boutique shop. If money were no object, I’d go there every day! However, I have been pretty fortunate in my hunt for some nice outfits no matter how I go about it.

In Part Two of Finding That Perfect Dress, I will offer some general shopping tips.

Happenings Ten Years Time Ago

2008-02-22T17:01:00.003-05:00

I chose the above psychedelic tune from the Yardbirds because it has indeed been a long strange but wonderful trip. Ten years ago yesterday (2/21), I ventured out for the first time en femme. I believe Stephanie was truly born that day. Believe me, I was one scared girl, but it set the stage for what has followed.

It was a Saturday afternoon at a Kappa Beta meeting when I walked in a room at the old Arena Inn on Independence Boulevard in Charlotte, NC. Inside, a few crossdressers had gathered. I had already contacted Sherri Lynn, the corresponding secretary for KB at the time. We had chatted on the phone several times in the preceding month and a half. I knew I was going to get a makeover from a GG friend of the group.

When I walked in that room, I had little idea what to expect. Everyone was nice, but I knew I was opening a door on a part of me that had not seen the light of day. I was full of questions. Sherri was great at answering all of them. She took me to Lucy’s studio where I was to get my makeover. About three from the group also joined us. As soon as I sat in the chair and she started to apply the makeup, I knew there was no turning back. When she was finished with my makeup and wig styling, I looked in the mirror and was amazed by the results. There I was… a girl. That was Stephanie looking back. I was the girl in the mirror. I was her.

However, it wasn’t until I stepped outside that it all truly hit me. It was warm for a February day with a nice light breeze. The sun hitting my face and the breeze against my skirt made it all feel very real. I knew this was right. This is who I was meant to be. I wasn’t a freak. I wasn’t even a man in a dress. I was simply me, and I was out never to return to the closet.

I am a little unusual in that I had never put the full physical picture together until that day. I had played mostly with clothes and some with makeup and wigs over the previous eight years. However, I had never worn the whole package (clothes, makeup, wig, shoes, forms, etc.) until then. I really had little idea how I would look. The whole effect was quite intoxicating. Six months later after finally getting somewhat competent doing my own makeup, I could look in the mirror and see a girl in the mirror. In fact, I would probably ask her out if I saw her on the street.

I have grown so much since that first outing. I feel like I learned so much the first two years and then had a lull for five years. The past three years have seen another growth spurt where I have a greater understanding of my feminine nature (much of which I have written about). I am thankful to be able to be the real me and to continue to explore and learn. With the help of supportive friends, I know it will continue. I look forward to what lies ahead while reminiscing about that first outing. I enjoy briefly taking myself back to that day and remembering how I felt. It gives me courage and strength for the future to know I took the big step into that motel room. I will continue to take those steps down the road which will lead me to a larger role on this stage we call life.

Education of a Different Kind

2008-02-20T22:57:00.002-05:00

I have written about my presentations at UNCC. Those are admittedly done before a somewhat willing and impressionable audience. It is a form of outreach that is both rewarding and honorable. What do you do though when there is no classroom? When you need to educate already intelligent and successful adults? How do you get the word out about a truly pressing issue?

This past Saturday, I assisted in handing out leaflets outside the HRC Gala at the Charlotte Convention Center. Called an educational initiative and organized by Angela Brightfeather from Raleigh, NC, and Monica Helms from Atlanta, Ga, it was designed to enlighten members of the GLBT community about employment issues and the ENDA bill. It seemed appropriate that this came on my tenth anniversary at Kappa Beta. I along with several of my KB sisters stepped out in a larger way. I couldn't have been more proud of Pam, Tammy, and Trish for their efforts. Also thanks goes to a young gentleman named Scott who attended the gala and then joined us afterwards.

You may recall that I attended the HRC Gala a year ago along with thirteen of my TG sisters. We had such high hopes that night. We had even planned to increase the TG attendance at the gala until the fiasco last October. The funny thing is I am still filled with hope, but we will have to proceed with a different gameplan. I sensed that most attendees from this year's and last year's gala are supportive of the TG community. The problem as always is politics, and the best way to affect change is to talk. We talk to them. They talk to the leaders of HRC. As some point, the message gets filtered by the time it reaches the top. That's one reason why the effort must be constant.

I have said many times that I am an activist of a different kind by simply being out and about. I leave the lobbying to the professionals. However that does not mean I can't be a foot soldier from time to time. Bodies are always needed, and I was happy to be one Saturday night.

What follows is Angela's Brightfeather's press release:

PRESS RELEASE
From: It's Time-North Carolina
Please pass along to all lists.

February 18, 2008

Report on the Educational Initiative in Charlotte, NC

On Saturday, February 16th, Transgender activists in North Carolina gathered in Charlotte, NC at the convention center in the downtown area and at the Westin Inn across the street, to conduct an Educational Initiative against the Human Rights Campaign during their largest fund raising event in North and South Carolina called the Gala Dinner. The action was taken to protest the role of HRC and their participation in the removal of Transgender protections from the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, commonly referred to as ENDA.

After four years of being included in the ENDA legislation, Transgender language was stripped from the latest version that was voted on and which passed the U.S. Congress in October of '07. This was due to the political maneuvering efforts of Congressman Barney Frank (D. MA), who for years has insisted that gender inclusive legislation was bound to fail. The complicity and approval of HRC who had promised to support only gender inclusive legislation and then flip flopped on that position due to suggestions from Congressman Frank that HRC's future participation and influence in GLBT legislation might be lessened if they were not agreeable to his strategy of "incrementalism" regarding Transgender protections has angered Transgender activists.

Before the Gala Dinner held in the evening, HRC conducted a leadership workshop for students at UNC-Charlotte Student Pride that ran from the morning into the afternoon. Transgender activists from Raleigh and Charlotte, NC and Atlanta, GA were invited to address the students for an hour during the workshop, discussing the impact of HRC's actions since March of 2007, when Transgender lobbying efforts in Washington, DC first found out from congressional offices, that support for a inclusive ENDA was being eroded. They presented a timeline of actions that led to the removal of gender inclusive legislation by Congressman Frank and the reasons why HRC felt compelled to join Frank in the act of marginalizing the Trans community from the legislation, by using misleading polls and by threatening Congressional leaders with bad "report cards" from HRC in the face of a critical upcoming election year in 2008.

Later in the evening after the Gala dinner, activists distributed over 900 leaflets to attendees leaving the dinner. Many of the attendees took the time to stop and talk with activists to tell them that they strongly objected to HRC's position on ENDA and understand the seriousness of it to the Transgender community. Many of the attendees already knew that Trans-activists would be present during the dinner due to a well published story in Q-Notes, the leading GLBT publication read by many in the Carolinas. http://www.q-notes.com/top2008/top01_020908.html Many of the attendees thanked the activists for being there.

After the guests left the convention center and returned to the host hotel across the street, many sought out the Transgender Hospitality Suite in the hotel, where it was standing room only while enjoying after dinner coffee and conversation about their concerns regarding HRC's position on ENDA and their agreeing to eliminate the gender portions of the legislation. Reverend Jimmy Creech, a well known and respected GLBT leader in the Carolinas and known nationally for his support of GLBT issues and the recipient of Leadership Awards from HRC, discussed some of the significant effects of HRC's actions against the transgender community and it's exclusion in ENDA and the role that Congressman Frank played in that process, with Angela Brightfeather, the State Director of It's Time-North Carolina who was the organizer and sponsor of the educational initiative.

Reverend Creech sincerely questioned exactly what it is that the transgender community needed people like himself to do to assist them. Angela Brightfeather noted that they need to study the fliers that were handed out at the dinner and confront the HRC Board of Directors that they know and who they have contact with about that information and make them aware that they risk their future support if they do not support an inclusive ENDA in 2009 when it will probably be introduced in the U.S. Senate by it's leading sponsor Senator Ted Kennedy. It was noted that their very questioning of the "theory of incrementalism" as mandated by Congressman Frank and HRC will mean that HRC is out of step with their own membership; a bad situation for HRC who depends on their members for donations and operating expenses.

It was also noted that no HRC employees, staff or Joe Solomonese, who was in attendance at the Gala was seen or visited the Transgender Hospitality Suite to talk with people there.

It's Time-North Carolina wishes to thank those who worked on behalf of the Transgender Community in the Carolinas, many of them coming from local support groups in the Charlotte area and notes that the funny little secret about educational initiatives that have been held is that they instead of dividing the GLBT community, do exactly to opposite and draw on the common concerns and feelings that GLBT people have for one another, along with being fun and enjoyable.

Angela Brightfeather, State Director
It's Time North Carolina

The Story Behind the Dress #6

2008-02-01T01:51:00.000-05:00

Has it been since last summer since I updated this series? And so many dresses to go too! The prom queen is losing her touch. However this time of year, many of the young ladies are thinking ahead to that special spring dance. My special dances are usually at Southern Comfort and the Kappa Beta Christmas party. So I have a ways to go before thinking about my next dress. Sometimes I don't need a special occasion to buy a dress. If I see something I like, I get it! Such is the fun of being a girl :)

I bought this dress in December of 1998 along with my crimson Christmas dress at a consignment shop in Fayetteville, NC. It is similar in style to my first dress, the royal blue number. However the color stands out much more... either a hot pink or almost a fuschia depending on the lighting. The style is admittedly a little outdated with the puffy sleeves and irregular skirt hem (long in back, short in front). I think it was more poplular in the late 80's and early 90's. It has plenty of room for accessorizing with a nice neckline and also for some gloves. The short white gloves seem to match best, but you can go with opera length too. I still love it and keep it in my closet.

The dress was a bit of a departure as I was very much experimenting with colors. The color of this dress stood out so much, and it seemed to satisfy a wilder side. I think in retrospect it started my love affair with all shades of pink eventually leading to the strapless pink/peach gown. Its interesting to watch the evolution of my tastes over the years. I wore this dress quite a bit in 1999 and 2000. Maybe one day it will make a comeback!

For those who missed the first five installments, here they are:

Story Behind the Dress #1

Story Behind the Dress #2

Story Behind the Dress #3

Story Behind the Dress #4

Story Behind the Dress #5

The Promqueen's Guide to... Computer Games!

2008-01-19T23:33:00.000-05:00

When I'm not wearing my finest in long satin gowns, I do take on a few other hobbies. I have always liked video games going back to the days of Pong in the 70's. My very first gaming system was an Atari 2600. Like most geeks during the 80's, I also had a Commodore 64 which was a fantastic gaming system. I played Dr. J. and Larry Bird Go One on One until the wee hours. However it wasn't until the 90's that PC gaming started to come of age somewhat. While I still like the consoles, I have most of my fun on the computer. My current specs are hardly breathtaking, but most of my favorite PC games do not require a system that can launch a rocket into space. The funny thing is that many do allow me to be a female character. So here is my list of favorite PC games that require a bit of feminine touch to be successful.

Civilization II (1996, MicroProse) - The Civilization series is now up to number four (with Leonard Nimoy as a voice talent), but the second in the series is truly a groundbreaking turn based strategy epic. You start with a band of settlers in 4000 BC on either a randomly generated or real life earth and lead them through several millenium of exploration, scientific discovery, diplomacy, conquest, and eventually into space. You choose which classic civilization you wish to emulate and your ruler (which includes the great female leaders of history). The computer is quite the challenging opponent and will have the other countries gang up on you if your empire grows too large. The choices balance military, economic, and scientific decisions on truly a grand scale. My only qualm is that the end game can get easily bogged down if you're fighting a major war. However the Civilization series is so good that the only worthy successors involve space travel.

Similar games: Masters of Orion II, Alpha Centauri, Galactic Civilizations II

The Sims 2 (2004, Maxis, Electronic Arts) - Following up on the huge success of the original, The Sims 2 is a game about what else? Life! It is a combination of real time strategy and house building. Your character starts with a basic house designed you. He/she manages the daily struggles of job, relationships, and time management eventually getting promoted, adding on to the house, getting married, having kids, growing old, and yes, dying. Much like real life, there is no score. Your goals are completely open endeded. Your character does display several basic needs that must be fulfilled to keep him/her happy. One of the favorite parts of the game is picking your wardrobe including your wedding dress on that special day. You also can add on to your house upgrading and redesigning everything along the way. The Sims 2 has thirteen additions already (six expansion packs and seven stuff packs), but only the original game is needed to enjoy the true experience. The Sims 3 is already in production.

Elder Scrolls Morrowind (2002, Bethesda Softworks, Ubisoft) - Roleplaying games have long been a staple of PC gaming highlighted by the outstanding Ultima series in the DOS days. The major difference between console and PC RPGs is the open ended game play on the computer. The main character is given a freeform game world and is allowed to make his/her choices. You can choose to follow the main quest or go out and attempt to slay monsters far off the beaten path. Console games like the Final Fantasy series tend to be more linear. Generally, the character is forced down one path with only a few chances at branching off. Ironically, Morrowind while being the third game in the Elder Scrolls series was the first to also appear on its console cousin, the Xbox (also playable on the Xbox 360). Like every game in the Elder Scrolls series, you start off as an unknown prisoner. You can customize most facets of your character including gender. You are let off on the island province of Daggerfall where you start your quest. Where you go from there is up to you. It is recommended that you get the the Game of the Year Edition which includes the Tribunal and Bloodmoon expansions.

Similar games: Elder Scrolls Arena, Daggerfall, and Oblivion; Gothic series, Ultima series, Two Worlds

Heroes of Might and Magic III (1999, 3DO) - The HOMM series is now up to version five in its addictive combination of strategy and role playing, but the second and third editions are generally considered the best in the series. The player has the choice of several scenarios or a campaign each with various size of gaming worlds and goals. You usually start with one hero, a paltry army, and one city. Over the course of the game, you explore the gaming world, build up your city, recruit new creatures for your army, and eventually encounter and battle your opponent(s). As your hero wins battles, he/she grows in strength much like a RPG game. However the elements of a turn based strategy game are most prevalent both in the battles and the larger map where the heroes are moved. The music score is also quite stirring, and each scenario/campaign has a solid story which connects them all together. HOMM III also had two expansion packs which add a large number of new scenarios and campaigns. The best value is HOMM III Complete which includes the original and the expansions in one package. Another option is a subscription to Gametap which allows you to play the base editions of HOMM I-IV.

Similar games: Disciples series, Lords of Magic, Age of Wonders series

Grand Prix Legends (1998, Papyrus, Sierra) - It might seem strange to include a racing game, but those familiar with GPL know it is regarded as one of the finest simulations period. Inspired by the movie Grand Prix from 1967, GPL recreates a watershed season in F1 racing. Driving these powerful machines before the days of downforce wings and grippier tires requires, dare I say, a light and feminine touch. A good PC racing wheel is an absolute must. Eleven tracks and all the cars from 1967 are part of the game, but a particularly devout community has expanded upon the original game in the forms of graphical upgrades, hundreds of add-on tracks, and even mods which simulate the 1965, 1966, and 1969 seasons. A good set-up is also helpful, and some of the best come from Alison Hine (aka Eagle Woman). It's no coincidence that this fine lady was able to run quite competitively in many sim leagues. It is also a testament to the game that it remains so popular ten years after its release. The Alternative GPL Track Database is the best starting point for all the fantastic add-ons. The game itself is still available for a reasonable price. With some time and patience, you too can experience the thrill of racing with the wind.

Similar games: rFactor, NASCAR Racing 2003 Season, F1 Challenge 99-02

Note: My computer specs are a dual core AMD Athlon 64 X2 4200+ CPU, ATI Radeon X850 Pro video card, 2 GB PC3200 RAM, Creative SoundBlaster 2 ZS sound card, Logitech MOMO wheel, Windows XP Home Edition. All of the above games listed including the similar games list run smooth as butter on my system. Most games have active communities which are easily found on Google.

Can Crossdressing Be Stopped?

2008-01-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

A good article by Ms Courtney:

The Crossdresser: Is He Powerless to Stop?

My reply:

Ms. Courtney, thank you for the excellent and thought provoking article. Many crossdressers purge because of the intense guilt society inflicts on those who are different. I experienced this many years ago in a church group. I finally came to peace when I understood that the feminine side of me was actually beneficial, not hurtful. Any pressure to not dress came from outside, not within. Society is slowly changing thankfully. Part of that is because crossdressers and transsexuals are much more out in the open, and the world can see they are happy and fulfilled by being their true selves. Once we understand this, people will stop trying to “cure” us because we have already found the remedy by embracing the woman within.

Reading for the New Year

2008-01-02T12:37:00.000-05:00

Here are a couple of article making the rounds in the message boards:

Susan Stanton's Lonely Transformation

Susan Stanton had her life turned upsidedown almost a year ago when she was outed as a transsexual by a local newspaper reporter. The same paper, The St. Petersburg Times, has followed her story since. She is clearly struggling to find her place in her new world. Job issues are something most in transition struggle with. However, Susan Stanton has become somewhat of a pariah in the community by distancing herself from the same community. I am disappointed by her attitude regarding ENDA, but I can understand her need to blaze her own trail. However I would ask that she not speak for the community. She is only speaking for herself.

Crossing Over

Zoe Brain blog response

If this piece were written in anything but the Wall Street Journal, I'd give it little creedence. It is an example of a writer trying to be too cute or clever in an end of the year piece. She can barely get past the bathroom issue as a scare tactic or the religious world's view of the TG community. It feeds on the mainstream's base fears and does nothing to advance real education. If it weren't for so many eyeballs reading it, I'd laugh it off. The numbers we have to fight that do read this though are the scary part. This is the perception we fight against everyday. I also included a link to a lovely TG blogger from Australia who has crafted a better response.

What does this all means? Our struggles continue. That should be no surprise. Three steps foward, two and a half steps back. We must continue to move forward though. I do that by simply being out. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Big Sister is Watching!

2007-12-28T15:35:00.000-05:00

First, a short disclaimer: I do have a piece of code through StatCounter that gives me a couple pieces of information about visitors to my blog. First, it tells me where your IP is located (except some that are blocked). Second, it tells me which website you came from to arrive here and which pages you click on while perusing this blog. It does *not* tell me your street address, phone number, credit card numbers, what you're wearing, what you're eating, or what you think of my blog. Whew... don't you feel better? I do this to get a general idea of how people are finding this blog and where they're from. I find this information both fascinating and useful as I find ways to reach more of the tg commuity and world at large.

One thing that also comes through on the click through links is the searches that are used to find this blog. Some are not surprising. "Crossdresser" and "tg/transgender" appear quite often. Many looking for the famous TG prom queen this past summer from Fresno, CA also found me. I didn't mean to steal her thunder as I thought she was fabulous!

However there are some searches where it's quite obvious they were not looking for a transgendered prom queen. One recent search was "special orders at poffie girls." Clearly someone was looking for information about Poffie Girls in Gastonia, NC where I had my wonderful debutante dress experience. I do know this person did not go to any other pages in the blog, but I wonder if she read some of the entry or quickly moved on? My curiosity will have to be just that. I hope she did the first, but who knows?

This is one of the reasons I keep my posts reasonably family friendly. I do like to make a good first impression particularly for those not familiar with our community. Anyone with no interest will indeed move on. However I hope that those with even a hint of interest will stick around a while. I hope my stories are compelling and positive enough to leave a good impression with them. That is just one more way we can continue to affect the hears and minds of the world at large. I hope that person found themselves a nice dress too!

One Woman, Four Dress Show

2007-12-18T22:43:00.000-05:00

... and I think two wigs! Saturday night at the Kappa Beta Christmas party was another fun night. For only the second time in my almost ten year association with the group, I provided what might pass as entertainment. I decided to offer my services as a budding historian in between all the music acts. I also had three dresses in mind I wanted to wear. So I split my monologues into three segments each in a different costume.

The two costumes on the left are both custom made Civil War era gowns. They were done for me by Heather, the Very Merry Seamstress. You have seen the green dress, but the brown dress (inspired by Captain Janeway on the Star Trek Voyager episode, "The Q and the Grey") was making its debut outing even though I have had it a couple years. The dress in the upper right is a replica of a skating dress from the 1890's (thank you Dyana Lea!). Of course, the dress I wore to the party in the lower right is circa 21st century. Thanks also goes to Swooz Glenn for styling my wigs. She is wonderful to work with and was a huge support backstage.

So what did I talk about? The first segment was a crash course history on 19th century women's fashion with emphasis on the invention of the hoop skirt. In the second segment, I highlighted a few famous crossdressers including Achilles, Joan of Arc, and Deborah Sampson. In the final segment, I retold my story of my dream dress and my time at Latta Plantation.

I received so many kind words and othe compliments. The consensus was the green Civil War gown was the favorite. I tend to agree. I ended by saying I hope I have more to share in Christmas 2008. Only time will tell!

A Wonderful Holiday Weekend

2007-12-16T15:31:00.000-05:00

Weekends just don't get much better than this. I spent Friday and Saturday night with a group of wonderful friends. Here is the picture from Friday night at a party graciously hosted by Rhonda. I dug up an old Christmas dress that still fits pretty well. The company was even better than the dress as I consider the group in the picture below some truly good people.

l-r, Trish Valentine, Diane, Pamela Jones, Stephanie Marie, Rhonda Whittington, Rose, Steffanie Carter; sitting, Donna Marie Hess

When I'm Not a Prom Queen

2007-12-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

Admittedly I can't wear my long beautiful formal dresses or my big Civil War gowns all the time. I am up to 16 formal dresses with a recent purchase for the Kappa Beta Christmas party at Goodwill. So look out Yvonne! I'm catching up ;) Unfortunately her number of dresses hovers around triple digits. I have thought about planning a special ops mission to raid her closet. Volunteers are always being accepted. ;) Not that I'm jealous or anything. Someone might confuse me with Scrooge or the Grinch. But I digress...

The above picture is much more typical of my everyday dress. Notice it is still nicer than what the average American woman wears to go shopping, and that is part of my dilemma. A big reason that I dress up is that I am not fulltime as a woman. If I were fulltime, I'm sure that I would have my share of jeans and t-shirts in my closet. Going out is still an experience for me. It is something I have to plan most of my day around.

Let me say that I do not like to dress up when in guy mode. I am very much a jeans and t-shirt person then. It is easier plus I absolutely detest the coat and tie look. Yes I can tie a necktie properly. However it is so much work, and it makes me look like every other man in the office. It is the uniform, and you best not deviate from it if you wish to get ahead. I am fortunate to work in a field where I rarely have to dress up. I don't think I could stand myself after a week in a coat and tie. Truly dressing in drab fits the description!

In contrast, the above outfit is simple to put together. I am not saying it is the height of good fashion, but it feels and looks good. The blouse I got from eBay and the skirt from Goodwill. So it is possible to dress nice without blowing the bank account. With a blouse and skirt, I can also mix and match colors and styles. I love finding the right combination of outfit, makeup, jewelry, etc for a particular outing. In fact, I have no idea most times what I am going to wear before I go out. That is why I love finding those versatile pieces that I can wear over and over with other pieces and still have so many different outfits. I can scan my closet, see what strikes my mood at that moment, and put something together. The only time that rule changes is for the formal events. Believe me, I am thinking about the right dress weeks in advance.

That is part of the experience of being feminine... finding your style. Early on, I knew I loved prom dresses, but reality says I can only wear those on occasion. So the blouse and skirt look is the next best thing. It's not only that it makes me feel feminine, but I am completely comfortable wearing it. It just feels right. Find what you like. Don't be afraid to experiment. If you are lucky enough that your style fits the current trend, stock up on it. When the next fad comes along, you will have plenty of what *you* like.

What I'm Thankful For

2007-11-22T07:56:00.000-05:00

I finally have a little time to breathe with the Thanksgiving holiday. I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving while keeping the waistline at a reasonable number! All is well on my end... just a lot of work lately. Many like to write columns and blog posts about what they're thankful for. Here is my list:

1) Friends who know the real me especially all the wonderful ladies at Kappa Beta. Special thanks goes to Pamela and Trish for their continual support.
2) My family who don't yet know all of the real me but love me nonetheless.
3) All those beautiful prom, bridesmaid, wedding, Civil War dresses... makes this girl feel soooo feminine.
4) The Internet where I started to discover the real me.
5) My four cats... purrrrrrr.
6) The right time and place that allows me to have the opportunity to explore my true self... hmmmmm, that sounds like a good blog post.
7) Ms. Carmen, my hypnosis therapist.
8) Friends who don't know all of the real me but like me for who I am.
9) Long flowing skirts against smooth nyloned legs... like a touch of heaven.
10) My work which is quite fulfilling and allows me to buy all those wonderful feminine things.
11) Lipstick... every shade under the sun to express every mood.
12) Long hair against my bare shoulders reminds me of how good it feels to be a girl.
13) All the official activists working on our behalf everyday in the legislative halls.
14) All the unofficial activists who slowly are making a difference one heart at a time by being out and about and being themselves.
15) Southern Comfort
16) My razors which rid myself of my nasty body hair.
17) Eye shadow, blush, foundation... it's not just makeup. It's magic!
18) The Moody Blues
19) The Civilization computer game series where women can really rule the world!
20) People from the mainstream who treat you with dignity no matter what is between your legs.
21) Crying
22) The ability to be feminine
23) The future... the best is yet to come!

A Long Time Ago...

2007-11-11T22:41:00.001-05:00

I'll leave the finish to the above to the George Lucas moviemaking machine to avoid potential copyright pitfalls. However, it is quite appropriate to look back from time to time. In my sessions with Ms. Carmen, she makes sure I remember key past events and even helps put me back in that time. Looking back accomplishes several things. It shows me how far I've come as Stephanie and how much I've changed. She also makes sure I recognize key moments of change such as the 2007 SCC where I worked as a video producer en femme for the first time.

At the end of our last chat, Ms. Carmen brought up a memory I shared early in my blog history about a time before I had even chosen a femme name. It was when I was discovered by a college roommate when I was part of a fundamentalist church. That night, several men from the church "intervened" with me about my "sin." I threw away the two dresses I had at the time. It was a time of despair for me. I thought I was evil and perverted. I even thought I was the only one with thoughts of wearing women's clothes. I had no idea of a community. They had caught me, and I had no choice but to acquiesce. That day and the days following were some of the darkest times in my life. Their solution? Pray to God, and beg Him to take this away from me.

The above occurred almost 15 years ago (December 1992). Just over five years later, I would go out for the first time en femme. Now I am fully on the path I was destined for. It took a while to get on that track, but I can truly say that it has been worth it. I know more challenges lie ahead. I will probably face some truly difficult times. However, I know I can never go back if I am to be true to myself.

So why do I use the Star Wars opening line? I think of my time with the church in college as happening in a different universe almost. It may sound ephereal, but very little of that life is familiar to me now. I can look at it now like an image on a monitor and barely recognize it. It's like watching a science fiction film. I can barely believe that was me throwing away those dresses. However, I do understand that day is a big part of who I am now.

So what changed? I started thinking for myself. That may sound like the simplest thing, but it took me so long to figure that out. I accepted everyone's words as gospel and never understood that so many do not have my best interests in mind. I am terrible in political situations, but I am much better at not simply following other's wishes. I choose my own goals. I decide the gameplan and then execute it. I reap the consequences, good, bad, and ugly. I pick myself up, learn from my mistakes and successes, and keep on going. And you know something? I have made more genuine friendships by being true to myself... and yes, you still have to treat others with respect. In doing so, you must respect yourself too. You attract the right people who respect your honestly and dignity.

By the way, none of this involved hypnosis with Ms. Carmen. We were just talking. I wanted to go over my Ghostwalk day. She wanted to encourage me to be happy with how far I've come since that dark December day and to inspire me to continue on the path I'm meant to be on. She is one of many friends who help me be true to myself. I only hope I do the same for them even if they don't always know it.

A New Adventure Realized

2007-11-04T13:07:00.001-05:00

I do apologize for the delay in writing about the ghostwalk at Latta Plantation. While I have been busy with a new job, I have also had difficulties coming to terms with finding a greater meaning in my volunteer job. Finally last night (11/3) at our regular Charlotte Gender Alliance meeting, I had the opportunity to talk about my experience with some of my trans sisters. It is always nice to have good friends as a sounding board of sorts to put things in perspective. They all helped me realize that this was indeed a remarkable thing. I may have forgotten that at some point, but that is part of the learning experience.

I arrived at Latta Plantation about 5pm that Saturday, two hours before the start of the event. I was en femme wearing blue jeans, a light blue sweater, and my favorite black pumps. In speaking with Karen the prior week, I knew I would have my own changing area. That had been my biggest concern.

Walking into the visitor’s center, I was greeted by Nicole, the same young lady that had been so nice to me on my first visit. I talked about my dress of course, and Nicole said she was looking forward to seeing me in it. She suggested I wait for the pizza before changing which was a great idea! I went into the room where the makeup artists were already putting on the white and grey face paint on some of the volunteers. I chatted a bit with everyone until the pizza arrived.

Then it was time to go get the dress from the car and get changed. I can’t explain the feeling carrying the dress inside and upstairs to the changing room. It was like a dream come true. So I starting changing and was finishing buttoning the bodice when I heard a knock at the door. I was looking decent by that point and said to come in. Kristin, the executive director, walked in and immediately complimented me on my dress. She just needed to pick something up and left. I finished buttoning the dress and looked at myself in one of the mirrors. I felt nervousness, excitement, anxiousness… all kinds of emotions including going back to my childhood memories of the lady wearing the dress in the encyclopedia picture. Later I put on the pin brooch which completes the picture you see of me that day.

I took one more walk around the path we would be on that night. I talked with several of the volunteers setting up their scenes. In total, we had 90 dedicated volunteers. I was very proud to be part of that group. Everyone was nice, and I told them I would see them later with some scared visitors.

I talked with Karen, who was in charge of the event planning, when I returned to the building. Karen was the one person the entire time who seemed completely comfortable with me. She called me Stephanie without blinking like it had been my name my entire life. Even though all the staff and volunteers were nice to me, I could see some hesitation when they spoke with me. I did not see that at all with Karen, and that is a credit to her. In all fairness to everyone else, I understand that I am probably one of the more unique volunteers they have seen, and it will take time to develop a greater comfort level.

People started arriving, and the staff began lining everyone up in groups for the first goaround. Being an eager beaver, I volunteered to lead the first group. I opened my mouth, introduced myself, and I could tell that I was being read. I felt my heart drop, and my nervousness reached a level like the first time I tried on women’s clothing. Being somewhat practiced in public speaking, I fell back on what I knew to reach an audience. Where are you from? Is this your first trip here? Oh let me tell you about some of the other events here. That is what composed me more than anything.

Leading that first group, I knew I was a bit of a mess. I held my lantern in one hand and my notes in another. I know my voice was shaking and hand quivering the whole first half of the walk. I even forgot one of the stops (the kitchen where the chefs were serving brains). At some point though, I calmed down enough to start enjoying myself. As I said goodbye to the first group, I could see everyone was smiling in a way that meant they had enjoyed themselves.

For the second group, I decided to ditch my notes to free up a hand. I was given a group to lead again and started to go. “Hi, my name is Stephanie!!” I was quickly held back by a volunteer telling me it wasn’t our turn yet. Oooops. One teenage boy in another group yelled mockingly, “Stephanie.” Not only did I ignore him, but so did everyone else. One minor crisis adverted. The group he was in went on ahead followed by my group. He tried to mock me again a couple of times. Again, he was ignored.

By my third group, I had people asking to take pictures with me. Also some mostly older people were asking politely why I was dressed the way I was. This was one question I had decided ahead of time I would not be offended by. Each time, I answered that I wanted to volunteer in this way, and I had an interest in history and the women’s fashions of the era. If I had time, I would tell the story of the dress too. Everyone seemed to enjoy my stories. I was not confrontational at all. In fact, I felt I was fulfilling my role as a guide and docent by sharing a bit about me and connecting it back to the history of Latta Plantation

A bit about the ghostwalk itself: We started along a wide grassy path which gave me the chance to introduce myself and and prepare the guests for the frights ahead. We then entered a very narrow path through the woods where a Civil War skirmish had flared up yet again. This included soldiers, a burial scene, and a barn scene with a very upset widow. Next was the one room kichen with witches serving brains and asking for donations. We then walked through the lower level of the main house where we witnessed a séance and Mr. Latta’s funeral. That was followed by a walk through the garden with a fake and a living scarecrow. We walked briefly through the slave cabin with some strange noises upstairs. The walk concluded with a trip to the miner’s cabin where we were chased off by a couple of mad miners. Of course, you have to have the fake ending approaching the parking lot. A gun would be shot off, and one more ghost would scare the guests at the end of the line.

One funny note involved going out of the slave cabin. Since the steps were very steep, I used that as a stopping point to warn people to watch their step. I even offered a helpng hand when needed. One about seven year old boy came down and asked, “Why are you dressed like a girl?” I answered sweetly, “Because I want to.” He actually seemed ok with my answer… well as ok as a seven year old could muster.

About 800 people came through the ghostwalk that Saturday night. After two and a half hours and about seven group, my feet gave up the ghost. I sat down with some of the other guides as we recounted our stories. We noted the slight differences on each of our trips which is a tribute to the hard work and ingenuity of the actors. At 10pm, Kristen came out and told everyone to close up shop. I made sure the changing room was clear and went back to my 21st century garb.

Afterwards, I made the rounds thanking everyone especially Nicole and Kristen. I really wanted to thank Karen as well, and I found her closing up the house. I told her how much it meant for me to do this as Stephanie. Karen said she had heard me some throughout the night and thought I did get a good job.

So after all this, what do I take from my trip back to the 19th century? First, I need to be more serious working on my femme voice. I want to be able to go back and forth as I do rely on my male voice for much of my work. Second, I want to do this again, and again, and again. Even with everything that didn’t go quite right, an awful lot went very well. I prefer to look at the positives as a stepping stone to something better while improving where possible on my weaknesses.

The first time doing something is rarely going to be close to perfect. Driving home, I was so focused on the whole experience to the point of becoming overly critical of myself. I felt like I had not done a particular good job despite Karen’s kind words. I was mostly upset at being read consistently. I expected that coming in, but it was still a jolt to my feminine ego. As the week went on, I did begin to realize that I had done well considering everything. I was being the real me in a fully mainstream setting, and I contributed to a very well produced volunteer effort. That is certainly something to hang your heels on.

Last night at my group meeting, everyone was so proud that I had done this. It really was something different and exciting. Jennifer (who is a post-op TS) even told me riding to the club afterwards, “That took some balls.” By doing this in my own way, I can help the community in my own way. And yes… I had fun! I fulfilled a childhood dream. Even better, the future possibilities are as wide as that sunset sky over Tara in Gone With the Wind. Yes, I will return to make more antebellum trips back to Latta Plantation.

Latta Plantation Ghostwalk

2007-10-27T23:35:00.000-04:00

Since I've been writing so much about my new adventure, I thought it only fair to give you a live update of sorts. My feet are about to fall off as we had a huge crowd at the Latta Plantation Ghostwalk. Everything went pretty well. I got lots of compliments on my dress along with a lot of questions. I'll write in more detail about those later. Karen had some nice things to say at the end to me, and I thanked her very much for the opportunity. More to come at a later time. Time for beauty sleep here. I'll rest well having lived and done something that has been a long time in coming.

Fashion: Short vs Long

2007-10-21T11:50:00.000-04:00

One of my frustrations in fashion for men and women is how we get stuck on certain trends. It is interesting to note in some of those old faded pictures from the 60's and 70's how everyone looks like they are dressed alike. Some of the styles would actually look fine for today. In fact, you can barely tell the era of the photo if not for the fading. Some styles look very dated and never return except for costume parties. I always wonder when fashion designers decide to put a certain style to death (pussy bow blouses for example).

There is a very telling scene early in the movie The Devil Wears Prada where Anne Hathaway's character Andera chuckled at the angst over the choice of a belt for a particular outfit. Merryl Streep's character Miranda then proceeds to figuratively undress Andrea by telling her the blue color of her now unstylish sweater was in reality chosen several years earlier as one of the "in" colors which then trickled its way into the less chic department stores. Miranda gave the very clear impression that they picked what we all would wear.

I many times feel the same way when entering a store. I have a pretty general idea of what I like... long flowing skirts, solid colors, not a lot of frill, no embroidery, and classic styles that will always match well with other outfits. When looking for formal dresses, I almost always go with long and poofy. I want the skirt to have some shape. If I don't find what I'm looking for, I usually will not buy anything. I have tried to get into the habit of trying on at least one piece each trip that I might not have considered. I am sometime surprised which makes it worth the effort.

This brings me to the title of the post. Friday I attended a high school football game that was also a homecoming. It was a great atmosphere with a full crowd and perfect weather. The home team is also having one of its best years ever and won this game as well. I have enjoyed homecomings to watch the styles of the dresses worn by the young ladies. I love the elegance of dresses, and they always look very pretty. I was disappointed this year though that all the ladies, freshman through senior classes, chose a very similar style as displayed above (from David's Bridal): v-neck, knee to tea length skirt. Not a single dress was longer than tea length. Now I know in recent years, some of the homecoming court would wear long ankle or even floor dresses. Not a single girl did this year. As lovely as they looked, I was still somewhat aghast at the sameness. Did everyone shop at the same store?

I even counted about four of the same dresses to the left. I usually don't get hung up if I see two or three women wearing the same dress, but four was a bit much. Even if another lady is wearing the same dress as me, I just think we both have great taste. However I know I am in the minority when it comes to liking the longer dresses. Shorter dresses are considered sexier not to mention easier to walk in. However the longer dresses are more fun to me. You can be sexy up top with a strapless or princess cut and still be a lady with the skirt. Of course, I love the rustle and swish of a skirt with a crinoline and the way it feels against smooth nyloned legs. It's an indescribable feeling. An even better feeling was knowing how unique I was with my favorite dress, and I was completely accepted for my uniqueness above and beyond the dress.

So here's to hoping that the longer dresses make a comeback in 2008. Even looking at the prom styles at websites, there may be hope for us yet.

A Place to be Southern Belle With Picture

2007-10-11T00:06:00.000-04:00

Here is the dress I'll be wearing the night of October 27th at Latta Plantation. I like to dress well when traveling in my time machine!

New Email

2007-10-05T08:09:00.000-04:00

Just as the title says, I have a new email now! It is promqueen@ctc.net I felt fortunate to keep the promqueen name! I thought I'd wear white for the new marriage.

Employment Non Discrimination Act (ENDA)

2007-10-04T10:45:00.000-04:00

I usually try to limit the discussion of politics on this blog. As the name of the blog suggests, I enjoy my prom dresses very much. I also am very thankful for the many friends I have in the community and the opportunities to get out. My belief is that the positive experiences we have in the mainstream world is what will change the hearts and minds of that world. However there are times when legislation written on a piece of paper is necessary to help pave that path. Such is the case with ENDA.

Many in the transgender community subscribe to any number of message boards and are aware of the events of the last eight days. In short, the ENDA legislation would add sexual orientation and gender identity to the list of federally protected classes. A person could not be denied employment or dismissed from a job based on the above. Such legislation was started way back in 1994 and was finally set to come to a vote in the Houuse of Representatives this month. The liklihood is any ENDA bill passed would be vetoed by President George Bush. However, it would set a precedent for a similar bill with a new president in 2009.

Eight days ago (September 26, 2007), rumors started circulating that the transgender provision in the bill had been removed after a polling indicated ENDA did not have sufficient votes to pass the House. The rumors quickly turned to hard news that Democratic Party leaders lead by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had indeed removed the transgender provision. This lead to a firestorm in which several GLBT groups and leaders crafted a letter strongly opposing ENDA without the transgender protections. The one group noticeably missing from the signees: Human Rights Campaign (HRC).

HRC in 2004 voted to support ENDA with a transgender clause. This has helped them draw from a huge well of transgender support lead by the amazing Donna Rose who was the only TG on the HRC Board of Directors. I along with many local TG sisters felt this unity just a few months ago at the North Carolina HRC Gala in February. I felt like we had found a group to align with that would fight for all of us. Even though HRC had a history of leaving out the T in GLBT, many in the community believed that HRC lead by Joe Solomonese would take care of the entire umbrella. My belief was strongly validated by Solomonese's speech at SCC 2007. Imagine how we all felt when HRC did not immediately jump on board to oppose the newly crafted ENDA. HRC waited until Monday, October 1 (five days later) to hold a board meeting and vote to reaffirm the position they had voted on in 2004. HRC did add its name to a new letter which unfortunately does not adamantly oppose the new ENDA. HRC essentially has said while they will not support ENDA, they will not actively oppose it either. To be fair, HRC has started a last ditch effort to rally support as Speaker Pelosi was convinced to delay the markup of the bill. I fear however it is too little too late.

This fence sitting stance by HRC has forced many in the community to make some difficult decisions. Donna Rose made her resignation letter public. She also has an excellent timeline from her perspective inside the beltway. I know of one friend who made a similar decision on a local level. All I can say is I am very disappointed. I know the decision to step away from HRC is an immensely painful one on many levels. Leaving friends you have worked closely with on key legislation is not easy.

I also believe that HRC is not on solid ground in terms of representing the GLBT community. The outpouring of support at the end of last week from so many groups indicate that the transgender community has earned the respect of ther gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. They understand that equal rights for some are not truly rights as stated so eloquently by Martin Luther King Jr. I wish the spirit felt at the HRC Gala in February could be transmitted to Washington, DC. We felt so genuinely loved and respected. The conversations were amazing. At some point, there is a disconnect between the real world and the "inside the beltway" world. If they would truly come down from their glass toweres, they would get an inkling of what we are about. They would then understand the mistake they have made.

A Place to be a Southern Belle Part 2

2007-09-27T23:33:00.000-04:00

I wanted to share my latest news about my latest upcoming adventure. Most of you know I have a love for prom and formal dresses. This goes back to my earliest memories of knowing that I liked women's clothing. I found I also liked the Civil War era dresses with the big hoop skirts. Of course, its a whole lot easier to find the prom dresses than those big Civil War gowns. Still I have had two custom made for me in recent years. I was left with one problem... where to wear them? I enjoyed the history side of it as well (I am quite the History Channel geek) and decided to start checking out local historical sites.

In late August, I visited en femme a historical site in Charlotte called Latta Plantation. I asked about times I could return in period costume. Their Halloween and Christmas events were recommended to me. I emailed the volunteer coordinator about working at the Halloween event (the Ghost Walk). I was upfront about my desire to be a female character since I am transgendered. She responded saying they could probably use me as a guide and to stay in touch. I offered my services as a guide for one of the nights.

Yesterday I received an email back from her saying I was on the schedule as a guide for Saturday night, October 27th. I will be leading visitors from haunt to haunt telling scary stories along the way. Oh yes, I will be dressed as a Civil War era southern woman. This is exciting for me on so many levels. I do have a genuine interest in the history of the region so it will be more than just the thrill of being en femme. I still live so much of my life in boy mode, but I want the experience of doing something real as Stephanie. Volunteering is one way I can get my feet dirty in the real world. It is a little scary but exciting at the same time knowing I will be in a completely mainstream setting without the safety net of a group. I will get read. There's just no way around it. However, I am understanding more and more that people are fine with me because I am fine with me. They see that growing self assuredness and honesty, and people can accept it.

I would be remiss if I didn't invite everyone! The Ghost Walk at Latta Plantation is 7-10pm Oct. 26th-27th. I will be working the Saturday (Oct 27th) night only. Admission is $7. Latta Plantation is north of Charlotte near Huntersville. You can find more information at http://www.lattaplantation.org We will be having a work session October 14th. I will have more details to post after that.

TG in the Workplace

2007-09-24T22:28:00.000-04:00

Some of this is heavy material, but it is worth reading. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) recently posted its Corporate Equality Index (CEI) for 2008. Unfortunately, activists in the TG community have pointed out (and rightfully so) that it falls far short in covering the "T" in GLBT. My short response is that we still have a long way to go in terms of educating the business and corporate world about us. This is a short list of articles explaining and commentating on this in more detail.

Corporate Support for the Trans by Donna Rose

The Blue and Yellow Stepchild by Marty Abernathy

HRC Corporate Equality Index: Rating Criteria

Transitioning into New Jobs and Genders (Los Angeles Times article on the First Transgender Career Expo at SCC)

Southern Comfort 2007

2007-09-17T12:38:00.000-04:00

Whew!! It's over, and I feel like I'm in a period of detox. I'll have more substantial material about SCC 2007 at some point, but suffice to say it is truly a climb to the mountaintop where I can breathe the rarified air of the essence of the transgender community. Unfortunately you do have to come down at some point, but at least I can bottle some of that air to carry me through the real world. Being around an estimated one thousand of your sisters and brothers and especially working with some of the best in the community is truly an experience beyond words.

Here is part of what I wrote in the Kappa Beta Yahoo Group:

It was also my pleasure to work along side Kari and Marilyn as volunteers at SCC even though we were in different departments. My body and mind are still recovering from what is always a life changing week. This week was a big longer as I arrived on Tuesday, worked Wednesday in drab setting up the ballroom, and then spent the next three days en femme as part as the tech crew. As a volunteer, you truly understand that things don't just happen on their own. It requires so much work and planning from a tremendous group of talented and dedicated people to make the conference "just happen."

I was very honored to be part of that group, and it was made even better because I worked as the real me. The wonderful ladies who make up the tech crew were gentle with this newbie as they showed me where to put that wrench, tighten that screw, and move that light. Hopefully I held up my end with some good camera work. The play Saturday night in particular allowed the video crew to shine with some nice close-ups that most in the audience would have missed without the big screens.

Of course, it is always nice to see the old friends and make new ones. I was constantly apologizing for cutting off conversations to hurry to the next tech setup. I renewed acquaintances with at least two people who have known me since the "beginning", i.e. the time in internet chat before Kappa Beta. I also met one young woman named Millie who was at SCC three days. I asked, "Oh, your first Southern Comfort?" "No," she replied. "My first three days out period."

That is the magic of SCC. It is expensive, but it is worth saving up for. I'm already planning for 2008.

It is an emotional experience especially with my volunteer efforts. I now know just a little of what it takes to put such a conference together. Thank you does not seem to be near enough to both the organizers and the attendees. That is part of why I feel moved to continue to give back.

September 11th Reflections

2007-09-10T17:47:00.000-04:00

The video of the attacks on the World Trade Center towers in New York City six years ago tomorrow still creates a hollow place in my stomach. The memories of feelings of dread and helplessness from that week seem so real. One of my high school classmates was on one of those planes. I think of the lost dreams and lives from the thousands who are no longer with us, and it gives me the realization that I must live life while it is still with me.

I will try to keep this as unpolitical as possible as the discussions over the American lead wars since that day are totally legitiate and reasonable. The one thought that crowds my mind is that a group of people on the other side of the globe felt like they had the right to impose their way of life on us. They were so strong in their beliefs that they felt (and still feel) fully justified in killing indiscriminately. How does this affect the transgender community? Clearly we are a group that many religious extremists around the world are uncomfortable with. It is safe to say that they look on us with utter contempt. In a country run as a theocracy, the rights of TG people would be the first to go. The good news is more of the mainstream public is being to understand that our rights are worth fighting for. In reality our rights are the same as everyone's rights... to be ourselves in such a way that doesn't take the same right away from others.

So in a way, the spirit of September 11th moves me to discover myself more. That exploration connects me not only with my inner soul but also with the rest of the world. As I understand myself better, I understand the world better. This is part of the gift of a dual gender. I can still cry when watching the towers tumble and rejoice as the phoenix rising from the ashes.

For Your Listening Pleasure

2007-09-06T19:53:00.000-04:00

We've been having a wonderful time at the Community Kink chat room on Wednesday nights at 9pm ET for Fabulous Femme chat. Ms. Carmen is on the radio live, and Ms. Cecilia hosts the chat. Ms. Cecilia always tapes a report for the show, and her last one was on the topic of the differences between men and women and how it relates to transgender folks. It's a free download and well worth the listen.

Ms. Cecilia - The Differences Between Men and Women

A Place to be a Southern Belle

2007-09-01T11:01:00.000-04:00

Another day, another outing, another new thing for Stephanie. Those who read this blog regularly know I have a fledgling interest in Civil War history and of course the big beautiful women's gowns from that era. To recap, I have two custom made Civil War style dresses including one that is based on an encyclopedia picture from my childhood that I recently rediscovered. I even identified myself as a crossdresser to the online seamstress that made this second dress for me, and she was incredibly friendly throughout. The whole story is at My Dream Dress posted in July.

Yesterday, I made a visit to Latta Plantation north of Charlotte, NC. Latta was at it height during the early 19th century and has events based on both the Revolutionary War and Civil War. This was my first such trip en femme, and I dressed fairly casually. I wanted to inquire about which events would be appropriate to dress in period costume. After paying my $6 for the tour, I spoke with one of the ladies dressed in a 21st century tshirt and jeans. She walked me through the events that might work but seemed somewhat non-commital even saying it wasn't illegal for me to come dressed that way. I didn't get the best vibes from her, but at least she had been honest about the possibilities.

Afterwards, I walked with the tour group which included a few small children. One little blonde gal kept looking up at me like she couldn't figure me out. As the site was short of staff for the Labor Day weekend, our tour was lead by the farm manager Ken. He turned out to be very nice and also was a godsend for the young children as he extended the tour to include all the farm animals. We met all the chickens, roosters, sheep, horses, mules, donkeys, and even a pygmey hog named Fat Boy whose days were numbered. While Ken kept the tour fun for all, I was thinking I had fallen short in my quest. I had not seen anyone dressed for the 19th century.

Upon my return to the visitor center, I was greeted by a young blonde named Nicole who was dressed in a lovely simple blue colonial dress. Finally! She said I was welcome back anytime and went on to say that many regular visitors do show up dressed in costume. She went on to recommend a few more events that might work for me. I told her about my two dresses, and she seemed genuinely interested in my stories. So I have a few dates to add to my calendar when I can play southern belle for a day. I might even recruit a few fellow belles to join me.

I will continue to look for similar historical sites. Who knows? One day, I might be the one giving the tour.

A Woman's Prerogative

2007-08-26T12:40:00.000-04:00

It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. We've heard that saying a million times. As a man, I never really understood it. Men are trained as leaders to make a decision and stick with it no matter the consequences. Never mind the iceberg just up ahead. Stay the course. Don't be indecisive or waffling. Even if that choice leads you and everyone else over a cliff, it doesn't matter. You made the decision, and that makes you a real man.

I had a situation yesterday that made me understand for the briefest of moments that it is ok to change your mind. I went in with one assumption about what was right and came out with something very different. And wouldn't you guess it? It involved buying a formal dress. Now tell me how many of you are really surprised?

Let me preface this by saying Saturday was one of the most full scheduled femme days ever. I started the day by spending a couple of hours at Pride Day in Charlotte with my good friend Pamela Jones. We set up a table for NC TG Unity. The spirit was very strong, and it makes me very hopeful for the Charlotte GLBT community. I finished the day with the Transcarolina group in Greensboro at Warehouse 29. It was fun to see some old friends and make new ones. I have to admit I am not big on clubbing. However I do enjoy people watching, and that part of the show is always fascinating at Warehouse.

In between all that involved some very important shopping. I had a running list in my mind of what I wanted, and I think I checked off my whole list except for some new jewelry. Sorry Ms. Carmen! After checking into my hotel in Greensboro, I was off to my favorite department store Kohls. I love Kohls as I think they have the best combination of prices and clothes. The damage at Kohls was a new cream silky slip (feels so nice) and a couple of eyeshadows.

My next stop was David's Bridal where I wanted to buy a dress for the Saturday night gala at Southern Comfort. This is where I had my mind changing experience. Now you may be asking, "Stephanie, don't you have plenty of dresses?" Yes, but they're all floor length which is the style I love. However, this year at SCC, I'll be working with the video crew at SCC, and I need something I can move around in. I was thinking something knee length and free flowing. Immediately the saleslady found something in blue that I liked. It was cute, and the material felt really luxurious. It seemed to fit the bill.

I asked her if I could look around some more. Shortly I found a black tea length halter top number made of organza that was calling my name. I never even tried on the blue dress as I loved the black dress that much. It occurred to me that the black dress was a better choice as I didn't have any dresses in black. It was much more sophisticated than my first choice. It is also a dress that I can wear a number of places. The important thing is I liked the way I looked in it. So imagine the pic at the top in black, and that is the newest formal in Stephanie's prom closet.

The funny thing is I never would have picked out the dress from a catalog. While the internet and mail order are wonderful things, nothing beats trying clothes in person in front of a mirror. In fact, I was saved one skirt purchase at Kohls after trying on a skirt I thought I would like and having the mirror prove me wrong. It truly is a feminine experience trying on clothes and being surprised (in both good and bad ways) by the results. Many personal shoppers even suggest to try on at least one outfit that you normally wouldn't wear. Pretty good advice I would say.

I finished my shopping spree with a flirty skirt for the night from Fashion Bug and then a manicure. Have I even mentioned I was totally at ease en femme with the thermometer touching the upper 90's? Most of the stores were fairly crowded, but I was just another young woman shopping. I become more comfortable each time. I know how to shop better, and it saves me from making some bad choices. And you know... it is ok to change your mind especially when formal dresses are concerned!

Songs That Make Me Cry

2007-08-21T22:20:00.000-04:00

Most people put at least one iPod or iTunes list on their blog. As a guy, I would never consider making this list. The reason is that I couldn't explain why I cry at certain things. However Ms. Carmen told me that one of the great things about being a woman is a release for overwhelming emotions. It has to come out somehow, someway. Even Mr. Darling on Andy Griffith never gave an explanation. He just said, "That one makes me cry," and Andy would pick (literally) another tune. So here are off the top of my head some songs that make me cry.

1. Forever Autumn - Justin Hayward
2. Watching and Waiting - The Moody Blues
3. Will the Circle be Unbroken
4. There is a Time
5. What's the Name of the Game - ABBA
6. It's Too Late - Carole King
7. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day
8. Rainy Days and Mondays - The Carpenters
9. Come Monday - Jimmy Buffett
10. Fly Away - John Denver
11. Who Are You Now - Blue Jays
12. Beth - KISS
13. Amazing Grace (on bagpipes)

Dress Montage

2007-08-16T17:32:00.000-04:00

A little dress collage from over the years. I have featured five of the dresses in stories so far. From L-R...

1) Royal blue dress
2) Fuschia dress
3) Wine dress
4) Teal dress
5) Peach dress
6) Debutante dress

Larry King Show Review

2007-08-13T14:30:00.000-04:00

I am not disappointed I watched the Larry King Show on CNN Friday night. I was immensely proud of all the guests as they represented themselves and the community quite well. However, I was somewhat disturbed by Mr. King's line of questioning. Larry King is a multiple award winner and has been long been regarded as an important figure in broadcasting. He is someone I admired as I startd my broadcast career a year before he finished his long running syndicated radio show. I must say I have rarely watched his CNN show except when issues of major importance to me were featured. In other words... not very much.

I understand Larry King Live still has good ratings for a cable show. However, in looking back at some of his guest lists, he does rely on somewhat sensationalized topics. Maybe that is how be approached Friday night's show. Mr. King is notorious for his minimal pre-show preparation. I have learned he didn't even talk to any of the guests prior to the show. I understand he wants to come across as unbiased. In this day and age and with his salary, Larry King can stand to adapt to modern expections of good journalistic preparation. On the plus side, he did allow the guests just enough breathing room in their answers to come across as real people. They are the reason the show ultimately succeeded.

The positive in a talk show format is that good articulate guests with interesting stories make for strong television. There is no live interactive audience to shout you down, and a Larry King show will be much more fair to the guests than Jerry Springer. Of course, the types of guests (and therefore the audience) on each show is far different. While Larry King may feature sensational topics, he does allow room for a fair discussion. It could also be argued that he asks questions that the normal American tv viewer might ask. I thought the panelists particularly Jessica handled them all very well.

The one theme from the show was that everyone has a different path in life. Even within the TG community, there is so much diversity. Each of the TG guests was at a different point of transition. Each had experienced difficulties with family and job. Even Jessica who appears to be the most fully realized as a post-op has to deal with an unsupportive mother. We know Susan Stanton has had to turn her life around in a relatively short time and fortunately can live very well on the speaking circuit. That doesn't mean her life is easy. In the end, everyone has to do what works for them. By featuring positive images of the community, we give each other the strength to find our own path. To know you are not alone on your journey is truly a powerful message.

Larry King Tonight at 9pm

2007-08-10T16:21:00.000-04:00

Set your DVRs/TIVOs tonight for 9pm ET on CNN for Larry King Live. The tease is:

Men who have surgery to become women, women who become men. Go inside the world of transgender people.

The poll question on the the front page is straight forward: Have you ever wished you could be the opposite sex? At the posting of the blog the answers are running 25% yes/ 75% no. Oh I did vote yes. That doesn't mean I want to have surgery at this very moment or even in the near future or ever. Has the thought crossed my mind at points in my life, and are there times I would have said yes? You better believe it.

Larry King Live website

On another subject, I watched very little of the Democratic presidential candidates debate on Logo, the gay themed cable network although I did see some of the recaps. Part of me is delighted as a transgender person that the candidates gave this serious time. I am also somewhat thrilled that the 2008 election affords citizens of this great nation an opprtunity to cover so many issues with the candidates. However, it is still a long ways until the first primaries and caucuses in January not to mention the fact that the voters of North Carolina rarely have a chance to affect the vote in the primaries. I will be interested how the candidates handle themselves barring some great national crisis once Christmas rolls around. I expect the issues will not change much, but the writing may already be on the wall in regards to a favorite for both parties by that time.

The realistic side of me is still somewhat pessimistic in regards to GLBT causes. If the gay community believes the Democratic Party is their great salvation, they will be in for a rude awakening. Even a large number of Republicans will start supporting us when it becomes politically expedient. So much of politics is about the ability to raise money and then turn that money into votes.

The reverse of that is that the candidates will say whatever we, the people, want to hear. If the vast majority of voters do not support our causes, the candidates will not give it much more than lip service. That is why the real work occurs at the grassroot level in the form of education, and education is something that happens everyday everywhere from the churches to the grocery stores. There will also be a percentage of people that will never change their minds about us. We will never reach them unfortunately. Most who see us simply living our lives and giving to the community have and will over time be more supportive. It does take time, but we have seen positive results. Hopefully the candidates in 2012 and onward will be more aware of the groundswell of tolerance and maybe even admiration for those in the community. Then we will become a true participant in the affairs of the nation.

New Chat Time!

2007-08-07T11:13:00.000-04:00

Story Behind the Dress #5

2007-08-06T19:51:00.000-04:00

With the thermometer here in the not so deep south threatening triple digits for the next three days, I thought it was time for another edition of the ever popular dress series. While lemonade and sweet iced tea are acceptable remedies for the hot weather in this part of the country, I also enjoy thinking about the cooler seasons.

This particular dress certainly qualifies as it is what I regard as my Christmas dress. I have worn it many times to Kappa Beta Chrismas parties and other yuletide occasions. I bought it at a consignment shop in Fayetteville in fall 1998. This was a special trip as I got to meet several of the local sisters including the fantastic Kathy Louise. The consignment shop was run by a supportive woman and opened especially for us after hours. A couple of the wives also showed up. This was probably the first time I had gotten a real woman's advice as I tried on outfits which was very much appreciated. I ended up buying this dress along with a fuschia prom dress which I will feature later.

The dress is admittedly a different style from some of my prom dresses. Some would even say it is a bit conservative. I like it for several reasons. The slightly silky cloth material feels wonderful particularly in the skirt. The ankle length skirt also has a good sway to it which always rates high in my book. I love the contrast of the maroon and the ivory lace. Notice the short ivory heels in the pic which match the lace very well. No gloves or fancy jewelry are needed with this frock although I do enjoy the matching lipstick an blush.

Finally, while maybe not appropriate for a more formal outing, the dress is perfect for holidays and semi formals. Its one of my few dressier outfits where I really don't have to worry about walking. Its pretty much a put on and go outfit... not a lot of fuss involved. I don't have to think about a floor length skirt, tons of ruffles, or a strapless outfit. While I love all of the above, there are times when I don't want all the hassle.

I still have this dress in my closet, and it still has a place in my heart. Maybe if I wear it, the mercury will retreat to double digits. Well a girl can dream, can't she?

Something in the Water

2007-08-02T19:49:00.000-04:00

One of the things that amazed me when I started going out over nine years ago is the richness of the transgendered community in the Carolinas. I don't know if this is possible to determine, but it seems this region has a larger than average number of TG folks and therefore a large number of groups. I will try to keep up to date the local list to the right sidebar. I believe there is one or more groups that all of us can find a home. I will explain why below.

For the first several months of 1998, I visited only Kappa Beta as it was convenient for me and provided fantastic support. Kappa Beta will always have a special place in my heart as that is where I came out. KB is a Tri-ess affiliate which means that it is primarily for heterosexual crossdressers and their wives/girlfriends. It is also mainly a social group which is very helpful for the new girls. KB meets once a month in Charlotte, NC and has been my most regular outlet. The one thing I am very proud of concerning KB is their inclusion to not just crossdressers in the TG community. It is vital that even in a social and someone less serious setting that we all mingle. I know I have learned so much about the TG community and also myself.

The other type of group is generally called "open" groups which involve more serious discussion of TG issues. I first visited Phoenix in Asheville in July, 1998 and broadened my horizons immensely. Phoenix is lead by Holly Boswell and Jessica Britton and has been going strong for almost 21 years. Holly and Jessica's involvement with the community on a national level gives Phoenix an amazing depth of experience and knowledge. My first trip was a bit overwhelming to say the least. I'm not sure I was quite ready, but much of what I learned has stayed with me. I'm sure a return trip to Asheville is in the works. Similar groups include Triad Gender Association (TGA) in Greensboro and the newly formed Charlotte Gender Alliance (CGA) in Charlotte. They both meet monthly. If you attend any open group meeting, be prepared to tell a little about yourself, and seriously listen to the concerns of your sisters and brothers in the TG community.

One of the great success stories is Trans-Carolina lead by Janice. They started out as a place for TG girls and supporters simply to meet at various places across the Carolinas and has now grown into a 501(c) non-profit that will soon be donating to worthy causes in the TG community. I have yet to attend one of their soirees, but Trans-Carolina has brought a spirit to the region that has been missing for some time. I will talk more about them once I actually get to the group. Let's just say for now I am quite impressed as Trans-Carolina is the closest thing to a unified Carolinas TG group.

I have not even touched on groups in Chapel Hill, Raleigh, Fayetteville, and Myrtle Beach. All of the above groups have web and Yahoo Group connections. Simply email the contact on the web pages for more info. I am very proud of those involved and their efforts to bring us all together. As I said in the open, there is a place for each of us somewhere in the TG spectrum of groups. Make every effort to find and then to contribute to yours.

No Limits

2007-07-29T18:58:00.000-04:00

I had a wonderful hypnosis session with Carmen Friday afternoon. It had been a while since we had talked due to vacations, moving, family visits, etc. Prior to all this I had her do a custom hypnosis CD for me which served as a wonderful booster in the interim. The CD session reaffirmed my ever growing feminine identity. I truly am Stephanie, and she will not be denied.

While not going into all the details of our session, I do want to share I discussed with Carmen my desire to find a girlfriend that truly appreciates me as a woman. Part of the conversation prior to our session involved me talking about playing the dating game. In that game, I felt pigeonholed into playing the role of the man... i.e. find the girl, go out, get married, get a house, have three kids, etc. Carmen said, "But that's not who you are." I had been approaching the dating game as if I were a man looking for a woman, but I really am a woman looking for a woman. Once again I had let society dictate the rules.

In my hypnosis sessions with Carmen, many of my revelations and insights don't come immediately. This time though, one phrase stood out. One of the final thoughts she gave me was "no obstacles." I knew I had heard something similar in Star Trek. I found it in Gene Roddenberry's closing comments on the original pilot called "The Cage." Roddenberry is talking the potential of mankind. He then steps in the transporter chamber and says, "For us... no limits" before beaming off.

I initially wrote Carmen back seeing it as a challenge to not be satisfied with your current state of affairs. The more I think about it though, it goes far beyond that. I have to stop creating obstacles to my happiness. There are enough legitimate problems in this world without creating more of them. Even with those, there will always be a solution. My happiness and fulfillment is simply too important to let society's rules get in the way. They don't work for everyone particularly when it comes to falling in love. The gay community has known this for a long time that it's the person and not the packaging that you fall in love with. So when I hear the phrase "No Limits," that is one area of my life where I must truly live it. Carmen has said there is someone out there for me, and I have so much to offer. In a sense, I am cheating two people... myself and my future partner. That's why I have my bridal picture above. A girl has to plan ahead, ya know! ;)

I will leave you with a picture of Carmen because I think she is a beautiful person inside and out. Yes, I am one of her hypnosis clients, but we are also friends. I would encourage anyone seeking to learn more about their feminine side to drop her a line. She has challenged me with a mission of sorts to find that special someone. Yes, there will be hurt, but there will be also be tremendous joy and fulfillment that cannot be found any other way. Another reason she is a friend is she knows how to bring out the best in me. I can only hope I do the same for her from time to time.

New FAQ (cont.) #2 - How often do you go out en femme? What do you do?

2007-07-24T11:45:00.000-04:00

I average going out en femme once a week now. I am so blessed that if I wanted to I could go out almost every Saturday to some group in the Carolinas. If it wasn't for my work schedule, I probably would! I love meeting new people and hearing their stories. Depending on the group setup, we usually have some combination of dinner, clubbing, and group discussion. I learn so much and feel so supported by being around the transgendered community. Look to the right sidebar of this blog for links to some of the TG groups in the Carolinas. You will find them all quite supportive.

One thing I have become much more comfortable doing is going out solo. These solo outings involve trips to the nail salon, malls, and restaurants. I love getting my nails done particularly pedicures. I recommend everyone try it at least once! I am also comfortable going to the makeup counter especially MAC. It's nice to have a real woman help make your face pretty. In recent years, I have never had a problem being on my own. I will say I never go out in my hometown, but I do go to nearby Charlotte quite often. I still have to be careful in regards to my male identity. So if you see me around NorthLake , South Park, or Concord Mills, feel free to say hello!

My Dream Dress

2007-07-20T21:05:00.000-04:00

I promise I will get to some more meaty material in the future. My clothes are such a big part of me however. Like any woman, they reflect your personality and mood. The choices in color, material, and cut are limitless. From casual to formal, women's fashions really give the wearer a greater opportunity to express themselves.

The ultimate expression in an outfit may be one that is custom made for you. You don't buy it off the rack in a department store or from leftovers at a yard sale. It can be completely unique, and it is made with you in mind. This is the dress I am having custom made for me:

Now you may be asking... isn't this dress a bit impractical? Yes, it is completely impractical! This dress is in the neighbourhood of 150 years old. You don't see women at Wal-Mart wearing these much less at more formal gatherings. In fact, the only place one can see something similar is at Civil War reenactments or other similar historical tours. And I love it!

I've been in love with this dress and this picture since a fairly young age (probably around age eight). This picture is from volume 4 (Ci to Cz) of the World Book Encyclopedia 50th Anniversary Edition in 1967. The entry under "Clothing" had a wonderful color spread of artists renderings of fashions through the ages. My grandparents had a full set of these encyclopedias, and I was in love with this picture.

Even at that young age, I knew I was more intrigued with the women's fashions of yesteryear than the men's. I would sneak this volume up into my bedroom every night. Several dresses caught my attention, but I always came back to the one in the above picture. I had no idea at the time about the parts of the dress or what was underneath like the hoop skirt. I just wanted to wear the dress and know how it felt to wear it. I even started having dreams about meeting this women and begging her to dress me. No, this did not lead to any fantasies of forced feminization, but that was the only way I could picture it at that age.

As I grew into my teen years and older, the thoughts of crossdressing faded away as I tried to repress my feminine thoughts. I would still check out that volume from time to time to keep the image fresh in my mind. At some point, the encyclopedias were taken out for a newer edition. By that time, it didn't seem to matter as I was living on my own and spending less time at my grandparents house. When I started going out in 1998 and finding formal dresses for the first time, I felt like I had found heaven on earth.

Fast forward to 2007. Now a History Channel geek for a few years, I now knew how and why the skirts on Civil War era dresses were shaped that way. Having recently bought several expensive dresses that fulfilled longtime desires (the debutante dress, a wedding dress, and the strapless pink gown), I decided to try to look into finding the Civil War dress once again. Not finding the picture online, I logged onto eBay and was able to order the exact volume of the World Book Encyclopedia for a mere $8. I eagerly awaited its arrival. It was like an old friend returning home, and I didn't have to hide it this time. The picture was there just like I remembered it.

After scanning the page so I would never ever lose it again, it was time to contact someone to make the dress. I wrestled with the thought of presenting myself as a real woman versus a male crossdresser. However, in a moment of either incredible courage or stupidity, I wrote Heather (aka the Very Merry Seamstress) as my male self. Having read her blog, The Daily Stitch, she seemed like an open minded person, and I really liked her work. I was a little bit apprehensive. I wrote the following email:

Hi,

I am interested in information about having a dress made for myself. I am a male crossdresser with an interest in women's Civil War costumes. I have a picture from an encyclopedia that I have always liked that I need to have scanned. I wanted to see if this would be a good starting point for making the dress.

Thank you, and I enjoy your website very much!

She wrote back:

****, sure! Send us what you have and we'll be happy to do an estimate.

Much like my experience at the bridal shop, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. In future emails, Heather even said she looked forward to working with me. While I know any good business will accept our money, I am still very thankful for the kindness and understanding shown to us special girls. I placed an order with her, and I should have the dress by the end of August. Yes, yes, pictures will follow!

My next goal is to find a way to wear this dress in public at some sort of historical function. I would love to give a tour of some of the old mansions dressed as a beautiful southern belle. I have no idea how this would go over, but I do have a strong interest in all types of history. This is not for the thrill of wearing the dress in public. I want to do a real tour and represent living history for an audience. If it's anything like my past endeavors, I am sure I will find a way.

Prom Queen Wears Jeans

2007-07-17T18:32:00.000-04:00

This last weekend at the SCC planning meeting was truly inspirational. If you havn't already, click on the the Southern Comfort link to the right to learn more. Friday night, we listened to an all TG girl band called Jezebel at Stage Door in Tucker, Ga. We liked them so much we invited them to perform at SCC. A good number of the planning committee were there to give their thumbs-up. It wasn't an overly dressy occasion, but I wore a new gray patterned sleeveless top and my long black velvet skirt with my new dark brown open heeled platform shoes.

Everyone woke up somewhat bleary eyed for the planning meeting itself the next morning at the hotel. I wanted to be comfortably dressed but still look nice. I chose a cream knit sleeveless top with a long light green cotton skirt and silver ballet type flats. I seemed to fit in a little better as some still chose casual, but many dressed quite similar to me. I love wearing my long skirts no matter the time or occasion.

I thought that would be my last femme outfit for the trip as I had scheduled some work for my male side filming a race an hour away. At noon, I went up to my room (which I nicknamed the telephone booth) and did the quick change into guy mode. I wore shorts, t-shirt, and comfortable tennis shoes. Yes, I don't go into much detail when describing my guy clothes. Long story short... race was rained out so I returned back to Atlanta. There went six hours of my life.

So now I had a conundrum. I was quite exhausted, but one more social mixer had been planned for that night. In fact, it was no more than 100 feet away on the same floor as my room. My body was aching and ready for bed. I gave in... for fifteen minutes! Something inside of me said it was worth getting back up and heading to the party.

So in the shower I went. Then came the third shave to my sore face in just over 24 hours. Time for the makeup. Ok... passable. Now what to wear? I still had a short skirt and a top left. Looking at my hairy legs said the short skirt would not be a good idea. But I loved the new short sleeved lacy cream top. So... on came the guy jeans, guy tennis shoes, and guy socks and the new top. I even skipped my bra and breast forms due to my sore back. Final touch as always was my long sandy blonde wig. One final check, and I was ready to go.

I was initially a touch dismayed when I arrived at the mixer as most had chosen to dress up. Usually I would feel right at home as I love to wear my dressy outfits too. However everyone was glad to see me although a bit surprised since I had not planned on being there. A further look around the guests, and I noticed I fit right in. I met several new people and furthered many friendships with some wonderful coversations. Thanks goes to Wes, Elaine, Jessica, Chissy, and Phyllis for chatting me up that night. You made this girl feel very welcome and loved.

At this point, you may notice my obsession with my and others choice of clothes. I do try to be very aware of the setting and the appropriate dress. More and more, I am finding it is okay to go my own path. Very much like this past February where I was the only one wearing pink at the HRC Gala, it was perfectly fine for me to dress down a touch Saturday night. I am understanding the feminine side of me goes well beyond the clothes. The coversations touched every aspect of the TG community and then some, and it had nothing to do with the clothes. I was still Stephanie having a great time. Oh, I am still the prom queen! Some things never change.

Back Briefly

2007-07-12T22:38:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, but my male side was away on vacation. While I enjoy being away for a bit, my annual getaway does greatly stifle my feminine side. As my family does not know about Stephanie, my feminine side must be repressed temporarily. In a way, I become more conflicted with these trips as I become more comfortable with being Stephanie. Yes, the answer is an obvious one. Give Stephanie a vacation of her own! Well, something to work on...

This weekend is very exciting as I will be attending the final Southern Comfort Conference planning meeting in Atlanta. I missed the first two so I have a bit of catching up to do. I am looking forward to volunteering as part of the tech crew at SCC. This is a wonderful group of people who put SCC together every year. If you haven’t already, visit sccatl.org for more information. SCC runs September 10-16. If you have any interest at all in attending, I suggest you make your reservations *now* before the hotel fills up. I will have more details as the schedule will be finalized at this meeting.

Until then, never fear, dear readers. More FAQs and more dress stories are still to come! I thank each and every one of you who read this fledging blog.

New FAQ - Why Do You Crossdress?

2007-07-02T11:03:00.000-04:00

I've decided to take a long and winding road approach to redoing my FAQ and then my biography. This could take a while, dear reader, but never fear! There is light at the end of the tunnel! So here's question #1:

Why do you crossdress?

I crossdress because I prefer women's fashions immeasurably to men's fashions. I find men's clothes quite boring and stiff. There is a logical reason for this. Men's clothes are designed to be functional and practical. When there is an opportunity to dress up, the choices are all taken from the same basic model (at least in western culture). Mix and match from collared shirt, tie, coat, and pants. If a man really wants to dress up, then get a black bow tie, a slightly ruffled white shirt, and a black jacket with something called tails. Booooooring.

However we know that women over the past century have moved towards this model as well in many of their clothing choices. Women have taken on more of what used to be traditionally male roles, and this is a good thing. Women have fought hard for this opportunity. This does mean that much of women's fashions have also become more practical. After all, it is hard to move around in a fully skirted floor length dress. So over the years, everyday women's fashions have a closer fit to everyday men's fashions.

Having said all the above, women still have many more choices particularly on formal occasions. The choices of color, material, cut, accessories, shoes, hairstyles, etc, etc are literally limitless. As I've written before, this is what attracted me to those beautiful long flowing dresses. Each woman looked unique and stylish. Every man looked pretty much the same. Every woman knows the feeling of putting on that new outfit. It really does change you.

I've only talked about the clothes, but the crossdressing is really just an outward sign of an inner desire. Going out en femme allows me to fulfill what is an ever growing feminine side. The question now might be, "Why do I prefer women's clothes over men's clothes?" or "Why would I go against societal norms for gender expectations?" My feminine side and my resolve to express myself have become so strong in recent years that I can now see through society's expectations. They are quite constraining (literally in the case of a coat and tie). Crossdressing goes well beyond the clothes. It has freed me to express my feminine nature. What a wonderful thing!

In short, the answer is wearing women's clothing even with all the male plumbing, the testoterone raging through my body, and society's expectations of men... despite all that, it allows me to simply be true to myself which is what we all should be. In my case, I have a very strong feminine component which I continue to explore.

FAQ - Dec, 1998

2007-06-30T21:06:00.000-04:00

I did this FAQ back in December, 1998, which was less then a year after going out en femme for the first time. I will try to do a rewrite of sorts in the near future, but this still should prove interesting.

Why do you crossdress?

I dress because it is a tremendous amount of fun! I have no other real explanation. I just know when I make myself into Stephanie (which is more than putting on a skirt and bra, btw!), I am completely happy. I love doing even normal things en femme such as shopping, dining out, cleaning the house, etc. Most of all, I enjoy being with the ladies of Kappa Beta and all the other beautiful girls I've met. As I mentioned in the opening, I am on a journey of sorts. I am not sure where this journey will take me as I suspect there may be more to my crossdressing than meets the eye. If that is the case, then I will deal with it as it comes along. Right now though, it is a fun *and* relaxing thing to do.

Where did you get your femme name?

Wil Rogers once said he never met a man he didn't like. Well, I have never met a Stephanie I didn't like. Really! I have known many Stephanie's in my life, and they are all wonderful, beautiful ladies. The name also indicates an attitude of fun and lightheartedness. That doesn't mean Stephanie can't be serious, but as I said above, I crossdress because its fun. I was just Stephanie from early 1996 to December, 1997. I asked a girl name Stephanie Lynn where she got her middle name. She said she just picked it from a list of runner-up names. I picked Marie because it is a very pretty name and combined with Stephanie, I believe it fits beautifully. My big sis, Beverly Barnes, says it makes me special. I tend to agree.

Where did you get fe-mail address?

I have received many compliments on my fe-male address, promqueen@ctc.net (*edited from old Hotmail address*). Many have asked where it came from. Before there was Stephanie, there were the dreams of being a prom queen. I remember how I envied the outfits the girls wore to the senior prom, and here I was stuck in a monkey suit! I really wanted to be dressed as the girl at a prom. Ever since, I have had a weakness for prom dresses, bridesmaid dresses, and wedding gowns. I bought several at yard sales before a major purge. I never got to wear any of them out. Finally, after joining Kappa Beta, I bought my most special of prom dresses: a royal blue blue puffy sleeve number that was 3/4 length and showed just a hint of cleavage. It only cost $7 at a Good Will store, but it is special because I wore it to the Kappa Beta Magnolia Ball. I was finally a prom queen! So now, the fe-mail name takes on new meaning. It is no longer a dream waiting to be lived. It is a symbol of dreams fulfilled and more yet to come.

Do you think you are transsexual?

Not at all! I enjoy being a man and all the things that are part of being masculine. However, I realize I have a repressed feminine side that comes out fully when I am Stephanie. Sure, it shows through on the male side, but I am not an overly effeminate person. I guess I'm a bit more sensitive than the average man, but that's about it. I do notice other women's clothes, hairstyles, and other traits more than before, but I obviously do not let on to others. All of the above means that I do not believe I was born in the wrong body, but that my brain and soul has other needs that must be fulfilled. Crossdressing is my way of meeting those needs.

How often do you go out en femme?

Since I came out in February, 1998, it works to about twice a month, but that could increase to about three or four times a month in the near future. I have not missed a Kappa Beta meeting except one since February, and I usually end up doing something else with a chat friend as well. However, as I meet more tg girls, I expect that number to increase. Also, I went shopping solo en femme for the first time in October, 1998, and I want to do more of that. The upshot is, like many crossdressers, I live my life the vast majority of the time as a male.

Why do you call the your web site "Stephanie Marie's Dance Floor?"

It's a bit of a play on the prom queen name, but the truth is I feel like dancing whenever I'm en femme! Dancing is a very creative and personal art form, and this is my chance in life to be really creative. So what you see here is the result of all that dancing (en femme, of course).

You mentioned your religious beliefs in your bio. Don't you think this is sinful and perverted?

If you had asked me this back in 1997, then I would have said yes. I was familiar with the Deuteronomy passage and thought that I was going to hell in a hand basket. However, I knew in my heart of hearts that this was not going to go away no matter how many times I threw away my wardrobe. I finally came to peace sometime in the fall of 1997 with this. It was ok for me to pursue this further. I learned that the Old Testament passage does not apply to us today as it is the Old Law. There are others who have written more eloquently on this subject. Needless to say, it made a lot of sense to me. I have also made a contract with myself: if my crossdressing ever interferes with my family, job, or finances to the point of causing damage, I will quit it in a heartbeat! So far, this has not happened. In fact, since I started gong out, my family life and career have grown immeasurably. I believe this is in no small part due to me being happier then ever before in my life. I can't always tell people why I am so happy, but I know they see it.

As far as being perverted, that is for society to determine. The only thing I can offer is how does this affect others - i.e. am I hurting anyone by doing this? I believe not. Child molesters and rapists are the real perverts. They are the ones doing true harm to society. To throw crossdressers in with that group both hurts the transgendered community and somehow lessens the impact of the real criminals mentioned above. Also, society confuses being different with being perverted. When we vary from the norm society has placed on us (i.e. the gender roles), then society naturally sees us as perverted. It is almost a knee-jerk reaction. Very few think very deeply about it. Those that choose to think about it in a non-biased manner usually discover that we are quite normal. Crossdressers just present themselves in a different, and yes, unusual way from time to time. It is different, a little strange, maybe even a bit eccentric, but certainly not perverted.

Story Behind the Dress #4

2007-06-26T10:24:00.000-04:00

The series continues with my first "real" dress. I bought a few formal dresses before this one. However I purged all of them (sad but true) prior to going out en femme for the first time in February 1998. That is a story for another time, but the good news is that I have not purged in all the time I've been going out. I wore this royal blue dress to the Kappa Beta Magnolia Ball in May 1998. As such, it is very special since this is the first formal dress I actually wore in public.

The dress itself is a royal blue polyester satin with puffy short sleeves, longer in back than in fromt, and a little bow on the derrire. The dress is accessorized in white with the short heels, short gloves, and pearl necklace. It is not a style I would go for now, but I still love the dress and the pic.

I had been thinking about getting a dress for the Magnolia Ball (which used to be Kappa Beta's annual formal outing). I wasn't sure how I was going to shop for one since I was nowhere near comfortable shopping en femme at the time. I stopped at a Goodwill in Wilkesboro, NC on a trip back from the mountains. On a whim, I walked over innocently enough to the women's formal section where a few dresses were hanging. There I spotted this size 16 number for only $7. It was more of an 80's style prom dress, but I fell in love with it instantly. I knew my size pretty well so I went ahead and bought it. I tried it on at home, and the fit was near perfect.

Then comes the day of the of the Magnolia Ball, and I still needed some shoes. I went with my good friend Leilla McKenna to Hecht's at South Park Mall in Charlotte. I walked by myself to the shoes section where an older gentlemen found the size I needed. He treated me like a lady the entire time putting on and taking off the shoes for me. This is what I consider my first true feminine shopping experience. Leilla gave me numerous pointers along the way and encouraged me the whole time.

The Magnolia Ball itself was wonderful. Beforehand putting on the dress, I can't say I had a mirror moment. I still wasn't particularly good with my makeup. As such, I still saw a man in a dress. My first real mirror moment would come a few months later. That night it didn't matter. I was Cinderella going to her first ball/prom. I had agreed to be part of a lip-sync act that night. I also did much of the music. I also remember a very nice woman named Theresa helping me with some makeup tips afterward. That is something I still enjoy no matter how long I do this... beauty tips!

The whole night was like living a dream. This was something I had fantasized about since seeing my grandparents at their ballroom dances. I was a young woman wearing a beautiful dress along with many other women. It didn't seem possible. Only a few months earlier, I was still in the closet. Now I was really out.

I wore the dress a few more times over the next year. I gave it away to a chat friend in Portland. The royal blue dress still holds a special place in my heart. Everytime I put on a formal dress for a ball or gala, I think back to this dress and this night. This dress made the prom queen come to life. For that, I will be forever grateful. Pretty good for $7!

A Magical Night

2007-06-20T16:44:00.000-04:00

The following was originally posted in SCCLounge following the 2006 Southern Comfort Conference in September.

Let me add my thanks to all those who made SCC 2006 a possibility. It had been five years since my last SCC, but I hear I picked a good one to come to. It was wonderful seeing some familiar faces and making some new friends.

I put magical night in the heading because Saturday was just that for me (yes, pun intended). In August, I had the chance of visiting the home of performer, Robert Baxt, the Magic Castle in Hollywood, CA. I was visiting with my parents who do not know about Stephanie. The Magic Castle is a private club for magicians. You get in only if you're a member or an invited guest. There is also a dress code: coat and tie for men and dresses or nice pant suit for women. My parents and I had a great time as we rarely get a chance to live it up. However I knew the night would have been perfect if I could have been able to dress by the women's dress code. One group came in very well dressed... men in tuxedoes and women in long formal gowns. I was definitely jealous.

Fast forward to Saturday night at SCC. Those who know me well know I love the formal look. I wore a strapless dress for the first time Saturday night. I was already enjoying the evening particularly after Kristen's speech. Then the performer came on introducing himself as a magician from Hollywood. A light bulb clicked on. He couldn't be? No way he was from the same place. When Robert Baxt said he performed at the Magic Castle, I knew someone upstairs must like me. My wish had come true, and in that instant I was transported back to the Magic Castle. Only this time, it was done right, and the show was perfect.

I told the story to Robert Baxt after the show, and he was very kind in his remarks. It was truly a perfect ending to a great SCC.

I look forward to helping in 2007. Much like when I first started going out, I want to give back. SCC is a great place to give back.

The Story Behind the Dress #3

2007-06-17T12:45:00.000-04:00

Will the madness never stop? How many dresses does she really have? And does she wear these poofy concoctions to the mall? The answers to these questions and many more, dear readers, coming up... but not today!

The above dress has become my favorite dress by far. I consider it dress perfection on many levels. First, it is my favorite color, pink. Second, the corset strapless bodice keeps all the extra stuff in. Third, the skirt is to die for... four layers, floor length, and plenty of "poof." The swish factor of the skirt is off the scale! Finally, all that room on the neck and arms leaves plenty of room for accessorizing.

The story behind the buying of the dress is almost as lengthy as the times I've worn the dress, and this may be the only one I can show you an actual catalogue picture. The color is slightly different, but it is the same dress:

I saw this dress listed at several online stores in the $250-$300 dollar range. When I saw the pic, I knew I wanted it. However, in thinking about my wardrobe for Southern Comfort, I knew I had plenty of choices in formal wear (as you've already seen). So I reluctantly waited. I then saw the same dress on sale at a place called Sydney's Closet which sold plus sizes at discount rates. With shipping, the cost was $96. You didn't have to ask me twice.

I knew I was taking a chance with this dress as I had never worn a strapless gown before. But for the price, I had to give it a shot. When I got the dress, I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable it was. However, the length was a little long, and the corset bodice needed some adjusting. I waited too long to get to my usual seamstress in Charlotte so I had to go in cold to someone in Atlanta. I ended up finding a wonderful and accepting place under a mile from the hotel operated by a lady named Gizzelle. She treated me so nicely, and she had my dress fitted perfectly the night before the SCC Gala. I very much enjoyed looking at the mirror and seeing me in that dress. Call that my first mirror moment.

The SCC Gala night was so fantastic as I love seeing everyone in their fanciest dresses. Particularly for us special girls, nothing beats a night of being dressed to the nines. The crew at Transformations did my makeup again, and I am never disappointed by them. They even put on some false eyelashes, a first for me! I got a ton of compliments on the dress. During dinner, I was sitting with my skirt all spread out before me. One of the waitresses walked by, smiled, and did a little sweeping motion with her hands. She didn't say a word, but it was a wonderful gesture. The only thing I hated was that I wasn't smiling in the pic. Something to work on...

I have worn this dress two more times. First was at the Kappa Beta Christmas party in December. Ok, maybe this is a little fancy for a Christmas party, but I wanted to wear the dress out again! When I left my hotel for the short ride to Hartigans in Charlotte, two young black ladies walking in complimented me on the dress. I love these encounters as it gives me more confidence in just being me. Returning to the hotel, the lobby had been invaded by Pittsburgh Steeler fans for the Panthers/Steelers game the next day. Clearly I was the best dressed woman in the hotel that night!

The most recent wearing was at the HRC Gala in February at the Charlotte Convention Center. This is by far the most mainstream formal event I've attended with over 1500 in attendance. It was also the first time the transgendered community had official representation at the event. We were very warmly welcomed and greeted everywhere we went. I had several people (men and women both) just walk up and compliment me on my dress. It was then I looked around at what everyone else was wearing. All the women wore dark colors, mostly black and chocolate with a few silver outfits. I was the only one in pink! But there was nothing wrong with that. In fact, I believe I was being commended for being myself. I dared to be different, and it was ok.

I may be making a bit much of one dress, but you can see why it is so special to me. I wonder if other women get the same kind of memories when going through their closet and looking at their outfits. I know I do, and that makes the dress more than just material and stitching. It becomes part of you and therefore part of your story.

Here Comes the Bride!

2007-06-15T15:47:00.000-04:00

Had another nice outing today... this time I found four nice tops at Cornelius (the one in Huntersville that always has some nice clothes) and two shoes at Payless. When I returned, I decided to put on something a little more white and expensive. The above is the result. Never fear though. I'll be looking really good in this white frock before too long with a real photographer!

The Kids are Alright

2007-06-14T16:43:00.000-04:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. When you put yourself out there, things are going to happen. It's just that when I'm dressed as my true self, those things are much more interesting. I had been wanting to get back down to Happy Nails in Charlotte to have my favorite manicurist, pedicurist, all around incredible person Holly do my nails. On a whim, I had a free afternoon and drove on down to the big city. Oh yes... as usual, that involved the usual hour of preperation (makeup, shaving, clothes, etc.). I've gotten my prep time down to half an hour if I don't have any shaving to do. Today it took 45 minutes, and I was ready to go.

When I arrived at Happy Nails, Holly was already working with some customers. So Cindy took care of my nails. It was enjoyable as always, and the gang always treats me very nicely. I went to the drying area across from a couple of ladies. Soon a young blonde who I guessed was in middle school sat down next to me. She looked at the other ladies nails and admired them. Then she looked at mine (now polished in a very feminine fuschia) and said they looked pretty. I looked at hers now in an equally pretty French manicure and complimented her as well.

What ensued was a very light hearted girl talk. She asked me my name, and I found out hers was Cinder, short for Cinderella. We talked about school, nails, her mom (who was sitting nearby having her nails done and didn't seem to mind). I learned she had just finished sixth grade, and yes she looked older than she really was. I brought up my ensuing brow wax once my nails were done drying and how a little pain goes a long ways towards beauty. I then did about as feminine a thing as I can recall doing. I looked at her brows, these beautiful blonde wisps above her eyes, and told her, "You don't need to have your brows waxed. They're really beautiful." That brought a big smile to her face.

Holly was ready to wax my brows. As she was waxing down my second brow, Cinder and her mom walked by. Cinder says to her mom, "Look how pretty her nails are." I hold out my left hand so mom can see, and she agrees wholeheartedly. We chat for a while as well before Holly rips more hair from my brows. Ouch! Mom still had to get her nails finished, and I wished Cinder good luck in school. They both wished me a happy weekend and smiled as I left.

In writing this now that I'm back safe at home away from the hustle and bustle of Charlotte, I am taken back by how normal and nice the conversation was. Was I passing that well? I doubt it. However, Cinder in particular was willing to treat me as a young woman. It didn't matter to her whether I was male or female. She thought my nails were pretty, and that started a beautiful conversation. I think she'll do alright in this world.

A Crossing of Worlds

2007-06-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

From time to time, I will post some older articles. The following was written for the March 2006 issue of Kappa Beta's newsletter, the Pink Slip. It was written following a meeting in Columbia, SC.

February's meeting was a wonderful time for all who attended. The Columbia ladies really know how to show the rest of us a good time, and we owe them a world of thanks. Another interesting thing occurred though for me as I had a near crossing of paths with a not so fortunate incident from Stephanie's past. Just two blocks away was a church seminar at the Columbia Convention Center. This was a church that I had been part of during my college years in Chapel Hill, NC. It was also the only time I had been caught dressed in women's clothing from someone outside the TG world.

For those that don't know the story, this occurred before Christmas 1992. I was just finishing college and was rooming with some men from the church in an apartment. We were all good friends and got along well. Little did they know that I had started exploring my cross-dressing tendencies. I had gone to yard sales and bought a couple of formal dresses. While everyone was away, I would dress up. I had no makeup, wig, shoes, panties, or a femme name... just two beautiful dresses. They even fit perfectly. I knew this would be frowned on by the church members as it was a fundamentalist church. I always tried to be careful.

One day, one of my roommates walked on me while I was dressed in one of them. I had hoped he had not seen me as I rushed back into my room and changed quickly back into my male clothes. He had though, and several of the church men confronted me that evening. We did not even open a Bible as I just assumed it was a sin. I threw away the dresses that night. Six months later, I left the church as I felt it had become too controlling in my life. Obviously, the cross-dressing weighed heavily on me as I still did not know if it was right or wrong.

After many purges of guilt, I finally started to feel at peace with the female side of me. As I discussed in the previous article, I became brave enough to chat online and even name myself. In February 1998, I went out with the Kappa Beta girls for the first time, and the rest is history. And yes, I bought some more formal dresses!

Dana assured me before the meeting that there would be no way for any convention goers to wander over to the Alley Cafe. There were simply too many restaurant choices nearby. Still I felt certain some of my old friends would be there. There may even be some who knew of my incident. What would they think? Would it even be worth arguing? Knowing my past experience, any sort of confrontation would be worthless. My mischievous side wanted to "accidentally" wander that way, but my practical side quickly dismissed that thought. Even the Bible talks about looking forward, not back. I understood that night I was exactly where I needed to be.

The Story Behind the Dress #2

2007-06-09T16:11:00.000-04:00

I ordered the above wine red dress from an online store called eGowns which has since changed ownership although it still has some lovely dresses. I bought it prior to the 1999 Magnolia Ball which used to be put on every year by Kappa Beta in the spring. It was meant to be our formal outing or prom for the year. This dress became my dress of choice between 1999 and 2001 including three Southern Comforts. The above pic was taken by Cassie from TG Chat at the 2001 SCC. The makeup and hair were done by the Transformations crew from Austin, TX. They are fantastic!

I love this dress because it was my first true floor length dress. The v-neckline leaves plenty of room for a nice necklace, and I even got to play a little with my fake cleavage at the bottom! The dress has a nice satiny feel. The bows on the sleeves are a little too cutsey in retrospect. I'm amazed I even found some short matching gloves. Oh I do love my gloves! The skirt has a nice sway to it and felt wonderful against my shaved usually nyloned legs.

This dress was made to order for me from eGowns. A lady even called me directly the week before it shipped to let me know it was ready. That was the first time I think I outed myself a little bit as I was very straight forward that the dress was for me. The lady who called didn't seem fazed at all and thanked me for my business. I gave this dress a couple years ago to Good Will as I'm now a size too big for it. It remains one of my favorites to this day.

Fabulous Fem Chat - Trivia!

2007-06-06T14:59:00.000-04:00

The Story Behind the Dress #1

2007-06-03T15:08:00.000-04:00

Since I do call myself the Prom Queen, I think it's only fitting that I show off some of my dresses and the story behind the pictures. The above is a Loralie bridesmaid's dress that I bought right as the company stopped making bridesmaid dresses (around 2003 I think). I liked the Loralie's bridesmaid designs as they had beautiful classic ballgown lines particular in the skirt. They feel wonderful too. I am sad that they only do the prom dresses now. The teal green color is also one of my darker colors.

The above picture was from the Vanity Club Thursday night glam dinner at Southern Comfort last September in Atlanta. I have worn the dress several times before, but this is by far the best picture of it. That is thanks to Amanda Richards who runs a makeover shop in Pennsylvania. If you are at SCC this year, you should try one of her makeovers. In this pic, I am also wearing a half slip under the skirt for a little poofiness. The white opera gloves, emerald necklace, and dark highlighted wig complete the look. Thanks to VC sisters Angela and Keri for taking this pic!

Educating, One Classroom at a Time

2007-05-31T20:56:00.000-04:00

This is a reposting of an article I wrote for the the Kappa Beta newsletter, the Pink Slip, in June 2006. I will be posting an update on our last UNCC presentation soon.

For several years, Kappa Beta has been a part of a sociology class at UNC-Charlotte taught by Dr. Lance. Several of our members speak before the class once each semester, and they take questions from the class afterwards. A big thanks goes out to Bobbie Long for starting and heading up the visits for several years. Pamela has recently taken over and has done a great job as well. I had always heard great stories from these classes, but I had never been able to attend until recently. That changed on May 31, 2006.

We had a great group this time around. Along with Pam, we had Jennifer, Trish, Trish's wife Diane, and myself. Trish and Diane were also first timers, and it was one of the few classes where a wife had attended. We met Dr. Lance in his office at 12:30pm and went back down for the 1pm class. Dr. Lance was very kind as he made sure he got to know each of us, particularly the three newcomers.

Dr. Lance had about a 15 minute lecture to start off. He then turned the floor over to Pamela. Pamela did a great job of introducing herself and the group to the class. Some were clearly very interested and seem to warm up to Pamela as she spoke. No surprise, but most of the guys sat near the back. Then it was my turn to speak. Even though I have spoken thousands of times into a radio microphone, I was still a bit nervous. I had a list of things I wanted to cover about my life's experiences. I definitely wanted to cover the difference about my experience as a crossdresser even though that is only a label. I also decided to share my college experience about being caught dressed by some church friends. I, of course, spoke glowingly of Kappa Beta and how getting out has changed and continues to change my life.

Trish and Jennifer spoke after me. I think the class was very intrigued by Jennifer as she is someone who has transitioned successfully at a fairly young age. We then started taking questions, and most came from a group of five young ladies near the front. Jennifer answered some very interesting ones about the difference of certain experiences in living as a man and then a woman. One touching moment was Diane talking about the difficulty in a relationship with a crossdresser. We had not expected Diane to take any questions, but she was a real trooper in talking about a very difficult subject.

One of the questions I answered involved labeling. Even though I say I am a crossdresser, I see that as merely a convenience in describing my experiences and life. I like for people to look beyond the labels to the real person. I also talked about the feeling of seeing myself completely en femme for the first time and many times after that. The word I use is "intoxicating." It is such a rush. Finally, I talked about my closeted situation as none of my family or friends know about Stephanie. As I've been sharing with many people, there is a good chance I will come out to a close friend in the near future. Stay tuned...

We were finished about 2:30pm. A couple of the young ladies stuck around to talk to us some more. One even invited me to her church! Another was kind enough to take our picture. We took more pictures outside. As I left, I had a strong feeling of accomplishment. We had reached out to a small group of college students that may some day be decision makers. Some were clearly more receptive than others. Still, I have always felt once you know the individual, the labels and stereotypes fade away. That is where we can affect true change. Needless to say, I want to do this more. I have already asked Pamela to schedule me for the next class.

You Never Know - How I Met Ms. Carmen

2007-05-29T23:10:00.001-04:00

As we go through life, there are some things that we never consider doing. In many cases, we have very good and valid reasons. For example, I have no desire to go to Afghanistan anytime soon. There's a strong survival instinct that probably makes it wise for me to keep things that way. However, sometimes we keep doors closed that are worth opening or at least putting our foot in.

Such is the case with a phone sex service. I had many times accidently typed in a wrong url or clicked where I shouldn't have and been lead to a porn site. Getting out in many cases proved difficult with the numerous pop-up windows. Such was not the case as I clicked on a call site from URNotAlone. It lead me first to Sissy School which I knew wasn't my cup of tea. Then I found FemPhone which seemed more up my alley. Women who feminize men sometimes even willingly. I was genuinely interested, but I had never called such a site.

I was curious and emailed a few of the mistresses with my debutante fantasy. I wanted to be dressed like a girl going to her debutante ball. Most emailed me back and said they would be willing to work with me. I called one, talked for 30 minutes, but didn't really click. I jumped on their online chat and was recommended Ms. Sarah. She was the one who said I should skip the fantasy and actually buy the dress. It took a few months, but her words came to fruition when I bought that debutante dress. So in a way, Ms. Sarah planted the first seed.

Oddly enough, I decided to call one of the mistresses who had not responded to my initial inquiries - Ms. Carmen. She had posted something in her blog about setting aside thirty minutes, and she would do a magical transformation turning you into a woman. I liked the idea of that and called her cold. I asked Ms. Carmen for a rather vanilla transformation asking her to turn me into a schoolgirl. Thirty minutes later I was one happy girl.

However, it was the second call a month later when we really clicked. This time, I asked to be turned into a debutante. The call went very much like before only this time she had me in sheer ecstasy. I could not believe the very feminine feeling she had awoke in me. So out of my mouth as I was enjoying the moment came, "I feel like a girl." Ms. Carmen softly replied back, "Well you are." I was amazed at how we transitioned so nicely into a conversation about each other. She suggested that I might enjoy hypnosis. I was curious, but I also now trusted Ms. Carmen. She wrote in her blog the next day:

Stephanie. What a delicious time we had while I dressed you and made you feel supremely feminine… in MANY ways! I look forward to much more fun and intimacy with you, and I thank you for the photo you sent me. You are simply lovely.

In January, we had our first hypnosis session. We chatted at length beforehand on Yahoo Messenger. I told Ms. Carmen that I felt like the time to transition between male and female was too lengthy. I could do the actual dressing, makeup, wig, etc, but I felt like the mental switch didn't always occur. In a sense, I was worried about my duality. During the session, Ms. Carmen asked me to treat Stephanie as the real person and my male side as the costume. She doesn't use trigger words with me... just suggestions and feminine affirmations. When she brought me out, I felt quite emotional. Ms. Carmen says this is normal, and she feels the same way working with her clients.

Let me say this about Ms. Carmen's hypnosis sessions. They are very relaxing, and I always come out much more emotionally aware of myself. She instills the words, "strength, confidence, and grace" in each session. And no, I don't make animal sounds or do silly things afterwards. I'm only reinforced in my feminine goals, and it seems to be working. There are times when I get revelations, and I can't explain where it comes from. That is what hypnosis does for me.

In our most recent session, we chatted for a long time before the actual session. It still seems I keep many doors closed. Ms. Carmen has asked that I don't eliminate any good possibilities particularly ones that I am currently doing. She says I shouldn't assume that I can't carry over some of the work I do and enjoy in male mode into a feminine equivalent. Ms. Carmen also helped me put some issues about my past to rest especially my college years. I've had dark thoughts about how I wasted those years and especially about being caught. I understand that part of my life was necessary in order to get to where I am now.

One person asked me in chat if I was "owned" by Ms. Carmen. I said no. I consider her a friend. I have told many of the mistresses and chatters that Ms. Carmen has a love and passion for the tg community. She has even asked me my opinion on how she deals with some of her crossdresser callers who want to come out. She also has a strong intuition, and I enjoy hearing her thoughts about my life circumstances. I understand many of the regular callers have mistress type relationships in their sessions, and that is what they were looking for. As it turns out, I was looking for someone to help me understand myself better. As far as I'm concerned, someone who can do that is truly a friend.

I'm Getting There

2007-05-29T22:43:00.000-04:00

I have a bad habit of downplaying compliments sometimes even from the best of friends who have nothing but good thoughts for me. I am getting better at simply saying "thank you" and appreciating kind words from both friends and strangers. I'm not totally sure why I do this except that I'm a fairly analytical person. I like to constantly evaluate myself. It's difficult to let go and accept the nice word from another person.

That leads into the title... "I'm Getting There." I spent a wonderful Saturday evening with some good tg friends discussing life over dinner. I wasn't sure who was going to be at the restaurant that night, but I was pleasantly surprised with the quality of people present. There are some nights when it seems anything is possible. As the conversation flowed amongst each of us, I felt like this was one of those nights.

Each of the women were at what the world might say a different stage of transition. Two were post-op and even admitted that there is no longer a reason to attend support meetings except for the company. I am always thankful for those that choose to maintain their ties to the tg community. It's not an easy decision.

At one point in a conversation with my good friend Pam, she complimented me on how far I've come. Pam to me is one of the wisest people around. If you don't like her, you just don't like people. She is one of those real gems in this world. When she said that, I was still thinking how I am still very much in the closet and living a dual lifestyle. I'm not on hormones, not in therapy, not even doing any hair removal. Physically I am still very much a male. I don't even know how much of the above I will end up doing, but I still see the long road ahead.

So my response was, "I'm getting there." Immediately I felt like I said something wrong, but Pam's response was along the lines of, "We all are." It goes beyond even appreciating the journey. A big part is being happy with where you are now particularly as you're moving on the road. Being thankful is a big part of that. If you're not happy with what you've done and what you are doing, you will not be happy in the future. It is ok to look back and appreciate how far you have come.

So let me be thankful that I've been blessed to discover my true self, and I'm learning more everyday. So to those who pass along a kind word or compliment, "Thank you!" To those who brought this scared girl into the daylight, a very big "Thank you!" And to those who design and make all those wonderful prom and formal dresses, you get a "Thank you" as well. You knew I couldn't go a whole week without mentioning my favorite obsession.

Christine Daniels' Blog

2007-05-29T14:35:00.000-04:00

Christine Daniels (formerly Mike Penner) is quite the talented sportswriter for the Los Angeles Times. She announced her transition in a column in the sports section on April 26. The response in the comments section was overwhelmingly positive. I have been yelling "you go girl!" ever since!

Even if you have no interest in sports or even transgender issues, her blog is worth keeping up with. You should start from the beginning as there's still time to catch up.

Christine Daniels' blog

Fabulous FemChat

2007-05-22T21:37:00.000-04:00

This is a wonderful chat I've been attending recently, and it's been nice as it's opened me up to a whole new crowd. This Wednesday, we'll be talking about our ideal woman whether it be for you or someone else. I'll be writing more about Ms. Carmen, one of the wonderful hostesses, in the near future. In the meantime, check out her site, Captured by Carmen (link in the sidebar), which lists all the services she does by phone including hypnosis.

Article on Susan Stanton

2007-05-22T21:26:00.000-04:00

I will try to post links to stories of interest to the TG community. Here is a good story on Susan (formerly Steve) Stanton who was fired as city manager of Largo, FL in February after the local newspaper outed her. The article is pretty balanced as are the comments unfortunately.

St. Peterburg's Times - Introducing Susan Stanton

The Prom Queen is Born

2007-05-19T14:48:00.000-04:00

The first posting on my blog may seem rather trivial or frivolous, but I hope you'll find a deeper meaning in my choice of outfits. Those who know me know I have a love for prom, bridesmaid, and other formal dresses. I think they are the ultimate in feminine expression in terms of clothing. They feel luxurious and look so elegant. When I'm dressed to the nines in a social setting, I feel on top of the world. That feeling goes beyond the dress and the compliments. It is my symbol of a realized goal that I once considered unattainable.

One of my earlest memories of realizing I was different was around eight years old. My parents and I were invited to my grandparents ballroom dance. My grandparents were an elegant and graceful couple to the point where they competed competitively after they both had retired. My parents and I on the other hand rarely dressed up, but we attended wanting to be supportive of them. Of course, this meant I had to wear the monkey suit complete with ruffled shirt and powder blue bowtie. I knew I didn't like the outfit, but I figured it was just me being boyish. Everyone said I looked very handsome. What grabbed me that night though were the beautiful dresses worn by the women that night... long flowing skirts, the different colors and styles, the smiles on their faces. I knew they were all beautiful, but I also knew I wasn't supposed to dress like that. Women wore dresses... not men.

As I grew older, I did not have many opportunities to see women in formal dresses as we lived in a working class community. However, at my senior prom, I was once again mesmerized my the girls in their long dresses. Having the opprtunity to slow dance with many of them that night and feeling the material of their prom dresses against me only heightened my excitment. I wanted to wear one, but how?

College brought much more freedom and opportunities. I bought my first prom dress at a church yard sale for a $1. It was a lacy pink number that really did not fit me. I would drive to the local park late at night and walk around alone wearing it. I was also part of a fundamentalist church and was one day caught with it on. I was forced to throw it away... my first purge.

I graduated from college and also left the church where I had been caught. I scoured yard sales and probably bought about half a dozen dresses at various times. My guilt was so great about my cross dressing that I purged every time. I thought it would go away.

Then came the Internet and then my first call to Sherri Carmichael, the corresponding secretary at Kappa Beta (the local Tri-ess chapter), in January 1998. In our first call, she said they had a formal ball where they all got dressed up in April of each year. I went out for the first time as Stephanie in February 1998. On a trip back from the NC mountains, I stopped at a Good Will in Wilkesboro and bought a size 16 royal blue prom dress for $7. I tried it on at home, and it fit perfectly. I now had a dress for the ball and wore it with a smile that April.

As my collection of prom dresses grew, I ended up trading the royal blue dress with another gal. It will always remain my most special dress as it was the first I wore out as Stephanie. I have graduated to more luxurious dresses like the pink strapless ballgown and a debutante gown. Every time I put one of those gowns on, I think back to the time when I thought this was simply a dream... an impossibility. Each dress is now a sign of a goal realized, and that is the reason behind my smile.

Debutante Dress Addendum

2007-05-19T14:41:00.000-04:00

This past Thursday, I had my final fitting for my debutante dress. It went very quickly as the dress fit perfectly. As Jackie did a little adjusting, I had another one of those mirror moments. There I was just like the beautiful debutante girl getting ready to be presented to society. Vickie even came upstairs to give her approval. She was like a proud mother telling me how beautiful I was. It was nice being fussed over so much.

I made a full girl's morning out of it buying some shoes at Nine West. If it wasn't for work commitments, I would have made a day of it! I'm still amazed at how easily I pass through the world as my real self. Only a couple years ago, it would have been a major undertaking. Now, I have truly come out, and maybe the debutante dress has a little something to do with that.

The Debutante Dress

2007-05-19T14:29:00.000-04:00

My latest dress that I'm showing in my pics has become very special to me, and I have not even worn it out anywhere! It is a debutante dress which for young ladies in the south is a dress worn at a formal gathering where the ladies are "introduced" to society (usually around age 17). This is funny to some because I came out as Stephanie nine years ago!

One of the things on my long-term "to-do list" was to buy a dress at a full service bridal/formal dress shop. I had always bought my dresses from eBay, online stores, yard sales, or Good Will and then had then altered later. I had never had the experience of having someone pick out some gowns for me and help me try them on. This is something I very much wanted as most women get to do this either for a prom or wedding. I thought it would be a very feminine experience. I also knew I wanted a debutante gown which fit very well with this experience as it would require some extra help.

I chose a place in Gastonia called Poffie Girls which is about a half hour from me. I only called ahead to make sure they had a good selection. I knew from their website that they were fairly well regarded. I did my full feminine routine and wore a blouse and skirt that would be easy to take off. I drove over on a Thursday morning when they were not as busy. I found the place easily enough. The shop is two story self contained building... pretty decent size and nice looking from the outside. I was gripped by fear as I pulled in and sat in my running car with the air conditioning on full blast for five minutes. I convinced myself that I had come this far, and it would be silly to turn back. I knew inside was my perfect dress. The worse they could say was no. I turned off the car, got out, and walked inside.

I was greeted by a middle aged lady at their front counter. She asked if she could help me, and I told her I wanted to buy a debutante dress. At this point, I was fairly certain I did not pass, but she politely asked which club I belonged to. I replied that this was not for a particular club but just for me. She called in another lady who asked me my size and what style and price dress I wanted. I told her what I was looking for (white, long, full skirted), and she had me fill out their order form. She then said, "Ok, sweety, let's get you set up with a dressing room." I felt the weight of the world fall off my shoulders as I knew they would help me out.

The lady's name was Vickie, and she brought out about a dozen white gowns. I was now in heaven with all this white satin. I tried on about six gowns. Each time, Vickie zipped me up in back and showed me how to walk properly in each dress. She treated me like a woman the whole time even complimenting me on my hair. With each dress, I stepped out into a hallway with three mirrors on one end. Vickie and I both agreed on two we like. I chose the one you see in the picture: the white halter top gown.

Vickie told me to call back once I had my shoes for a first fitting. Not one time did anyone refer to me as a man. It was very nice to feel like I could fully be myself and enjoy the experience.

I scheduled my first fitting, and Vickie greeted me again. She sent me upstairs to Jackie, their seamstress. Once I put on the gown, Jackie took me through all the measurements. When she fitted the bodice, I truly felt like I had picked the right gown. It felt wonderful! Jackie also commented that I was probably the nicest girl that had come through recently. She told me they work with about 400 girls during prom season, and most of them acted like spoiled divas! Something struck me when she said that. I actually enjoyed every step of the process. I enjoyed looking in the mirror and seeing myself in that beautiful white dress. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I'm not totally sure why except that I was overwhelmed by the joy of the experience.I will have my dress by the end of May. I am looking forward to setting up a photo shoot with my new debutante dress and hopefully several other dresses.

For those special girls who have a similar goal of going out and enjoying a feminine buying experience, I would say go for it. If a business is smart, they want your money as much as anyone. Long established businesses and well trained staff seem very open to serving us. Once you do it, it is an incredible experience.