Stephanie Marie

As a transgender woman, I see imperfections in myself everyday. My photos often reflect those less than ideal looks and my insecurities concerning them. Over the years, I have become more comfortable in my own skin, and my photos show that. As my last short story alluded to, I still feel like a teenage girl sometimes. I am slowly growing out of that phase. However many of my girlfriends tell me the insecurities never go away. You just learn to deal with them better. The above photo represents many things to me. If you had shown this photo to me five years ago, I would have said that is impossible. Out in the open, my natural hair, a feminine dress... the look is so much of what I've been working towards in my presentation. Add what I know today with my love of contra dancing and twirly skirts, it should be a winner. It is after all me in my favorite dance dress taken in a beautiful setting off the Blue Ridge Parkway near Blowing Rock. It was the cap to a wonderful Easter week...

 A young girl celebrated her 11th birthday by opening her closet door to peek outside. Her closet had grown considerably in her life, but she desperately wanted to see what was outside. She had heard and seen many things about the world outside. Her closet was a safe place and had many pretty outfits. The young girl would dress up and put on her make-up. It was fun, but it was time for something more. She put on her prettiest dress, fixed her hair, and stepped outside. This is what she found. She found that those in the world had a difficult time understanding her. She looked and spoke differently than the other girls. Everyone would tell her that she was a boy. "But I am a girl!" she exclaimed. People looked at her in a funny way. Most people, that is. Some were kind to her. One lady even said she looked pretty in her dress. On her next adventure outside the closet, the young girl happened upon a building with a loud wooden floor. People gathered around a lady wit...

Why I Came Back Not to the blogging world, not to the LGBT community, but to a second contra dance. By all rights, I shouldn't have returned. I only danced four dances that night. I was the only transgender person there. I was lost in so many ways... the dance, my proper role, the other dancers. I was not dressed particularly well, and I'm sure I looked like a mess at the end. Yet there were enough positive threads to weave together an experience that I could build on. It also helps that I don't give up easily. I had been looking for something and a place to be me. After my experiences at Latta Plantation, I wanted a more regular mainstream activity to be Stephanie. I would present as Stephanie, be known as Stephanie, make friends as Stephanie. I had reached the point where I was ready to socialize with the world. For a time I thought it would be in Civil War reenacting (and that card is still on the table). I would have been satisfied with a book club or a cookin...

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. (Friedrich Nietzsche) Before I ever started contra dancing, I could not understand the joy imprinted on a dancer's face. Otherwise normal people came to life when paired with a favorite partner surrounded by familiar sounds. Couples moved as one knowing the other's steps and moves intimately. What seemed like chaos with a few dozen couples moving around a dance floor was actually a carefully orchestrated merry-go-around. I watched, but I just... didn't... get it. Of course, I was only eight at the time wearing a 1970's era powder blue monkey suit (I think it's called a tuxedo in polite circles) watching my grandparents ballroom dance. I have shared the story of being mesmerized by the women's beautiful dresses, but the dancing itself was still a mystery to me. Part of it may have been put off that the dances resembled something out of Lawrence Welk whose...

“I love your dress.” “You look really nice tonight.” “You're wearing the dangly earrings!” “Hello, gorgeous!” “You are really beautiful.” I've had all of the above said to me as Stephanie, some in the past couple of weeks. A genuine compliment is so powerful particularly in an otherwise harsh world. For me, many of the compliments are to my female presentation which makes me feel more feminine, and that is a very special gift. That is part of the beauty of the kind words because my close friends know my struggles in showing the real me with a body that doesn't match. A few years ago at one of my first formal mainstream outings, I was wearing my favorite strapless floor length dress and had already gotten many compliments. It made me feel very good, and I wanted a way to return a bit of the positive karma... a sort of nice pay it back. I got the crazy idea that I would pick five women who were wearing dresses I thought were nice and tell them how muc...

The word “transition” can mean so many things. In the transgender community, it is usually meant as a catch-all phrase for those moving from one gender presentation to the other. It can mean some combination of hormones, therapy, cosmetic surgery, full time living, etc. In reality, it is at some level revealing more of your inner self in your outward presentation. It can be full of unexpected twists and turns. One that I did not think would ever happen is my near complete departure from the LGBT community. For the first eight years of being out as Stephanie (1998-2006), I was fully content to be involved in the transgender community with occasional forays into the gay and mainstream world. With some periods of inactivity, I was happy to have friends with Kappa Beta in Charlotte and help the new girls where I could. Essentially, my life was a couple days a month being Stephanie and the rest being “that other guy.” At some point, I realized being Stephanie was more than the clothes a...

I had thought about not continuing my year end series from last year which ended with so much promise and hope. 2010 on paper was not the best year personally. I took more hits as a transgender woman in 2010 than in several previous years combined. There was much disappointment in many of my efforts for the community and myself. I was also the target of many unkind remarks more so this year than ever before. Some of them even came from people in the LGBT community. I can only guess I am riling a few feathers although the fruit is not obvious. Through it all, contra dancing remains a social and spiritual lifeline. While nowhere close to perfect, I can't imagine my life without it. I have been going out as a transgender woman for almost 13 years although only in the last few years have I started down the road of transition (that is, committing more of my life to living as a woman). I am not a beginner at this, and I've had my share of colorful incidents and encounters. For some r...

Those who are friends with me on Facebook have already seen part of this story. I have had conversations with transgender people over the years whether it is worth the effort to be out in the world as a TG woman. This is my response. One disclaimer and caveat is that your mileage may vary. What works for me may not work for you. That's just life. For the longest time, I had been looking for another social outlet as Stephanie. I had a desire to make friends and be around people who knew me as the real me. I have been very blessed in the past 10 months to have found this outlet in contra dancing . While it hasn't always been easy, it has been rewarding in a way that I could have never imagined before. One of my TG friends, Paige, said it very well that you will of course meet people who reject you out of hand. That's life. The opposite is also true. I have many new lifelong friends. One of my dance friends, Holley, told me around the holidays how much the Charlotte dance comm...

One of my favorite scenes in Dead Poet's Society involves the Robin Williams character asking his poetry students to stand on their desks. Initially thinking the exercise silly, the students comply with wondrous results. An otherwise ordinary classroom looks very different from an unfamiliar position. The idea is of course that a change of location, even something very simple, produces a very different view of the world. Contra dancing has somewhat of a similar perspective element. You're always in motion with regards to the dance floor and the people around you. However one move, the swing, has the wondrous capacity even while in motion to make the world stand still. It all depends on where you look. If you point your eyes in the space around you, the world becomes a literally dizzying confusing place. It is near impossible to maintain balance. Looking at your partner's eyes produces the opposite effect of calm and stillness. He/she is in the same place for the whole mov...

Wishing all a very happy and joyous 2010. I begin my first post of the new year with a look back at the old year. I posted on Facebook on New Year's Eve: I have dubbed 2009 the year I grew my wings and learned to fly with some nervous but certain steps into the world. In 2010, I will fly higher into that world and soar like the great eagle. Later that night while waltzing at the contra dance, my partner Gretchen asked me if I felt I had transitioned in 2009. I don't think she meant transition in the sense that the transgender community uses the term (i.e. full-time living, surgery, etc.). I think she was asking about how I viewed myself. I said yes in the sense that I had begun socializing in the mainstream world as Stephanie. She agreed and added that it showed very much in my dancing. I am always moved when a friend makes that kind of comment. Looking back, it seems I am being shown a path that I had never before considered. It involves being vulnerable and more intimate with...

I promised a recap of story links from past posts at Transgender Adventures in History: My Dream Dress A Place to be a Southern Belle A Place to be a Southern Belle Pt. 2 A New Adventure Realized A Step Forward into the Past Ripples This past weekend was tremendous attending both Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta and Feet Retreat in Danbury, NC. As I mentioned earlier, my SCC trip was shortened due to scheduling and finances. I once again had a wonderful time with the http://vanityclub.com/ ladies Thursday night at the lovely Maggiano’s in Perimeter Mall. I enjoy every chance to dress up and breaking bread with friends I haven’t seen in so long. I finally went with one of my prom dresses with a black velvet short sleeve bodice and taffeta wine red skirt. Everyone looked lovely which you would expect from our group. I do have some pictures forthcoming. Friday morning, I had the pleasure of presenting Transgender Adventures in History for the second year. It was nice to see some fa...

While the fall season technically does not begin for another two weeks, the cooler air has me thinking of October and November instead of the last days of summer. I speak often of the playfulness of the hot temperatures and late sunsets giving way to the seriousness of the changing leaves and shorter days. I feel it once again as my focus shifts to the important work at hand. Specifically for me, that means a continuous search for free lance video production jobs (which has been going better as of late). It also involves planning for many events such as a Southern Comfort Conference presentation and the Transgender Day of Remembrance on November 20th. There are many other exciting endeavors, some of which I hope to share with you. Labor day weekend was very nice with a Charlotte Gender Alliance meeting on Saturday and then three straight nights of contra dancing. Talking with my friend Pamela Jones after the meeting Saturday, I was very excited about going out. I think some of my t...

In my efforts to move my femme side into the mainstream, I had been looking for something, anything I could do regularly with a social group. Anything from a book club to yoga would have been sufficient. Civil War reenacting has been somewhat of a small step that will eventually become a giant leap. However certain barriers that I have detailed in past blog posts prevent me from immersing myself completely in reenacting. It is frustrating to say the least but hardly an impossible situation. Following my Bentonville outing in March, a couple of my reenacting friends invited me to something called a contra dance. I had seen pictures of them dancing on Facebook and had no idea what it was about. It seemed fun, and my friends described it as “uplifting” and “stress relieving.” The music (something between bluegrass, country, and folk) seemed pretty fun. Just what the doctor ordered I thought. My first dance was at a small community center called Pleasant Green in Durham, NC. It is quite th...