Fire on the Mountain

It has been a frustrating few days for the LGBT community in North Carolina following the approval of Amendment One in North Carolina. The count was 61 percent for, 39 percent against with just over a million people voting for it. As usual with amendments involving gay marriage, the polls were a few percentage points too optimistic. While the number was overwhelmingly for the amendment, it is not the worst defeat involving gay marriage amendments, not by a long shot. That does give some hope for the future.

So what went wrong? The first thing to understand is that the pro-amendment forces in North Carolina have been planning for this vote for several years. They literally prayed for the opportunity, and it was gift wrapped to them in the 2010 election when the Republicans took over the state legislature after 140 years of Democrat control. They also have the experience of 30 state victories to draw from nationally. In fact, most of their funding came from non-profit groups outside the state.

The pro-amendment group also had the numbers from day one. They only had to protect the lead which any coach in sports will tell you is easier to do than coming from behind. It's like running out the clock in football or having a one goal lead in the World Cup. The polls showed some movement in January and February from a 40 point difference to at times under 20. However the poll numbers did not change much in the final month. The final 20 percent just did not budge.

Also, the pro-amendment forces had more collective passion. I'll get in trouble for saying this. Those who voted for the amendment felt like they were voting to defend their personal beliefs. It was a holy task in their mind to hold the line against the liberals, the press, and the LGBT community. They felt quite motivated and justified in making their vote. There was plenty of passion within the LGBT community, but it is difficult to carry over to an otherwise apathetic non-voting population. This primary had an even larger turnout than in 2008. Yet about four million (almost 2/3rds of registered voters) chose not to have their voice heard. Voter apathy may be an even greater battle that every campaign fights. For the anti-amendment forces, the problem was in making people who rarely vote change their habits and care enough to vote against the amendment.

The pro-amendment campaign also countered with some well-timed and simple messages. That is the nature of politics. Keep your message simple, and repeat it often. In the final weeks, it was enough to keep their people in line by saying the harms of the amendment were “lies.” Also don't underestimate the importance of Billy Graham's statements the weekend before the vote. His voice carries much weight in this state. With his announcement in support of the amendment, his association sponsored some last minute ads. So it wasn't just an opinion. It was an “all-in” from his organization.

With the above, my analytical side tells me we in the LGBT community were fighting a losing battle all the way. Having observed many campaigns dispassionately over the years, I knew the numbers not moving in the final weeks was a bad sign. We had reached the threshold of support in the short term. The pro-amendment groups kept the conversation about gay marriage and religion. It's a battle that cannot be won over the space of a few months especially with the vote during a primary.

It is wonderful that we against the amendment initiated a conversation in North Carolina to make people think more deeply about the amendment, and by extension, the LGBT community. However, when a vote is involved, discussions rarely end well. The talk has turned nasty and divisive in every state where a vote concerning gay marriage has been taken. Since the same side has won every time, they cannot understand the fuss. Meanwhile the gay community is hurt and frustrated because rights are taken away for no good reason. Politicians know how to use this as a wedge issue, and we fall for it.

While my head can fathom the reasons for the vote, my heart can't. It seems simple to ask people to look beyond their own personal beliefs. Gay marriage doesn't ask anyone in the non-gay community to give up anything. Yet they have no qualms about denying it to others despite the non-gay community's failure with marriage in recent decades (high divorce rate, adultery, etc.). I think of the John Edwards trial in particular. That man is the scum of the earth. Yet he can remarry. Shouldn't I be able to vote on his suitability for marriage?

Also the pro-amendment groups wouldn't even acknowledge the issue with the language of the amendment. They claimed they weren't aware of issues in other states with similar language, and they had no desire to find out. The phrase “domestic legal union” is clearly problematic, and the state will spend years in court determining everything from domestic partner benefits to child custody rights to domestic violence laws. This could have been easily avoided, but the pro-amendment forces knew they could be greedy and use North Carolina as a test case for that language.

I'm left with conflicting thoughts regarding my home state. I still have no desire to move, but my strength of conviction on that thought has been greatly weakened. I wrote on Facebook the opening line from the wonderful Marshall Tucker Band song, “Fire on the Mountain:”

Took my family away from my Carolina home...

The song fools you with one of the most beautiful instrumental openings in popular music and then segues to the lyrics which tell of a man's quest for gold and riches which eventually leads to his death. He left his home to look for something better and instead found greater hardship. That is the nature of life. We risk much for something better even when what we have is pretty good. Also there is the idea of the grass is greener elsewhere. After all in my case, there are 30 other states with gay marriage bans in their constitution. There aren't many choices.

The easy path is to dismiss North Carolina as a bigoted and backwards state and use that as an excuse to move. Reality is always more complicated even for folks who favored the amendment. My life is full of examples of people looking past their pre-conceived notions and giving me a chance. Some of them have become best friends. It wouldn't have happened if I stayed home in a closet, if I worried too much about offending others, if I thought I didn't present well enough. I have plenty of excuses to not be out there and live life as the real me. I could use the amendment results as one more.

However the benefits of being out are so numerous. I have spoken often of the friendships and life experiences. I grow more with each one. I wrote two days after the amendment on Facebook:

Enough of the pity party. It's on to the next thing which is to keep on being out and visible in a positive way. Just know that I am happy to have so many good people in my life. I feel very loved, and no amendment vote is needed to prove that.

I have plenty of reasons to stay and build on the progress that has been made. The amendment vote is quite the setback to be sure. It is a long journey, and we'll find better things down the road even in North Carolina. The Marshall Tucker Band song comes from the album, “Searchin' for a Rainbow.” Seems appropriate, doesn't it?

The Reluctant Voter

I've had this HP Pavilion laptop going on five years now. It still has Windows XP and is getting a little worn around the edges. It stutters a bit running the recent videos, and it definitely will not run the latest games. The only upgrade was to the memory. The hard drive is only 60 GB. I like it that way as it forces me to carry only essential programs. I also enjoy it for the times when I want to write away from my desktop or play an older game. The screen is plenty big, and it has wireless. I use it still for my history presentations as it can hook up easily to another monitor. It does exactly what I want it to do.

With this laptop, I have carried on a tradition similar to the stickers on a college football player's helmet. Every time I vote, general election or primary, I put the "I Voted" sticker on the laptop. I rarely talk about political stuff. I am the typical independent who has become more dismayed with both political parties in recent years. Still I vote because I believe it gives me the right to complain even if I vote “none of the above.”

This primary I was saddened to vote on a constitutional amendment in North Carolina. Voting for a candidate is quite risky because, despite their campaigning, you are never quite sure what you will get from that person. That is the nature of politics. Voting for an amendment is quite different because the constitutional law usually takes effect immediately. A well-educated voter should have a good idea of the future impact of a well-written amendment. A poorly written amendment leaves the door open for widely varying interpretations. The voters have no more certainly than if they were voting for a person.

The proposed amendment being considered through May 8 in North Carolina is written on the ballot as follows:

Constitutional amendment to provide that marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State.

The language of the amendment is a jumbled mess. While I was against the amendment from day one, I have become more disgusted with the legislators who wrote and forced this through. The phrase “domestic legal union” is the big issue. White the authors and supporters of the amendment claim it is about protecting the institution of marriage and outlawing same-sex marriage at the constitutional level, the language extends far beyond that intent. It applies to any couple who is not married. It has potentially disastrous effects on health benefits, child support, domestic violence, and end-of life decisions just to name a few issues.

At a recent discussion on WXII in Winston-Salem, it seemed for a few minutes that the amendment supporters were happy with the ambiguous language. They wanted the courts to be bogged down for the next several years deciding what a “domestic legal union” encompassed. It was a chilling moment as it seemed they had left their talking points and briefly exposed how they really felt about the gay community. Quickly they retreated to their Biblical doctrine. It is important to note that most other state amendments say that “the only marriage that will be recognized...” While I am not thrilled with this, it at least protects opposite gender couples who are not married.

Two points have stuck with me over the several months since the amendment was put on the ballot. The first is that a constitution should be used to grant rights, not take them away. This is one of the major problems with Proposition 8 in California as it took away rights that had already been granted. The last North Carolina amendment restricting marriage was in 1875. It prohibited marriages between whites and blacks. Is that the legacy we want?

Second, I respect the religious opinions of those who are against gay marriage. I believe there can be an honest conversation amongst people of faith concerning Biblical meanings and interpretations. I believe we can even agree to disagree. The problem comes when one group's beliefs intrude on the others' rights to equal protection under the law. Numerous straight couples have come out from many different backgrounds saying gay marriage does not affect their marriages. If we have learned one thing during the gay rights movement, it is that gay couples have the same issues, dreams, hopes, desires, and life choices as straight couples. Are we so hung up on the relatively small differences that we cannot see the similarities?

With a heavy heart, I voted no to an amendment that I believed should not be there in the first place. The potential harms are so great. I only touched on a few here. I love living in North Carolina. Even if the amendment passes, I will not leave as we will get it right eventually. History though will look on May, 2012 as either a turning point or a step backwards. I am a bit selfish as a transgender woman when I see hope for my gender variant brothers and sisters if the amendment fails. I also realize much work remains no matter the result. Borrowing from that great speech almost 50 years ago, we will look at “the content of their character,” and the dream will be that much closer to reality.

Operation Beautiful

I did want to say hello to everyone checking in from Operation Beautiful and also thank you to Caitlin for sharing my story. I had long felt the positive sticky notes had a wonderful effect on so many beyond the intended audience. That is why I felt so moved to take a leap of faith and write in. I never know the response I'm going to get when I “out” myself. It is usually pretty good as the world at large is becoming more aware of transgender people. I have been fortunate to meet people like Caitlin who see people and look at what they can be with just a little encouragement.

Many of the past stories in this blog are about reaching out and talking about my story. It is always a scary move, but I learn and grow so much each time. I make new friends and create connections that others may not have tried. I am often pursuing the “path less taken” whether it be Civil War reenacting, contra dancing, or the Ghost Walk. I love having friends in the mainstream who know me as Stephanie above and beyond my gender identity. I feel very lucky to live in a time and place where it's possible. Not easy, mind you... but possible.

Let me give a little extra background about the story of being asked for a dance and then dropped. This has happened twice. The time I shared was relatively easy to bounce back from. My friend Rima was right there to help me. I was in a supportive group where most everyone knew me. It was an obvious case of one bad apple. And of course, Diane's “beautiful” words so made my night.

The second time was a bit more disheartening as it occurred in Knoxville. It was the furthest I had traveled away from my home dance in Charlotte. I was already in line when the guy read me and left me standing on my own. I looked around, but I didn't see anyone I knew. I slinked to the chair on the sidelines and sat out the next three dances. No one asked me to dance. I almost went straight home that night, but I'm glad I stayed. I met some nice people, and Rima found some leftover Valentine candy with one that said “You go, girl.” That made my weekend!

I am glad that I have never been outed during a dance as that could be a potentially dangerous situation. It is hurtful, and yet I think of the people who have made it all worthwhile. I don't consider myself my activist in the traditional sense. I am fairly introverted and certainly not “in your face.” There are dance friends who I have never discussed my gender life with. I respect those boundaries as I am at a dance, reenactment, or another event to enjoy those activities, not to talk about me. Of course, conversations do start up, and I'm always happy to discuss those issues with those who are genuinely interested. I don't force it... much!

So welcome again to my sporadic blog. I hope to update every week with stories of history, dancing, gender stuff, and other musings. I rarely get political although I will pass along stories from other blogs. Feel free to write with questions. The email address is in the profile link. Let me leave you with a quote from George Eliot and often shared from my late friend, Pamela Jones: “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” I think I may put that on a sticky note!

A Kind Word

“I love your dress.”

“You look really nice tonight.”

“You're wearing the dangly earrings!”

“Hello, gorgeous!”

“You are really beautiful.”

I've had all of the above said to me as Stephanie, some in the past couple of weeks. A genuine compliment is so powerful particularly in an otherwise harsh world. For me, many of the compliments are to my female presentation which makes me feel more feminine, and that is a very special gift. That is part of the beauty of the kind words because my close friends know my struggles in showing the real me with a body that doesn't match.

A few years ago at one of my first formal mainstream outings, I was wearing my favorite strapless floor length dress and had already gotten many compliments. It made me feel very good, and I wanted a way to return a bit of the positive karma... a sort of nice pay it back. I got the crazy idea that I would pick five women who were wearing dresses I thought were nice and tell them how much I liked their outfit. I wasn't sure how it would go particularly coming from a transgender woman. Would they think of me as a guy hitting on them? Each time, I made it very quick in passing, and every time, it brought a smile to their face. They seemed to accept me as a woman giving another woman a compliment. That was as empowering to me as the kind word was to them.

Much of what I've experienced is learning to be accepted as a woman. Even if my appearance is not perfect, I hope my actions and demeanor show my true feminine self. I could go into a long dissertation about how men are competitive when meeting other men or women are more nurturing. While not always true, I have found women more willing to help build each other up. This is especially true with many of my dance girlfriends, but I have had beautiful interactions as well with complete strangers just passing by. It is another confirmation that I fit better in a woman's world.

One of my favorite daily websites the last few months is Operation Beautiful. Caitlin, the owner, started posting positive sticky notes in the women's room and other places. It has become a bit of a phenomena encouraging girls and young women to help bring out the inner beauty in each of us. What often brings me joy is they are not just empty inspirational phrases. The notes simply help us see what is already inside of us. Sometime it's hard to see our uniqueness and yes, even our flaws as gifts. It took me a long time to embrace my gender gift. It is difficult in a world that demands perfection and conformity. Yet how dull life would be if we didn't pursue our special talents and abilities.

A kind word... it's ok to say and write. We need more of them even for the men in our lives! Do it in a genuine way. Lift someone up and help them see how much they have within them. In the meantime, I think I need to buy some sticky notes!

Transitioning Between Communities

The word “transition” can mean so many things. In the transgender community, it is usually meant as a catch-all phrase for those moving from one gender presentation to the other. It can mean some combination of hormones, therapy, cosmetic surgery, full time living, etc. In reality, it is at some level revealing more of your inner self in your outward presentation. It can be full of unexpected twists and turns. One that I did not think would ever happen is my near complete departure from the LGBT community.

For the first eight years of being out as Stephanie (1998-2006), I was fully content to be involved in the transgender community with occasional forays into the gay and mainstream world. With some periods of inactivity, I was happy to have friends with Kappa Beta in Charlotte and help the new girls where I could. Essentially, my life was a couple days a month being Stephanie and the rest being “that other guy.” At some point, I realized being Stephanie was more than the clothes and make-up. It was about being who I am and not just doing feminine things.

Other the next few years, I became more involved with the local LGBT community beginning with the formation of the Charlotte Gender Alliance (CGA). I liked CGA as it was more about support for those transitioning. I also returned to Southern Comfort Conference (SCC) in Atlanta in 2006 and was so impressed with the advances that I offered to volunteer in the technical side.

In February 2007, several transgender friends and I attended the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) Gala in Charlotte. I understand it was one of the largest representations from our community at the time. After dinner and the speeches, our two tables split up and began mingling and sharing our stories. I wore my strapless pink dress that night and felt on top of the world. I even danced a bit that night. It was not a pretty sight, but I loved every minute. More importantly, I felt I had connected with many attendees. We appeared to be making progress.

The cruel reality of our position came crashing down when gender identity language was removed from the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA) in the fall. Just a few weeks earlier, Joe Solmonese spoke at SCC promising HRC would not support such a bill. That promise was broken when, with HRC support, ENDA was written only to add sexual orientation to job discrimination laws. It passed the House but never went to the Senate. The bill has never returned to the floor for a vote. The events were even more shocking considering HRC signed many memberships while at the 2007 SCC. No apology has ever been given directly from HRC to anyone involved with SCC since that time.

Still I was committed to continued involvement at the local level in Charlotte. I especially enjoyed organizing events at the LGBT Community Center where transgender people could speak and discuss issues in a welcoming environment. I was also working at mainstream events including the Ghost Walk at Latta Plantation. My love of Civil War reenacting was growing, and I wanted to find a place where I could present as the real me. That search is still ongoing. Fortunately I have many online friends who are quite supportive.

In March 2009, I was introduced to contra dancing. I never thought I would fall for something as hard as I have for this. Even more importantly, I never would have imagined that I could just be me. The combination of acceptance, great live music, aerobic activity, and twirly skirts drew me in. I even began to make girlfriends who could help me with feminine advice. It's something that I never had before, and it's been a huge boost to my presentation.

In the meantime, the LGBT Community Center was tightening its affiliation with HRC, and I was having more arguments about ENDA and other transgender issues. Often, I was told to “get over it.” For the record, I will never get over my trans sisters and brothers committing suicide because they can't find a job. It was difficult going to meetings at the center knowing they supported an organization that had treated my community with utter disregard. Eventually, my voice was no longer effective as no one wanted to hear what I had to say. That is usually my cue that it is time to do or go someplace different. Will I be back? I'm sure I will, but I can't say when or where.

In contrast, my time at contra dances and reenacting is rewarding and important although not for the reasons some may think. I am not at the dances to expose the world to transgender people. I do hope I am being a good representative, but I do that wherever I go. I'm always happy to talk about my life as a transgender woman, but that's not my priority. It is unconscionable to me to force myself and my personal issues on anyone. That is not why everyone else is at a dance or reenactment.

I'm at dances to share a fun and amazing experience. I reenact for the love of history and pretty southern belle dresses. Along the way, I help newcomers participate and grow. I make friends with whom I share laughs, hugs, a shoulder, silly movie quotes, and life in general. I get so much positive reinforcement with all the smiles and kind words. With my closest friends, I am much more than the transgender girl. They know it's part of who I am but not all of it. That's a huge step for me in my realtionships.

Both the HRC Gala and the February dance in Charlotte were last night. I know many in the transgender community who attended. I hope their voices are being heard. I also hurt for all of us affected by the Amendment One vote in North Carolina in May. It is an important issue that I hate we have to deal with. Still, I know I was in the right place at the dance as several friends are going through tough times, and we needed to be there for each other. Dancing has a way of making it better. It is hard to explain unless you've experienced it, but it is so true.

Like all life decisions, it comes down to where I am most effective. In one place, I am growing. The other, I was stagnant. In one place, I feel welcomed and even loved. The other place had become toxic. I'm exactly where I need to be.

Saying Goodbye to a Friend

Last week, a giant in the local transgender community passed away even though she would not see herself as such. Pamela Jones gave and lived more during her final years on this earth than anyone I've known. During a time when most people are thinking about retiring, she was beginning a new. Her ability to communicate the very basics of integrity and human dignity went beyond labels like transgender. Pamela is truly one of the most remarkable people I have ever known, and her effect on me will last a lifetime.

I will admit I've had a difficult time dealing with Pamela's death. I've known her over 14 years back even before I went out as Stephanie for the first time. We met online via our Geocities websites (remember those?) and emailed for a couple years. We finally met in person in 1999. In recent years, she became a confidante. Pamela was someone I could run thoughts and ideas by without feeling I was being judged. We thought a lot alike about many issues running the gamut from religious to the LGBT community to the Carolina Panthers. Pamela was one of the most principled, centered people I have ever met. It was that genuineness that I think attracted people to her even if they vehemently disagreed with her.

This allowed Pamela to bridge so many gaps stretching even into mainstream circles. She became active with the LGBT Community Center of Charlotte, Equality NC, Sean's Last Wish, and her church, Hold Trinity Lutheran Church. In February 2008, Pamela met Elke Kennedy of Sean's Last Wish at an education initiative about ENDA outside the HRC Gala in Charlotte. This is one example of how putting herself out there opened other doors. I was inspired by her to begin making baby steps into mainstream groups. Contra dancers can credit Pamela to some extent for me being out in that community.

I think of a story Pamela told about being in a church float during the Pride NC parade one year in Durham, NC. A short part of the parade route was open to protesters. While screaming and yelling some very un-Christian things, she smiled, looked at one of them, and mouthed, “God loves you, and so do I.” That story has stuck with me as a way Pamela helped our community by not lashing out or retaliating. She related as a fellow Christian and human being.

Pastor Nancy Kraft delivered a touching memorial to Pamela. Hearing Nancy speak, I felt like Pamela was once again with us. Her words of wisdom have often been quite comforting. Only when Nancy stopped speaking did it really hit me that Pamela was gone.

I miss Pamela dearly. Already several times I have caught myself wanting to email her about something. I went through a job loss back in early June. Even then, she emailed me with encouraging words. She even let me vent a bit. Above all, she told me to take care of me and not to worry about her. That's just how she was. I'm thankful for those who did worry about her until the end. She knew she was not alone.

Some of Pam's websites are still up. I would encourage you to pay them a visit:

http://pamela1nc.blogspot.com/
http://pamrenee.com/

Lifesavers

At a recent contra dance, one fellow offered everyone in his square a Life Saver candy. It was the second half of the dance night following a thirty minute medley (which was wonderful and exhausting!). I'm sure my breath was less than minty so I was glad to accept a lemon one. Virtually nothing was said as we passed it around, but I thought it was a nice gesture. I'm sure my future partners were quite appreciative as well.

It got me to thinking about acts of kindness that we do for each other as individuals while expecting no recognition. Just doing it because we see a person in need. I'm not talking so much about organized group efforts which serve so well in our community. These are the daily acts that go unnoticed but still affect people in such a strong and positive way. There are no ulterior motives... just a desire to see a person live a better life. In the hustle and bustle of life, I'll be honest in that I don't do the best job of recognizing such opportunities. I think I do a little better in the contra dance community as more situations present themselves. Even there though, I have days when I fall way short.

I think of each act like the candy mentioned in the opening. They are life savers. Call it the Spirit. Call it karma. Call it the law of averages. I truly believe we meet the people we are supposed to meet by simply being out. We are in a position to raise their lives with the smallest of acts. We may never know how a simple smile, a quick touch of the shoulder, or a helping hand will make a person's day. I know it has for me too often in my life on a down day. Someone who thinks no one in the world cares about them may have their spirits lifted. That can save a life!

The contra dances present so many opportunities for giving. People of all ages, backgrounds, and dance experience are thrust together to accomplish one seemingly daunting task... dancing. We ask a partner, form our lines, and listen to the caller walk us through the upcoming dance. Then we dance. It becomes a kaleidoscope of feet walking, bodies twirling, people connecting to the music performed for us by a live band. We combine our individual styles with the group so everyone experiences the joy that is contra dancing. The beginners are helped along with pointing to the shoulders and gentle nudges. Basic style points are taught during swings and other movements. It can look chaotic at first, but I have also have been taken up with the idea that everyone in the hall is doing the same thing at more or less the same time.

Partner asking can also be an act of kindness. You are, in essence, offering a ticket to that person to the next dance which of course happens to be your ticket too. It is an invitation that can be freely accepted or declined although it is customary to accept unless you have a very good reason. Everyone has wildly differing ideas about who to ask. Some stick to people they know. Others do a better job of balancing their dance card. It is usually encouraged to get the beginners involved early and often and also to look for those who sat out the last dance. This leads to greater participation which benefits the dance community in the long run. I think of it as not keeping a good thing to myself. If I have found something that has enriched my life this much, why would I not want to share it with someone who is already there wishing to participate?

Conversely, it is up to the person asked to accept. This is where it can be a bit tricky if the answer is “no.” Maybe the person asked does not want to dance with the person or was hoping to dance with someone else. Taking too long to say “no” pretty much relegates the other person to the sidelines as all other partners are taken by then. Also the person asked may already have a partner. Do they offer a future dance? Then there is, “I think I have a partner.” That one really hurts.

Writing the above reminds me of the acts that make my day but also of those that send me into a funk if I let them. I have been part of both extremes. I know I am not alone in experiencing those extremes. I also realize how easy depression can lead down a self-destructive path. I think of people I have known who committed suicide and wonder what could have been done to take them off that path. I believe that we can do so much for each other early in that cycle by simply being there and being available to help. Before a person descends into an isolation that spirals out of control. Before it is too late to help. As Olivia Newton John once sang, “Let Me be There.”

So is dancing a life saver? I think so. You never know what kind of day any of us has had when we walk into that dance hall. By making sure everyone is dancing, everyone gets a good piece of a very tasty pie that makes the rest of life better. I'm sure there are many other worthy activities that raise the quality of life . Dancing is the one that does it for me. Fortunately, it also does it for my partner, my square, my line, the hall, the whole community.

In My Mind

You know the song by James Taylor beloved by all University of North Carolina alum. In my mind, I thought this day would never come. I graduated from UNC in 1994 and soon after left for Charlotte to work. I received a piece of paper saying I had graduated with a BA in something, but I felt like there was still some unfinished business. By the time I started going out en femme in 1998, my old life in Chapel Hill seemed like the opening to Star Wars... a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Yesterday, I returned as the real me and found I still belonged.

When I was a student at UNC, my belief system was much more rigid and unforgiving not to mention extremely conservative. This was my time in a fairly fundamentalist church which viewed gays (and really most of the world) as perverted and sinful. I was only beginning to explore my gender identity which I knew would be completely incompatible with the church. When I was discovered, I felt like it would be the end of everything I knew. In a sense, I was right I was very much wrapped up in the church to the point that my whole life revolved around it. Being separated was one of the best things that could have happened even though I didn't recognize it at the time. I started my life almost from scratch in my final year at UNC and realized there was hope away from the prison that the church had created.

The return all happened as the result of a friendship at the Carrboro dances. Rebecca, like so many in the dance community, has been a strong support to me and a good dancer too. I knew she was involved in LGBT causes at UNC and was on the leadership team for the annual Southeast Regional Unity Conference, a conference that draws from all over the south. I had offered to do Transgender Adventures in History in 2010, but we weren't able to fit it in. This year, under a re-branded name, Gender Pioneers, Rebecca felt it would be a good addition to the conference.

Driving in to Chapel Hill and crossing the James Taylor Bridge, I caught a glimpse of the Bell Tower. That's when it hit me that this was really going to happen. Like anyone returning to their old stomping grounds, I noted familiar sites and changes comparing them to my years on campus. I had been back a few times in male mode for other work projects, but this was special. I found my way to a new parking deck and finally the student union. Poor Rebecca must have thought I had never been there because the interior had been renovated a few times in the interim years.

I have made a habit when doing my history presentation of dressing fairly plain jane (Carolina blue sweater top and blue jeans on this day) before changing into my period dress. This makes the transformation even more dramatic for me. I wrote one of my reenacting friends the night before how putting on the dress does more than change my outward appearance. It affects my mind, body, and soul and takes me to a different place and time. It is such a drastic change from present day clothing particular for women. Rebecca was visibly impressed when I stepped out of the dressing room. It was also nice to receive compliments while walking to the meeting room. You would have thought women had not dressed that way in about 150 years!

The actual presentation went pretty smooth. I wasn't sure how I would feel during it, but it was all pretty normal. I had the largest crowd ever for my transgender history workshop, and I was honored to give it before this audience. I realized this group of students is well ahead of where I was at their ages. They are already figuring it out, living their lives, and making positive change for themselves and others. A big thank you goes to Rebecca and Kelly, another of my dancing friends, for being there. It was nice to talk to the students afterward and get many new ideas. The education continues for me which makes future presentations better.

I hate returning to modern clothes, but at least I had a dance to go to in Carrboro. So that made three outfits for the day! The dance was crowded, hot, loud, and fantastic. It was a perfect ending to a fun day. The dance reminded how far I've come as I hugged, talked, laughed, and danced with friends old and new. A few know what I have told them about my past life. Like the Star Wars opening, it is almost like that time was part of a movie or in another universe. However, it also a huge influence on my desire to be true to myself. I made a decision around the time I came out that I would never let another group make that choice for me. My identity is for me to determine. The friends I have now are even better because they are attracted to the real me, not some character. We appreciate and celebrate each other for who we are.

No longer is my return to Carolina in my mind. It is another item removed from the darkness of the closet and seeing the light of day. UNC still draws me with its southern charm, some good basketball, a beautiful campus, and a growing LGBT community that is light years beyond what I could have imagined on my graduation day in 1994. There is still a place for me in the southern part of heaven, and I hope to return often.

March 2011 Update

Almost three months into the new year, and I am beginning to see some turnaround. As usual, it occurs at a snail's pace. However I am making progress towards both the person I want to be and the person I'm intended to be. Call it maturation, an opening of the eyes, a clarity of purpose. They all apply. Just a few short stories to flesh out that idea...

I recently celebrated my 41st birthday. Yes, I'm still counting. The outpouring of love particularly on Facebook was humbling. All the kind words and notes were said and written by friends that I never would have met if I had never come out as Stephanie. My birthday was culminated by my Charlotte contra dance group singing Happy Birthday to me. This was particularly special as the words "dear Stephanie" were part of the annual rite for the first time in my life. I cried tears of joy on the way home. It is moments like these when I know I'm on the right path. Even with all the difficulties of life as a transgender woman, there is a place for me in this world as the real me.

Continuing on the dancing theme, the Charlotte Dance Gypsies held their annual dance weekend, Gypsy Meltdown, at Camp Thunderbird in Lake Wylie, SC this past weekend. Dance weekends are an intense experience on a physical, mental, and even emotional level. I'll have more to write as its a blog post unto itself. Friday night, I went with my usual reddish blond wig. Saturday afternoon, I decided to experiment with my real hair which I've been growing out for about three years now. I liked it so much that I didn't wear the wig the rest of the weekend. The hair still needs some work, but it's a big step to take away the protection of the wig and show more of your real self. I am thankful for all the compliments. I am my own worst critic, but I do finally see a feminine style developing.

Finally, I will be presenting a program called Gender Pioneers at the Southeast Regional Unity Conference at UNC-Chapel Hill on Saturday, April 2 at 3:30 pm. Gender Pioneers is an offshoot of Transgender Adventures in History with more of a focus on the stories of the historical characters. It will be an emotional experience as I have never stepped onto the campus of my alma mater presenting as Stephanie. I have shared the story of being caught cross-dressing by a roommate back in 1992. It was one of my darkest times as I had no idea what to do with my feminine identity. However it was the catalyst to deciding some years later that I would never give control of my identity to a group that did not have my best interests in mind. To come back to UNC and present one of my passions is truly beyond what I would ever have imagined at that time.

A couple of Youtube videos from Gypsy Meltdown. I filmed the first one Sunday afternoon. The second one is from Saturday evening by Michael Simpson. See if you can spot me in it :)

2010 - Taking Some Hits

I had thought about not continuing my year end series from last year which ended with so much promise and hope. 2010 on paper was not the best year personally. I took more hits as a transgender woman in 2010 than in several previous years combined. There was much disappointment in many of my efforts for the community and myself. I was also the target of many unkind remarks more so this year than ever before. Some of them even came from people in the LGBT community. I can only guess I am riling a few feathers although the fruit is not obvious. Through it all, contra dancing remains a social and spiritual lifeline. While nowhere close to perfect, I can't imagine my life without it.

I have been going out as a transgender woman for almost 13 years although only in the last few years have I started down the road of transition (that is, committing more of my life to living as a woman). I am not a beginner at this, and I've had my share of colorful incidents and encounters. For some reason this past year, those incidents have ramped up in number and intensity. In September, I was ogled and gawked at by several Wendy's workers at the drive-thru in Spartanburg, SC. For the first time, I reported an incident at a contra dance involving hurtful comments during a dance (I could have reported several more over the past year and a half). I have even been insulted by members of the local LGBT community essentially saying my views are uninformed and stupid. It makes a girl want to scream.

What really hurts is that the comments don't always come from obviously bigoted people with no lives. Those are easy to dismiss. Many are made by otherwise nice, welcoming, accepting people who are stalwarts in their respective communities. Seeing me pushes them across a line that somehow it is acceptable to insult me, and they have no fear of any repercussions. That is why it is important that all be treated with basic dignity and respect. I don't expect to win over everyone, and I am thankful for friends who love and accept me as I am. I am slowly developing a thicker skin although the words are always hurtful. I am learning to see my friends and appreciate them. I must add that I have received more random compliments and encouragement from unexpected sources that always make my day.

I do not see a similar light at the end of the tunnel for the Charlotte transgender community. I had so much hope at the end of 2009, but right now we are a very splintered group each going our own separate ways. Without going into too much detail, I must report that the local support group is struggling. Part of the challenge of a support group is dealing with difficult situations. There will always be a part of the group that is going through hard times while others are succeeding. These issues do not go away, and it often takes significant time for a person to get out of a crisis situation. The actual discussion month after month can become overwhelming and discouraging for all concerned. Frustration grows as little progress is shown with the same issues coming up every meeting. The people who are doing well end up leaving as they feel they are getting nothing out of the meetings.

It is a difficult task to keep the support group relevant and positive. Part of the answer lies in everyone contributing what they can to the group. Often times, the loudest complaints come from those who have invested nothing. They expect to show up and be entertained without contributing anything. At one of of my first Kappa Beta meetings back in the day, Sherri Carmichael made the point that the best way to get more out of the group experience is to become involved in the group. It is one of the things I love about the contra dance community. So many give of their time and abilities outside of the actual dances so that others can experience the joy of dancing in a clean and safe environment. They give because so many have given to them.

On the national front, there have been many legislative victories. Unfortunately few of them involve the transgender community. We rejoiced over the passage of the federal hate crimes law late in 2009 and the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell recently. Also the marriage rights issue continues to move forward with major progress in the courts very possible in 2011. Unfortunately, the Employment Non-Discrimination Act never came to a vote despite repeated promises. This, in my mind, is the most important piece of legislation as it involves our right to live and work, and yet it is treated like the least important.

In so many ways, the transgender community is being told it is not worthy of respect. The City of Charlotte changed policy (but not law) protecting sexual preference (but not gender identity) in the municipal workplace. Charlotte city attorney Mac McCarley has made comments in 2010 and 2009 almost gleefully saying that gender identity is not a legally protected class. We were openly mocked by an LGB event during race week in May. Many of my transgender friends have been told by the LGB community to “Get over it.” That is a terrible thing to say to someone. I will never get over it much to the consternation of many. It just shows how much work still needs to be done even with our allies. This is not true of everyone in the LGBT community, and I am thankful for the many positive conversations even when we disagree.

Much of the above has left me depressed particularly in recent months. I have cried, overslept, under slept, isolated myself, not eaten well at times, and been moody. I am fortunate I don't drink much or do drugs. My work has actually improved slowly in the past year and shows great promise for 2011. For my transition, that is the big key. I have not progressed as much physically (no hormones, hair removal, etc), but I have grown socially. Many thanks go to my friends in real life (thank you Holley, Emily R, and Pamela) and virtually (thank you Jenna T and Nicole S). It is hard to express my full gratitude as they often hear about the ugly things in my life. Their listening, encouragement, and yes the tough love has helped me grow immensely even with all the negativity. If I can make one resolution for 2011, it is not to cut myself off when I need to be around people. I have also been neglectful of my spiritual side due to my weekend schedule. That cannot continue in 2011.

On the positive side, I have grown to love contra dancing more and more. I love the connection it gives me to people. I especially enjoy the dance weekends as I feel the most acceptance there. I also learn the most as it draws dancers from all over the world. With a new camera and editing system, I can give back to the dance community by filming and posting dances from all of my travels. I am continuing my living history research in the Civil War era and gender variant people. Transgender Adventures in History will probably get a new name in 2011. It's just time for a little re-branding. I was especially excited by a good turn-out at Southern comfort Conference in Atlanta. Now I need to find a way to generate more interest locally. The stories are good. I would like for more people to hear them.

Much like the beginning of 2010, difficult decisions lie ahead in 2011. I may have to cut back on some things so I can grow in other areas. I may even hurt a few people in the process. It is not intentional. I must grow in my feminine identity and presentation so I can be a more useful person and pursue the long-term goals I have set out. One friend advised, “If you want to be a woman, then be it.” It sounds simple, but it is quite the revelation. Be and embrace who you are. I am not very good at being someone else or being what others think I should be. My life is much more fulfilling and rich as a genuine person. So that is who I will strive to be. Then I can truly fly.