Sunday, November 11, 2007

A Long Time Ago...

I'll leave the finish to the above to the George Lucas moviemaking machine to avoid potential copyright pitfalls. However, it is quite appropriate to look back from time to time. In my sessions with Ms. Carmen, she makes sure I remember key past events and even helps put me back in that time. Looking back accomplishes several things. It shows me how far I've come as Stephanie and how much I've changed. She also makes sure I recognize key moments of change such as the 2007 SCC where I worked as a video producer en femme for the first time.

At the end of our last chat, Ms. Carmen brought up a memory I shared early in my blog history about a time before I had even chosen a femme name. It was when I was discovered by a college roommate when I was part of a fundamentalist church. That night, several men from the church "intervened" with me about my "sin." I threw away the two dresses I had at the time. It was a time of despair for me. I thought I was evil and perverted. I even thought I was the only one with thoughts of wearing women's clothes. I had no idea of a community. They had caught me, and I had no choice but to acquiesce. That day and the days following were some of the darkest times in my life. Their solution? Pray to God, and beg Him to take this away from me.

The above occurred almost 15 years ago (December 1992). Just over five years later, I would go out for the first time en femme. Now I am fully on the path I was destined for. It took a while to get on that track, but I can truly say that it has been worth it. I know more challenges lie ahead. I will probably face some truly difficult times. However, I know I can never go back if I am to be true to myself.

So why do I use the Star Wars opening line? I think of my time with the church in college as happening in a different universe almost. It may sound ephereal, but very little of that life is familiar to me now. I can look at it now like an image on a monitor and barely recognize it. It's like watching a science fiction film. I can barely believe that was me throwing away those dresses. However, I do understand that day is a big part of who I am now.

So what changed? I started thinking for myself. That may sound like the simplest thing, but it took me so long to figure that out. I accepted everyone's words as gospel and never understood that so many do not have my best interests in mind. I am terrible in political situations, but I am much better at not simply following other's wishes. I choose my own goals. I decide the gameplan and then execute it. I reap the consequences, good, bad, and ugly. I pick myself up, learn from my mistakes and successes, and keep on going. And you know something? I have made more genuine friendships by being true to myself... and yes, you still have to treat others with respect. In doing so, you must respect yourself too. You attract the right people who respect your honestly and dignity.

By the way, none of this involved hypnosis with Ms. Carmen. We were just talking. I wanted to go over my Ghostwalk day. She wanted to encourage me to be happy with how far I've come since that dark December day and to inspire me to continue on the path I'm meant to be on. She is one of many friends who help me be true to myself. I only hope I do the same for them even if they don't always know it.

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