Stephanie Marie

As a transgender woman, I see imperfections in myself everyday. My photos often reflect those less than ideal looks and my insecurities concerning them. Over the years, I have become more comfortable in my own skin, and my photos show that. As my last short story alluded to, I still feel like a teenage girl sometimes. I am slowly growing out of that phase. However many of my girlfriends tell me the insecurities never go away. You just learn to deal with them better. The above photo represents many things to me. If you had shown this photo to me five years ago, I would have said that is impossible. Out in the open, my natural hair, a feminine dress... the look is so much of what I've been working towards in my presentation. Add what I know today with my love of contra dancing and twirly skirts, it should be a winner. It is after all me in my favorite dance dress taken in a beautiful setting off the Blue Ridge Parkway near Blowing Rock. It was the cap to a wonderful Easter week...

 A young girl celebrated her 11th birthday by opening her closet door to peek outside. Her closet had grown considerably in her life, but she desperately wanted to see what was outside. She had heard and seen many things about the world outside. Her closet was a safe place and had many pretty outfits. The young girl would dress up and put on her make-up. It was fun, but it was time for something more. She put on her prettiest dress, fixed her hair, and stepped outside. This is what she found. She found that those in the world had a difficult time understanding her. She looked and spoke differently than the other girls. Everyone would tell her that she was a boy. "But I am a girl!" she exclaimed. People looked at her in a funny way. Most people, that is. Some were kind to her. One lady even said she looked pretty in her dress. On her next adventure outside the closet, the young girl happened upon a building with a loud wooden floor. People gathered around a lady wit...

Why I Came Back Not to the blogging world, not to the LGBT community, but to a second contra dance. By all rights, I shouldn't have returned. I only danced four dances that night. I was the only transgender person there. I was lost in so many ways... the dance, my proper role, the other dancers. I was not dressed particularly well, and I'm sure I looked like a mess at the end. Yet there were enough positive threads to weave together an experience that I could build on. It also helps that I don't give up easily. I had been looking for something and a place to be me. After my experiences at Latta Plantation, I wanted a more regular mainstream activity to be Stephanie. I would present as Stephanie, be known as Stephanie, make friends as Stephanie. I had reached the point where I was ready to socialize with the world. For a time I thought it would be in Civil War reenacting (and that card is still on the table). I would have been satisfied with a book club or a cookin...

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. (Friedrich Nietzsche) Before I ever started contra dancing, I could not understand the joy imprinted on a dancer's face. Otherwise normal people came to life when paired with a favorite partner surrounded by familiar sounds. Couples moved as one knowing the other's steps and moves intimately. What seemed like chaos with a few dozen couples moving around a dance floor was actually a carefully orchestrated merry-go-around. I watched, but I just... didn't... get it. Of course, I was only eight at the time wearing a 1970's era powder blue monkey suit (I think it's called a tuxedo in polite circles) watching my grandparents ballroom dance. I have shared the story of being mesmerized by the women's beautiful dresses, but the dancing itself was still a mystery to me. Part of it may have been put off that the dances resembled something out of Lawrence Welk whose...

It has been a frustrating few days for the LGBT community in North Carolina following the approval of Amendment One in North Carolina. The count was 61 percent for, 39 percent against with just over a million people voting for it. As usual with amendments involving gay marriage, the polls were a few percentage points too optimistic. While the number was overwhelmingly for the amendment, it is not the worst defeat involving gay marriage amendments, not by a long shot. That does give some hope for the future. So what went wrong? The first thing to understand is that the pro-amendment forces in North Carolina have been planning for this vote for several years. They literally prayed for the opportunity, and it was gift wrapped to them in the 2010 election when the Republicans took over the state legislature after 140 years of Democrat control. They also have the experience of 30 state victories to draw from nationally. In fact, most of their funding came from non-profit groups outsid...

I've had this HP Pavilion laptop going on five years now. It still has Windows XP and is getting a little worn around the edges. It stutters a bit running the recent videos, and it definitely will not run the latest games. The only upgrade was to the memory. The hard drive is only 60 GB. I like it that way as it forces me to carry only essential programs. I also enjoy it for the times when I want to write away from my desktop or play an older game. The screen is plenty big, and it has wireless. I use it still for my history presentations as it can hook up easily to another monitor. It does exactly what I want it to do. With this laptop, I have carried on a tradition similar to the stickers on a college football player's helmet. Every time I vote, general election or primary, I put the "I Voted" sticker on the laptop. I rarely talk about political stuff. I am the typical independent who has become more dismayed with both political parties in recent years. Still...

I did want to say hello to everyone checking in from Operation Beautiful and also thank you to Caitlin for sharing my story. I had long felt the positive sticky notes had a wonderful effect on so many beyond the intended audience. That is why I felt so moved to take a leap of faith and write in. I never know the response I'm going to get when I “out” myself. It is usually pretty good as the world at large is becoming more aware of transgender people. I have been fortunate to meet people like Caitlin who see people and look at what they can be with just a little encouragement. Many of the past stories in this blog are about reaching out and talking about my story. It is always a scary move, but I learn and grow so much each time. I make new friends and create connections that others may not have tried. I am often pursuing the “path less taken” whether it be Civil War reenacting, contra dancing, or the Ghost Walk. I love having friends in the mainstream who know me as Steph...

“I love your dress.” “You look really nice tonight.” “You're wearing the dangly earrings!” “Hello, gorgeous!” “You are really beautiful.” I've had all of the above said to me as Stephanie, some in the past couple of weeks. A genuine compliment is so powerful particularly in an otherwise harsh world. For me, many of the compliments are to my female presentation which makes me feel more feminine, and that is a very special gift. That is part of the beauty of the kind words because my close friends know my struggles in showing the real me with a body that doesn't match. A few years ago at one of my first formal mainstream outings, I was wearing my favorite strapless floor length dress and had already gotten many compliments. It made me feel very good, and I wanted a way to return a bit of the positive karma... a sort of nice pay it back. I got the crazy idea that I would pick five women who were wearing dresses I thought were nice and tell them how muc...

The word “transition” can mean so many things. In the transgender community, it is usually meant as a catch-all phrase for those moving from one gender presentation to the other. It can mean some combination of hormones, therapy, cosmetic surgery, full time living, etc. In reality, it is at some level revealing more of your inner self in your outward presentation. It can be full of unexpected twists and turns. One that I did not think would ever happen is my near complete departure from the LGBT community. For the first eight years of being out as Stephanie (1998-2006), I was fully content to be involved in the transgender community with occasional forays into the gay and mainstream world. With some periods of inactivity, I was happy to have friends with Kappa Beta in Charlotte and help the new girls where I could. Essentially, my life was a couple days a month being Stephanie and the rest being “that other guy.” At some point, I realized being Stephanie was more than the clothes a...

Last week, a giant in the local transgender community passed away even though she would not see herself as such. Pamela Jones gave and lived more during her final years on this earth than anyone I've known. During a time when most people are thinking about retiring, she was beginning a new. Her ability to communicate the very basics of integrity and human dignity went beyond labels like transgender. Pamela is truly one of the most remarkable people I have ever known, and her effect on me will last a lifetime. I will admit I've had a difficult time dealing with Pamela's death. I've known her over 14 years back even before I went out as Stephanie for the first time. We met online via our Geocities websites (remember those?) and emailed for a couple years. We finally met in person in 1999. In recent years, she became a confidante. Pamela was someone I could run thoughts and ideas by without feeling I was being judged. We thought a lot alike about many issues running the ga...

At a recent contra dance, one fellow offered everyone in his square a Life Saver candy. It was the second half of the dance night following a thirty minute medley (which was wonderful and exhausting!). I'm sure my breath was less than minty so I was glad to accept a lemon one. Virtually nothing was said as we passed it around, but I thought it was a nice gesture. I'm sure my future partners were quite appreciative as well. It got me to thinking about acts of kindness that we do for each other as individuals while expecting no recognition. Just doing it because we see a person in need. I'm not talking so much about organized group efforts which serve so well in our community. These are the daily acts that go unnoticed but still affect people in such a strong and positive way. There are no ulterior motives... just a desire to see a person live a better life. In the hustle and bustle of life, I'll be honest in that I don't do the best job of recognizing such opportunit...

You know the song by James Taylor beloved by all University of North Carolina alum. In my mind, I thought this day would never come. I graduated from UNC in 1994 and soon after left for Charlotte to work. I received a piece of paper saying I had graduated with a BA in something, but I felt like there was still some unfinished business. By the time I started going out en femme in 1998, my old life in Chapel Hill seemed like the opening to Star Wars... a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Yesterday, I returned as the real me and found I still belonged. When I was a student at UNC, my belief system was much more rigid and unforgiving not to mention extremely conservative. This was my time in a fairly fundamentalist church which viewed gays (and really most of the world) as perverted and sinful. I was only beginning to explore my gender identity which I knew would be completely incompatible with the church. When I was discovered, I felt like it would be the end of everything I knew. I...

Almost three months into the new year, and I am beginning to see some turnaround. As usual, it occurs at a snail's pace. However I am making progress towards both the person I want to be and the person I'm intended to be. Call it maturation, an opening of the eyes, a clarity of purpose. They all apply. Just a few short stories to flesh out that idea... I recently celebrated my 41st birthday. Yes, I'm still counting. The outpouring of love particularly on Facebook was humbling. All the kind words and notes were said and written by friends that I never would have met if I had never come out as Stephanie. My birthday was culminated by my Charlotte contra dance group singing Happy Birthday to me. This was particularly special as the words "dear Stephanie" were part of the annual rite for the first time in my life. I cried tears of joy on the way home. It is moments like these when I know I'm on the right path. Even with all the difficulties of life as a transgende...

I had thought about not continuing my year end series from last year which ended with so much promise and hope. 2010 on paper was not the best year personally. I took more hits as a transgender woman in 2010 than in several previous years combined. There was much disappointment in many of my efforts for the community and myself. I was also the target of many unkind remarks more so this year than ever before. Some of them even came from people in the LGBT community. I can only guess I am riling a few feathers although the fruit is not obvious. Through it all, contra dancing remains a social and spiritual lifeline. While nowhere close to perfect, I can't imagine my life without it. I have been going out as a transgender woman for almost 13 years although only in the last few years have I started down the road of transition (that is, committing more of my life to living as a woman). I am not a beginner at this, and I've had my share of colorful incidents and encounters. For some r...

The following is my speech for the Transgender Day of Remembrance observance in Charlotte, NC on November 20, 2010. I was asked to speak on the history of the event. The Transgender Day of Remembrance was first officially observed in 1999. However it really began with a candlelight vigil following the murder of Rita Hester, a popular African-American transsexual woman, on November 28, 1998 in Allston, MA in the Boston area. Rita Hester was stabbed 20 times, but nothing was stolen from her person. Like so many murders including those in the transgender community, this one would have been forgotten and conveniently overlooked if not for the efforts of the local community organizing a candlelight vigil on December 4 which drew an estimated 200 in attendance. The lack of investigation by local law enforcement and the negative coverage in the press only a month after the tragic murder of Matthew Shepard angered many. The press consistently referred to Hester as a “transgendered man.” By the...

I recently brought back the Transgender Adventures in History presentation at the last Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta. Walking through the hotel lobby wearing my green Civil War era dress, several people approached me about attending the seminar but had conflicts with the scheduled time. They asked about an outline of my seminar notes. So here is a Reader's Digest version of the presentation. Of course, it is better to attend if only to see the beauty of me in a corset, hoop skirt, bonnet, and big dress! My next presentation is September 28, 7 pm at the Charlotte LGBT Community Center as part of Pride Charlotte Week. Transgender Adventures in History is designed as a combination of my gender identity and mainstream reenacting. At the 2006 Southern Comfort Conference, I was so moved by what all my transgender brothers and sisters were doing that I decided to revisit some old ideas. I presented the seminar idea following 2007 SCC and have continued with it ever since. It i...

Nothing like a hometown dance with a wonderful band to clear all the gunk out of your heart, soul, and mind. I posted the above on my Facebook page last Wednesday night following a particularly fun dance in Charlotte with the band Nor’Easter. It was a magical night where it seemed every partner and I were in sync with each other, the music, and the rest of the dancers. It truly is special to have a connection with your dance partner that goes beyond the dance and spoken word. That human connection has given me life experiences that I’ve never had before as a woman which is a special gift. My growth as a dancer recently has been in that connection with others. You start out very wobbly learning the steps and then how to work those steps to the music. Like learning anything new, those initial dances are a bit of a stumbling process. Fortunately the contra dance community is very forgiving which gives new dancers room to develop. I was so tight and nervous the first several months of danc...

In the initial discussions for the 2010 Carolinas Gender Odyssey , it was pretty quickly decided that the Saturday night formal event should include the return of the Magnolia Ball. For those that do not remember, the Magnolia Ball was held each May (usually in Charlotte) up until 2001. For many years in the 90's, it was the premier spring event in the Carolinas. I must admit that a smile and a tear came to my eye when we decided to include the Magnolia Ball in the inaugural CGO. My first Magnolia Ball was in 1998 at the old Valentino's on Independence Blvd.I had bought a royal blue prom dress at a Goodwill store in Wilkesboro. It was a few years The dress became very special as I had always wanted to be the girl at the prom. Putting on that dress, seeing myself in the mirror, getting help with my makeup were all quite emotional. I even was a back-up lip-syncer in one of the acts. The late Dyana Lee Radke complimented us on our timing with the twirls. I have been fortunate enou...